From Andrew:
“Don’t hold someone in your heart that you can’t hold in your arms.
Letting go doesn’t mean you have to stop loving someone, or that you gave up,
it means that you understand that life goes on with or without him/her.”
The Best Advice Monday, Jun 16 2008
If You Feel Like Thinking Advice, Andrew Landon, Life, Love, myspace, Relationships 6:07 am
Fuck Straight Edge Thursday, Jun 12 2008
Bitch. Whine. Complain. and If You Feel Like Thinking and Life. Love. Kari. and Stereotypes Abhorrence, Abstinence, Alcohol, Church, Commitment, Drugs, Family, Indie, Liars, Life, pride, Pro-Life, Promiscuity, Racism, Religion, scene, Straight Edge, Trash, Unity, Veganism 11:03 pm
For those of you who are not aware – Straight Edge is a “unity” of people who have made a lifetime commitment (or what is supposed to be a lifetime commitment) to stay away from drugs, alcohol, and promiscuity. You can keep it simple, such as cigarettes, hard drugs, alcohol, and no sex in the absence of a serious relationship. Or, you can take it to the extreme and add in veganism, pro-life beliefs, no caffeine or anything with caffeine (including chocolate), and abstinence.
Like mentioned, this is supposed to be a “unity”, a group of people with one common goal, a family. So, why would they purposely attack other Straight Edge individuals because of their lives? If they broke Edge, then its understandable, but if not…its hypocritical.
I was recently one of these “other” Straight Edge individuals who was purposely attacked simply for the fact that my favourite movie is American History X. I was attacked as being “racist, fashion core, scene trash, a bitch, a liar, shooting indie bullshit out my ass, and someone who should be shot.” I was personally attacked over MYSPACE by multiple people in a Straight Edge group, one of which is a school teacher! They also attacked a person because of his religious beliefs. Wow, right? These coming from the people who are supposed to be “family”? I don’t know what kind of family they run, but mine doesn’t treat their family members this way. My friends are my family, also, and if I were racist, I wouldn’t have African American people as friends, nor openly say, “Hey! I’m racist!” Fuck that.
I took on the term “Straight Edge” as an eight year old child. Yes, that’s possible. I’ve argued this many times in my life. I’m now almost eighteen years old and after ten years, have decided to no longer carry the term. Its a cult, a term for people who can’t run their own lives. Its taken a lot to make me see this, but I’m glad I finally have. I don’t associate with people who are supposed to be family, people who are supposed to be a unity, but turn their back on someone who might be a little different. I don’t float that direction. The Straight Edge scene has proven to me to be hypocritical. Its nothing more than a cult and complete bullshit.
I will not label myself as part of something this abhorrent. I will not define my life by two words. I find it very weak that these people need this term to define themselves and their lives. I’m done and will no longer be apart of it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still going to be poison free and keep these things out of my life, but I won’t label myself. I’m Kari Alliah, and by sticking up for who I am, I now have over 20,000 people who hate me across the world and I couldn’t be more proud of myself, honestly.
Think About It Sunday, Jun 8 2008
Bitch. Whine. Complain. and If You Feel Like Thinking and Stereotypes BET, Cinco de Mayo, Ghetto, Laws, Martin Luther King, Million Man March, Protesting, Race, Racism, Violence 10:35 pm
- You pass me on the street and sneer in my direction. You call me “Cracker”, “Honkey”, “Whitey” and even “The Man” and you think it’s ok, but when I call you “Nigger”, “Kike”, “Towelhead”, “Sand-Nigger”, “Dune Coon”, “Camel Jockey”, “Beaner” or “Chink” you call me a racist.
- You say that whites commit a lot of violence against you, so why are the ghettos the most dangerous places to live?
- You say that you want to make a change in this country. How? By protesting everything that we believe in? By trying to change everything that has made this country run fine for centuries?
- You have Martin Luther King Day. You have Cesar Chavez Day. You have Yom Hashoah. You have Cinco de Mayo. You have Ma’uled Al-Nabi. You have BET. If we had WET (white entertainment television) we’d be racists.
- If we had a White Pride Day you would call us racists.
- If we had white history month, we’d be racists.
- In the Million Man March, you believed that you were marching for your race and rights. If we marched for our race and rights, you would call us racists.
