You Have Only Been Gone For Ten Days Tuesday, Apr 29 2008

But already, I’m wasting away.

You left me last week and you told me, “Go on
and follow your dreams.” I think about that,
lately, still don’t know what it means, because
you’re what I dream of when I wake alone.
You do something to me that I can’t explain.
So, would I be out of line if I said, “I miss you”?
I know I’ll see you again, whether far or soon,
but I need you to know that I care and I miss you.

You’re what I want and that’s all that I know.

I know the signs are on and I feel this too, but,
none of that ever seems to matter when I’m holding
you…and I’m wasting away, away from you.
I’ve never seen a smile that can light up the room like yours.
It’s simply radiant, I feel more with everyday that goes by.
I watch the clock, so I can make my timing just right -

Would it be okay if I took your breath away?

What have I gotten into this time around?
I know that I had sworn I’d never trust
anyone again, but I didn’t have to…

You had me at hello.

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Wake Up Sunday, Apr 27 2008

My real estate, my life is dull and dried up like the sound a voice makes when the heart grows cold…and its going that way. I think I’ll move out of state, somewhere far from Seattle’s city lights, they burn my eyes. California sounds nice, but California is a lie. Maybe I’m out of luck, or maybe I’m just blind. Rain on my hopes, rain on my soul, rain on everything that I know. It feels so ludacris, the pursuit of this dream.

We thought we’d be there long ago.

Do we just exist? And does love persist? The questions of purpose and love and of destiny. Our conquest for bliss is as much hit or miss as it is skimming the fat off of our beliefs. If grace knows my name, then I am to blame for constantly spreading my fear and my shame.

I left you a note on the table, I hope it finds you well. I hope you don’t hurt like you did, cause I’d just blame myself. And I know its for me, that I’m out on these streets, bleeding nightly for these people I meet. But its you who I long for when I cannot sleep. I am almost nowhere and I’m getting there fast. You’re the hope in my cold stare. When I picked up, you broke into tears. I still don’t know why you need me and my broken down love. With each second that ticks, your voice rings in my ear and the memories flood back from all of our years. And I tell you its ok, there’s nothing to fear and I secretly hope I am right. You left me last week and you told me, “Go on and follow your dreams.” I think about that, lately, still don’t know what it means. Because you’re what I dream of when I wake alone, as I drift away as we talk on the phone.

You’re what I want and that’s all that I know.

I don’t know much, but I know about love and how it hurts me to give up. Why do we always say we’re fine, when its obvious we’re lying? Why don’t we ever tell the truth, what do we have to lose?

I’ve got a bad taste in me. Its like I’ve been robbed of something I once was in my childhood memories. Its buried in sandboxes, backyard, where we used to see that dreams could come true if believed. The sidewalks scream our names, but now we are so far from home. I’ve got a bad pain in my heart. Its like the first time that I looked in your eyes. The first time it all fell apart. All I have is words, to which I’m a slave. I scribble them down, hoping they’ll save me, but I’m lost, I’m so lost. These pages will burn and I’ll pass away. Yesterday’s gone and I just can’t shake the fact that I’m lost. I’m so lost.

We are so far from home.

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Ten Dolla Bill Sunday, Apr 27 2008

I need to stop jumping to conclusions. I’ve found myself doing that more than usual, lately. It hit me yesterday at work, when I got a ten dollar tip.

I was working alone from five to six, which is the period of time between when the opening shift manager leaves, I come on, and the first crew member comes on. We weren’t busy…at all. I had three customers that entire hour. My story is about two of them, it was an odd looking couple. The girl looked twelve, was around four feet, ten inches tall, and weighed probably ninety pounds. The guy had to be at least six feet tall and easily over two hundred and fifty pounds. They didn’t look clean, well-kept, and not to stereotype, but they didn’t look like they had a whole lot of money, either. They were the nicest people ever, though. Struck up a good conversation and kept a smile on my face. The girl got a like it size of plain banana ice cream and the guy got a gotta have it size of cheesecake ice cream with cherries mixed in. Not a hard order, whatsoever. I’ve handled a group of thirty people, by myself, with no tip before.

So, we get to the register to ring the couple up and they’re total comes to seven dollars and fifty two cents. I slide their debit card, hand them the slip to sign, check the tip after they hand it back so I can key it in, and notice ten dollars, for a total of seventeen dollars and fifty two cents. I was thinking, “Nah, they probably meant one dollar”, so I asked the guy, “Oh, this is a ten dollar tip, are you sure about that?” He just smiled and they walked out the door.

Jumping to conclusions, when this couple walked in, I was thinking, “Oh man, another dollar tip. Four more and I can get Subway.” What if these people were loaded and just don’t let it effect how they were before the money? No one would ever know. Maybe they’re just nice people. Maybe they don’t have the money, but love making people smile. You don’t know, I don’t know, but these people honestly changed my perspective.

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Yashanti Friday, Apr 18 2008

Gone are the days of selling my integrity.
Paid for like delicate wall paintings.
I realized that my hands were
always found empty when God asked.
I wrapped this world around my head
and choked on my tears as I layed in bed.
Smothered underneath sheets of dread,

I kept you somewhere there.

Gone are the days when I swallowed my words,
Letting them crack my ribs to keep from being heard,
While I devoured spoiled thoughts and prayed for the worst.

I was better off dead.

I sulk away when the sun awakes.
For it places my mistakes on brilliant display
And how deep grows this painful shame
That latches in me like roots.
From here till dirt which is not much further,

I will refuse to remember you.

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You Had Me At Hello Thursday, Apr 10 2008

Is it possible to be in love with someone for years, and never realize it until the circumstances are far beyond easy to deal with? As if it is almost too late for it all?

“I miss you most in the morning, when a day without you has just begun.
And all the simple things do nothing, but help the stars chase away the sun.
I know this is hardly what we asked for, but I’ll thankfully make it much more.
And even if the dawn goes slowly, another night sleeps; left my own.
And all the pillows - they do nothing. I guess a comfort is with you alone.
I know this is hardly what we asked for, but I’ll thankfully make it much more.
I know that I’m nothing. I’m trying to be something. If ever I am, then I…
I promise you’ll still be, and you always will be mine. You’ll be mine.”

So, five days ago, I had that “butterfly” feeling. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t focus. I had never been so excited in my life. The day finally came, the one I’ve been waiting for for what seems like a lifetime, and even after…I still can’t eat, still can’t sleep, still can’t focus. I have the sickest, most terrifying feeling in the pit of my stomach. All these emotions, feelings, thoughts, worries - they’re literally making me sick. I’m exhausted, delirious, tired, I’ve had a migraine for two days straight. I’m slowly starting to lose myself over this entire situation. I’ve never felt this way in my life.

I’ve given up a lot for this situation. “I know this is hardly what we asked for, but I’ll thankfully make it much more.” Neither person in this situation asked for what we got, but we’ve been fighting to make it so much more. I always feel like I fight so much more than everyone else. Its starting to drain me of all energy, enthusiam - everything.

I put my entire heart into things, if I want them badly enough, no matter what I get back from it. I care way too much for my own good. I am way too sensitive for my own good. I just straight up don’t take care of myself for my own good. I put the ones I love and care for before myself in any situation, I don’t care what the outcome could be, I’d rather me get hurt, than them. It gets even worse when I’m in love. I will do anything and everything to make that person happy. I will give everything that is me to that person, until I have absolutely nothing left to give…and rarely do I get any of it back.

I’m not a selfish person…at all, but fuck, I’m so sick and tired (literally, now) of never getting the same thing in return. I can proudly and truthfully say that I’m one of the most genuine people you’ll ever meet, but I’ve never had anyone be that person to me. I thought I finally found that person, then something like all this happens, and I lose all that is my sanity. I kill myself over it, thinking it was me who did something wrong, which, in turn, makes me think less of myself. Makes me feel like I’m not doing enough, so I give and give and give. I constantly keep digging, as far as I possibly can, trying to find more to give. I keep finding things, but I’m mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted - but I’ll never quit giving to this person…and I don’t even think he has any idea.

I don’t break promises, and I made a promise to never quit on him. I promised him that I was ready to fight for everything that is us, no matter what time and distance gets put between us.

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Writer’s Block Thursday, Apr 10 2008

I haven’t blogged in a few days. I have so much to say, but I don’t exactly know how to say any of it? I don’t want to complain, but I don’t want to brag. Which are about the only things I have to talk about, resulting from the past few days - but I still don’t know how to put anything, anyways, so this is where I’m at.

I hate having writer’s block, I love writing, but I guess I’ll try to say some things.

I haven’t slept in days. I’d say Monday night, two nights ago, was the last time I actually got more than three hours of sleep. Tuesday night, I got about two and a half, last night…well, I got nothing. I let things sink into my head so badly, that I don’t sleep and barely eat, because I revolve myself around that thing until I am content with it.

This thing puts me in the best mood…and worst mood…of my entire life. How does something effect you that much? To think of the intensity in those feelings is unbelievable. I’ll never understand.

I’m in a hard place, right now. I have nine days to get everything figured out with this thing, or it will be hell until I can make my way to Norfolk…if this thing even still wants me to be there. I really hope so. I’m ready to fight for anything and everything to do with it. I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life.

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“You’ve Already Won Me Over Friday, Apr 4 2008

in spite of me and don’t be alarmed if I fall, head over feet.
Don’t be surprised if I love you, for all that you are…
I couldn’t help it, its all your fault.”