- You enjoy the thought of Driver’s Licenses for illegals. We enjoy the thought of people obeying the laws of the land in which they reside. No negotiations.
- You are proud to be black, brown, yellow and orange, and you’re not afraid to announce it, but when we announce our white pride, you call us racists.
- You call each other “niggas”, and in doing that you’re saying its ok and that it doesn’t offend you, but when we say it, its racist.
- You rob us, carjack us, and shoot at us, but, when a white police officer shoots a black gang member or beats up a black drug-dealer running from the law and posing a threat to society, you call him a racist.
- You can have Hispanic clubs and Africans American clubs, but we couldnt even think of starting a white club without there being controversy.”
I am white. I am proud, but, you call me a racist. Why is it that only whites can be racists? Why should white people respect black people, if the black people can’t respect white people? That goes for every other race, also. I don’t get it.
What I’ve realized, lately Friday, Jun 6 2008
Life. Love. Kari. and Story Time Assholes, Best Friends, Cosmetology, Dirty, Family, Friendship, Graduation, Insomnia, Jealousy, Jobs, Life, Love, Lying, Parenthood, Passion, Positivity, Pregnancy, Punks, School, Smile, Wisconsin, Worthless 9:30 pm
Punk is my true roots. I listened to it growing up, starting looking like one, quit looking like one, stopped hanging out with them, had a shitty life, starting hanging with them again, and life is the best its ever been. I’ve never had better friends. I use to be in denial about all this, with absolutely no reason why, and I’ve definitely kicked my own ass for this. I wouldn’t rather be surrounded by any other people.
People I thought were my friends, weren’t really my friends. You know, those people you thought would be there, nah. I quit talking to a bunch of people for awhile and they never even tried to talk to me. So basically, if I don’t make the move, nothing is going to happen. Sweet friends. OH! And the other ones, who are still your friends in some sort of way, talk shit on your BEST friends. Jealousy much? I don’t care who you are, but don’t ever call my friends dirty or worthless, that’s a straight ticket out of my life.
Aside from the group of friends I’ve recently found serenity in, I have the best friend I could ever ask for. She’s been there for me through literally, thick and thin. If there’s one person I can talk to about and tell absolutely anything, its Chelsea. Whether she lives 1676 miles away, she’s the best, truest, and closest friend I’ve ever had and for once, I can honestly call someone my best friend with full and true meaning behind it.
I’ve been sleeping a lot better. Life is good, which apparently equals better sleeping habits? That, and not really caring what I look like anymore. I don’t need to wake up early to get ready, anymore. I don’t need to make my hair look big and cute, or wear a lot of makeup. I’m happy looking simple. Seriously, who am I trying to impress? I’ve got the most amazing people in my life, and they like me no matter what I look like, I’m not trying to bring anyone else in.
I’m really not that good at a whole lot of things, and I definitely don’t have a passion for hardly anything. I mean, I’m good at a lot of things, but nothing that could really give me a life. And my one passion, doing hair. That’s the one thing I want to do that will give me some sort of income, and the only thing I have enough passion to go through more school for.
Tying in with that, I really hate school. I mean, I know a lot of people hate school, but I really fucking hate it. I, at least, had some sort of drive to finish, though. If it weren’t for my mom and brother, I would have dropped out. My brother dropped out and my mom already feels like she doesn’t do her best, so I didn’t want to give her any other reason to think that. I finished for her, a year early, at that. I feel accomplished, for once.
Ahh family. For some reason, I’ve been wanting my own a lot, lately. I mean, I see so many people getting married and so many girls looking all cute with a baby bump. Its a weird passion, I guess. Its always been something I’ve wanted more than anything. I grew up really fast and I’m extremely mature for my age, so for some reason, I feel like I should have all this? That doesn’t mean I’m going to get myself pregnant at age seventeen, I just can’t wait for it all. I know my time will come and I’m more than ready for it.
I’m more excited for life than ever, lately. I graduated early, not long until I’m eighteen, have the most amazing person by my side. Seriously, what more could I ask for? I don’t think life has ever been so good. I mean, I’m stressing the shithole job thing, but I’m working on it and I’m keeping my head up.
I’m becoming a lot more positive. I think the life I’ve wanted, that I have going, is definitely helping. I’ve always been pretty positive, but I am more-so now that I know its finally paying off. My whole life, I’ve felt like I’ve been working for something that I wasn’t going to get, but now that I’ve proven myself wrong, I’m doing so much better with everything and I’m loving every second of it.
I’ve grown up a lot in the past year, I think there’s one person who can really justify that. Ian, I’ve been changing specifically for him and myself. I use to be way too hard on him, but he’s shown me a lot. When I almost lost the most important thing to me because of how I was acting, I knew it was time for me to get myself in line. All these things I’ve realized, is because of him. I’m finally happy with who I am and how my life is, and its honestly all because of him.
I could probably go on and on about how much I love my life, lately, but I’ll keep this short(er) and sweet. I still have that life to uphold 
Smile big today.
This Better Change Someone’s Life Friday, Jun 6 2008
Bitch. Whine. Complain. and If You Feel Like Thinking and Life. Love. Kari. and Story Time Believing, Change, emo, Faith, Friendship, From First To Last, Fun, Guidance, High School, Hope, Letters, Life, Love, Marriage, Parenthood, Promises, Questions, Summer, Trust 9:19 pm
I wrote this almost two years ago. I just found it…and re-read it for the first time (you’ll understand what I mean by that after you read this).
“So, in a nutshell, it has been one of those days and one of those nights. The ones that make you think about everything, but nothing at all. The ones where you want to smile while crying. The ones where that one song makes you cry for hours. The ones where, even if you want to be ok, you still do whatever it is that is making you not ok? Something along those lines. This will probably be as real as I get. I usually think about everything before I do something. Meaning, before I write something and actually let people read it, I make sure it is up to par. I make sure it is in order and makes sense. I make sure there is nothing wrong with it and it is exactly how I feel. Maybe those end up being something the exact opposite? I need to stop thinking so much. I do not live because I constantly think about everything. I never just do anything. I have never been in deep trouble, I have never broken the law, I have never done anything like that. Maybe I need to? I am not saying I am going to be a bad person or anything, but maybe I need to get in trouble. Maybe I need to live for once. That is not really me, though. I do not really know who I am, but who does at sixteen? I want to meet them and add them to my list of comers and goers. I hate when that happens. People simply come into your life and leave it whenever they please. They give you no warning, no signs, they just come and go. I am at a block right now. I hate when that happens. Anywho, like Kendall. She was the best friend I ever had. She was closer to me than anyone ever could have been. One day, she just up and left. Made me feel like I was doing absolutely nothing when I thought I was doing so much. I tried everything I could to help, but it was never enough. I miss the times where her and Katie would dress up and try to scare me. I miss the late night talks we used to have. Our summers together. Those times where she felt like my real sister, when she would live with me for months on end. I miss being able to talk to her about anything when I needed her the most. Coming to now, when I do not have her at all. I think I take a lot of things for granted. I am never happy for the things I do have, I feel so ungrateful for that. Mikeal has a tendency to know exactly how I am feeling, when I have no clue. He said that maybe the things I do not have, are what makes me happy and the things I do have, are what I do not care for. I think he might be right. There is one thing, that one thing that makes me happy, that I do not have. I do not know if I will ever have it again. Maybe I will, but I do not think so. I hope so, but I have a tendency to hope for a lot of things that will never happen. Like, maybe my dad will be a real father someday. Maybe my mom will be able to relax one of these days. Yeah right. I hate when you devote your whole life to someone thinking that things between you will never end, and then they do. Then you feel like an absolute empty hole because you do not really know how to get that life back, no matter how hard you try. There are a few points in my life that have changed my life forever. I mean, they are not your typical everday, random, someone-amazing-came-into-your-life kind of points, but real life-altering points. I hate those points. They all happened so fast, I did not expect them at all and I did not expect the turnouts to be as they were. But, they were and now I feel hopeless, even though I have all the hope in the world. I do not believe in dreams, but I think I believe in people far too much. People are walking, talking, pieces of shit. Honestly. The only thing people are good for is making sure you are aware that you are still alive. They make you feel the best and worst of feelings, its like a pinch that makes sure you can still feel. Or, something along those lines. Jordan just let me know that I am crazy. It is nice to be re-informed of some things every once in awhile. For the first time since I have been writing, I