You treat me like I’m a princess, I’m not use to liking that.

For those of you who haven’t listened to Alanis Morissette, or don’t actually know me, you should know that basically everything she writes and sings about relates to me almost 100%. So, if you want to know me, listen to her…a lot.

I’m broke, but I’m happy. I’m poor, but I’m kind. I’m short, but I’m healthy, yeah. What it all comes down to - is that everything’s gonna be fine, fine, fine ’cause I’ve got one hand in my pocket and the other one is giving a high five. I’m young and I’m underpaid. I’m tired, but I’m working, yeah. I’m free, but I’m focused. I’m hard, but I’m friendly, baby. I’m sad, but I’m laughing. I’m brave, but I’m chicken shit. I’m sick, but I’m pretty baby.

A traffic jam…when you’re already late.
Its ten thousand spoons, when all you need is a knife.
Its meeting the man of my dreams…and then meeting his beautiful wife.

How about stopping eating when I’m filled up?
How about how good it feels to finally forgive you?
How about me not blaming you for everything?
How about unabashedly bawling your eyes out?

That I would be good, even if I did nothing.
That I would be good, even if I got the thumbs down.
That I would be good, if I got and stayed sick.
That I would be good, even if I gained 10 pounds.
That I would be grand, if I was not all knowing.
That I would be good, even when I am overwhelmed.
That I would be good, even if I lost sanity.
That I would be good, whether with or without you.

I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone.
I recommend walking around naked in your living room.
I recommend biting off more than you can chew to anyone.
I recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at any time.

Feel free.

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Come Out Jenny, Its Getting Late Friday, Apr 4 2008

A good day!

Yesterday started off really good, too. Well, morning, anyways…I think. From what I remember, yeah…haha. Anyways! Yesterday went to shit at exactly 10:14am. I was in fitness and I get a call from Nate saying that he wouldn’t be coming home that day, like he was supposed to. I mean, come on, I’ve been waiting for him to come home for so long! I don’t want to to wait another freakin day! Then, it gets worse when my best friend, Sam, and I get in a stupid fight and him basically telling me that I’m the last person on his list he needs to worry about…uhh, thanks, best friend!…not. Then, out of at least 10 shift managers from all the Cold Stone’s, none could cover for me last night? I call bullshit. But, my manager did come in and close for me, so I could go home early, so that was good.

Anyways! The good day! Today has been pretty great, so far, except for Maddi calling me at 4am crying :/ sad day. Its all good, though, I cheered her up, which made me sleep better. Then, I actually woke up to my alarm clock! That my friend, is absolutely amazing. So, I was actually up by seven, actually had time to enjoy a bowl of delicious Apple Jacks, AND got to school on time (which earned me a point! woot woot, you’re going down Scott!). EXCEPT, I walked into class fairly early and Jason is sitting there…all by himself, with the perfect chance of talking to me…but did he? Of course not. Oh well! I’m NOT letting him bring down my day, no way! Nate’s coming home today and I have a day off, nothing could ruin this day, I swear…and if it does…oh dear, someone is going to get hurt.

Woot!

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Only Accept It Wednesday, Apr 2 2008

Jump back to the moment your wet heels hit the floor like a thunderclap; you came racing toward me. My eyes were tiny beads of the blackest pearl. My fear erased itself and I quickly jumped to the instance you flung my bedroom door open. The white water running from your tear ducts, making every bone in my body tremble with a faint, undeniable, weakness. Jump to opening my eyes, raising my head, ties, ties, ties. My harmony sewn together, seam by seam. This suit, slowly choking my every memory of your diseased body, into the nothingness that I prayed would never become of you.

Just remember that your memory could never haunt a single night of my life. Every memory of you, as scant as they are, empties my heart of every painful, delicately misplaced emotion. Leaving my bones tingling with nothing, except the taste of the cool breeze that surrounded you. As we, the few regarded as “lucky“, attempted to find any tear in the seams of our skin to pull each inch of our hearts to give to you. Just remember that I will hear your words each night as my restless body tortures the earth in search of the comfort that you always brought. Memorizing blankets, faces, and songs. Lullabies for the weak and the weaker.

I memorized tastes that you gave me, so those lifeless hands could finally rest. In harmony, I would leave everything in their memorized place, but I will always forget and leave you to creep back upon me.

And so, we must jump to the stories ending.

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The Whale Wednesday, Apr 2 2008

We could be together in this house -

 I’ll teach you how to breathe like me.

With the waves above my shoulders,
I can finally be in a world where my body doesn’t matter…
                                                                                  displayed for none to see.

Where the birds don’t sing,
but that don’t mean anything.
I never liked them anyway.

We could be together in this house -

 I’ll teach you how to breathe.

With the waves above your shoulders,
you can finally be in this world…
                                                        in my world.

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