have not gone through and re-read this. That is a huge step up. I have been tempted to, but I have not done it. At least I am making progress in something for once. I am so used to people questioning everything I say because I am so weird, I say odd things sometimes. I met someone a few days ago who does not ever really question anything. He kind of just takes things in as I say them as if they are changing his life or something, or maybe he just does not really care about what I say and is just pretending to? I do not know, either way, I think this kid has changed my life. He let me know, without knowing he has, that you do not always have to question everything in life. Sometimes, you just need to take things as they are. If you question everything, what the hell good is that going to do you? None, really. It will simply hold you back from living. Perhaps this is why I cannot ever live for the future? I am always caught up with the past. Its like, I cannot move on. If there is one thing I know for certain about myself, it is that I cannot move on from anything quickly at all. Its a curse, I tell you. I hate it. You know what else I hate? When you feel something you know you should not be, or maybe you just do not want to feel it, but at the same time, you want to because it is letting you know that you are still alive because it is reminding you that you can still feel. Maybe you just do not want to feel alive, so you try to put those feelings aside, but then you realize that you cannot put them aside, because as much as you hate to admit, you are still alive and that is just the way it is. I am not sure if any of this is making sense to anyone and I do not really think I am sure I know exactly what I have written in this, but I really hope it changes someone’s life. I have always wanted to know if I changed someone’s life, so far, no one has told me anything. I must be a loser. Something that makes me feel like an even bigger loser, is the fact that my nose is runny and I just happen to be wearing my From First To Last sweater and wiping my nose on my sleeve. I feel like the epitome of emo, how cool, right? Anywho, back to Caleb. That kid, I have known him for about a week and he has already changed my life. I do not know if I like the fact that he does not question me, or if I hate it beyond all reason. I love having to explain myself to others, but I hate it when people do not ask things. I believe I am one very large, walking contradiction, eh. It is not very fun. I think I may have repeated myself a few times in this, but oh well, I am going to continue on my winning streak of not re-reading it and fixing anything. I wish I could do this with the letter I was supposed to send Jerold like, three months ago. I refuse to send it to him because I do not think it is good enough. Wow, I really need to live more. I remember living once, and nothing good came from it. Or, maybe it was good? I do not really know. All I know, is that one thing I did in this process, was by far the stupidest thing I have ever done and the one thing I regret. I do not regret anything, except this one thing. My ear is bleeding. How random. I babysat my three month old cousin tonight. It was so frustrating. I could not figure out what I was doing wrong and I almost wanted to cry. It made me realize how much I cannot wait to start a real life, though. One with more frustrations than not being able to pass geometry. One where I have to worry more about feeding a family and less about how my hair looks. This will probably scare my mom. She will probably think I mean I want a baby right now, that is not what I am getting at. Although, that would make me like her. She may be stressed a lot and act like she always has so many things to do, but my mom is the strongest woman I know. She raised three kids on her own by age 21. I think if she did not go through all that, she would not be as strong as she is today. I would love to be that strong, but I do not think I will. I think I take my mom for granted. I do not thank her enough for what she has done. I look at what I have, not thinking it is a lot, but it really is. I feel so ungrateful. I hate it. It brings me down. I think I feel like I need all the answers right now, which, because I do not, I feel depressed a lot because I do not have some things. Its like, I have been in love, I know I have and when I lost that, I felt like I lost my whole world not realizing that I am only sixteen and will more than likely find another. I do not want another, though. I want to be one of those couples that stay together forever with the very first person they fell in love with. I want to know the feeling of never loving someone, but that one person. I would do anything to have that. That is another thing I hope for. I refuse to move on because I do not want another. What if I am forced to move on? I cannot be alone forever, can I? What am I saying, we all leave this world the same way we came in it. Alone and possibly bloody. I could definitely go on and on with this, but frankly, I am tired and my head hurts. Tonight was my first night of parenthood, without actually being the parent and I have to say, I feel for my brother and my sister-in-law. I need sleep. I think I am delirious. I do not even think I spelled that right, but I am over it. If you actually read all this, let me know so I can be sure to tell you how big of a loser you are and that you need to get a life.”
Wow, right? Maybe I’m the one who needs a life. Either way, I was obviously a newly-aged, sixteen year old, with no direction for my life when I wrote this. I’m doing better now, by the way. A lot better. The person I loved, that I thought I’d never get back, yeah, I got him back. We plan on getting married, actually, and starting the family I’ve been dying to have. We still have awhile before we are going to, though. I’ve never been so excited for anything in my entire life. I guess I was right, though, up there – about not being able to move on, because I was stuck on having the picture perfect “marry your high school sweetheart” thing. I didn’t move on, I waited, and here we are. You can’t lose hope for things, don’t listen to anything I said up there. DO NOT lose hope for things, hope is what keeps you afloat. I was a stupid sixteen year old, who was obviously hating the world, when I wrote all that above. Oh! And the friend, Kendall, she came back around. She’s doing a lot better and, for lack of better words, isn’t so stupid and inconsiderate anymore. And Caleb, the kid who inspired me after a week? We’re still friends and he’s still the same. He’s one of the better friends I have and he really did inspire my life. I thank him so much for that.
All in all, I’m a much better person, now. I’ve grown up a lot. I know I don’t need the answers right this moment and I’m perfectly content with that. I absolutely love my life, right now. I honestly can’t say its ever been better. I feel more alive and more happy than ever. I wouldn’t change a thing.
If you take anything from this (if you actually read all of it?) please take the fact that you should never lose hope. Not in yourself, not in your friends, not in love. If you want something, or you want change, you better keep afloat with it. Keep hope and I promise you, it will happen. It may take awhile, but it will be more than worth the wait when it happens. Trust me.
So Much Friday, Jun 6 2008
Life. Love. Kari. and Story Time Beauty, Heartbeats, Hugs, Kisses, Life, Love, Memories, Perfection, Truth, Waiting, Whispering 8:45 pm
I didn’t know who you were,
but I knew you were worth the wait.
You call me beautiful not because of how I look, but because of how you feel. You kiss me in the middle of crowds to show people that I am yours and only yours. I can always count on you to whisper cute little things in my ear at random moments. You always put your hand out first when we’re walking together. You always know when to call me, so that your voice is the first sound I hear to start to my day. You let me play with your hair whenever I want, and you know I will even if it is greasy and unwashed. You make cute little faces because you know it makes me laugh and you know I’ll kiss you anyways. You always make sure that whenever we’re together, we make every second a memory. You hold my hand, kiss me, and tell me you love me in front of your friends, not worrying about what they’ll say. You give the best hugs and I can always feel the beating of your heart as my head rests against your chest. I always have to get on my tiptoes to kiss you. You respect everything there is about me. We’re always different and do weird things, simply because we can. The way we look at each other lets everyone know we are each other’s everything. No matter what it is you’re doing, you always seem to amaze me. You always make me feel comfortable enough to share my thoughts and feelings with you. You always tell me the truth, even if its not what I want to hear. You’re always yourself around me, even if I dislike some of the things you do.
I could point out all of your flaws and imperfections, but I like much more to look past them and love you for who you are. I love the sense of laying next to you and memorizing the way you breathe, the way you blink, the way you move, the way your heart beats. I wish I could record every moment we’re together and everything we do – every hug, every kiss, every argument, every look, every walk, every touch, everything – and play it all back to you when you feel like you’re not enough. I wish I could prove to you that you are enough. You keep me alive and make me forget that there is a world outside of being in your arms. You make me feel like if I were anywhere with anyone else, something would be missing. I love piecing together the meaning and strength behind every mumble you make when you’re too tired to string together the words you need to form a sentence. You’re always so sure of yourself in my eyes. There is nothing questionable or doubtful about us. We’re not perfect – nor will we ever be perfect – but maybe what we have is more than perfection could bring together. Maybe what we have is past the point of perfection. The love we have for each other’s imperfections makes up for everything. That’s the beauty and truth behind you and I and after all that -
Our hands could have held anything they wanted to,
but they still chose to hold each other.
From Your Drunken, Dusty Ray Friday, Jun 6 2008
If You Feel Like Thinking and Life. Love. Kari. Beliefs, Drinking, Drunk, Dusty Ray, Failure, God, Hell, Hope, Jealousy, Jumper, Life, london, Nicotine, pride, Regret, Sanity, Selfishness, Silent Envy, Vindication 8:37 pm
“God save the world, it doesn’t believe me. Fuck the smiles on their faces, because it hurts just to open my eyes. I have to swallow my pride just to breathe, and I don’t care about anyone. I don’t care about this monopoly for life – tell me when to jump and I will. No chance to vindicate my selfish ways back to a feeling a little sane. My father took his steps and he lies in his bed, because he made it and now I’m right next to him, because I don’t think that anything is worth it. This is because I don’t think in the first place.
If I sit alone forever, I won’t hope for anything, because the regret on your lips still stings – its permanent and irrevocable. Kill me as you will and fuck me as you should, but I won’t hope for anything except for nicotine and things that put me here in this position. I’m bringing this world down with me and I hope we all burn in hell together. Its a jealous dance to proclaim what we have become – nothing and everything all at once.”
I Hate the Phone Wednesday, Jun 4 2008
Bitch. Whine. Complain. and Life. Love. Kari. and Story Time and The Workplace Birthday, Cold Stone, Disappointment, Friendship, Heart, Honesty, Laziness, Life, Live, Navy, Perfection, Phone, Sailors, Tattoos, Thoughts, Unemployment, Virginia 8:46 pm
but I wish you’d call.
This is one thing I REALLY need to stop dwelling on, its ridiculous. I have a great life, honestly. I could use a new job, but other than that, things are perfect. I can, with my entire heart, say that things have never been better than they have been the past couple months. So, why am I still dwelling on some sailor trapped in Virginia? I can’t answer that, I wish I could. I’d like to know the answer just as much as everyone else. I think it’s because I’m a talker. I can’t have an argument and not talk to the person face to face until its settled. I think the reason I’m still dwelling, is because he left with no words whatsoever and hasn’t said anything since. Friendships are stupid, honestly. Why have someone close to you, better yet, why get so close to someone, who isn’t going to get close back? I think that’s what I meant to say. I have no idea. All I know, is that someone I thought I was very close to and I thought was just as close back, left without a word. I thought I knew him, guess not. Its making me wonder about everything else I think I know. Maybe I don’t really know those things, either? Ugh, time. Time time time, as much as it can bring you up, it can shut you down just as easily. Eew, fuck the Navy.
On the bright side, Ian got his early birthday present from me on Monday. I paid for a five hour session on his sleeve. We came to find that that was too long of a session for him to handle and needless to say, he’s in a lot of pain, haha. It looks awesome, though. Only about an hour left until his sleeve is completely finished. I have tattoo fever, now. No bueno, never is, lol. I get my stomach piece finished on July 19th and I’m super stoked. Anyways, Ian’s birthday isn’t for another month, but I couldn’t wait and I wanted him to have his sleeve as soon as possible. I get too excited about the gifts I get for people, haha. I always end up telling them, or giving it to them early. I need to try and contain myself.
Fuck, I haven’t posted in forever. I think its almost around the two week mark. What a shame. My views, comments, all my stats – have dropped dramatically. I know there are a lot of people who love reading my stuff, sorry guys :/ but, I’m trying to make a comeback. Its not like I don’t have time, I have all the time in the world, lately. I graduated, quit my job, so all I do is sit at home, or sit at Ian’s house. I HAVE THE TIME, why the hell haven’t I posted? Fuck if I know. I’m going to get back on this, though. Full swing like before. Of course, I say that now, but one of two things will probably happen now that I said that – 1) I’ll get a job and not have time anymore or 2) I really won’t, even if I have the time, haha. Ohhhh shit, my arms hurt for some reason.
I did the funniest thing last night. Ok, so I quit Cold Stone about two weeks ago. The owner of the one I worked at owns two other stores in my area. So, last night, I decided to apply to one of the other neighbor stores, that she doesn’t own, lol. Its not that I didn’t like my job, I fucking loved that job, I just couldn’t work that dumb broad anymore. So, that’d be hilarious if I got that job, because I know the store I was working at – went to complete SHIT after I left, its rather entertaining.
Ohhhhh dear, I’m bored and I feel useless.
