I’m An Asshole Sunday, Jul 13 2008

For two reasons.

REASON NUMBER ONE

My dad called me, while I was at work. This is how the conversation went:

Me: Hmm…dad. Guess I can answer.
Me: Helloooo (if you know me, you know how that “hello” sounds, haha)
Dad: Where are you?
Me: Uhm…at work, why?
Dad: Albertsons?
Me: No, High Valley, today.
Dad: Oh, you work there, now, too?
Me: Yep, mom finally discovered that I can be 17 and work here, not 18. So…here I am.
Dad: Oh. Are you ok?
Me: Uh…yes. I’m fine, just working. Off in an hour. Why?
Dad: You’re not hurt, or anything, are you? Has anything bad happened, lately?
Me: Dad, what’s going on? I’m fine.
Dad: Just making sure. I had a dream that you disappeared and no one could find you. I thought I lost you.
Me: I’m right here, dad. I’m fine, everything is ok.
Dad: Ok, good. I lost you once and I woke up, scared, thinking that I lost you again.
Me: Nope, I’m still here. Nothing to worry about.
Dad: Ok, that makes me feel better. I love you and I just got scared, so I had to call and make sure you were ok.
Me: Ok………I love you, too.
Dad: I’m going to get back to work, now. You should, too. Call me soon.
Me: Ok, have a good night.
Dad: You too.

That was a couple weeks ago, I haven’t talked to him since. Haven’t called him, like I said I would.

Keep a few things in mind:

1) I didn’t see my dad from age four, to age fifteen. At age fifteen, Ian and I were at Albertsons and I see him behind the butcher’s block. He looks at me…thinking he recognizes me…then I say “Uh…Kelly?” And he finally knows who I am. Weird moment. Since then, the only times I’ve seen him are if I just happen to be at the Albertsons in the next city over, and my brother’s wedding last summer. None for more than 10 minutes.

2) I’ve never heard the words “I love you” from him, nor have I ever said them to him. And he’s never hugged me, nor have I ever tried to hug him. The only thing that has happened, is him putting his arm around my shoulders, for a picture at my brother’s wedding.

3) He chose another girl, over his family. Then betrayed her and the two other kids he had with her, just like he did to us. Only, he stayed with her, because he “can’t handle another divorce”. So, he works all the time and drinks all the time to block out family number two. He chose alcohol over family. We all know how I feel about alcohol, this is your reason why. Congratulations on finally knowing why.

So, why am I an asshole in this sense? After writing all this…I actually don’t know. See, my brother gave up on him a long time ago. Didn’t even invite him to the wedding…I did. I told my dad that he better be there, or I’d give up on him, too (I wouldn’t have, but he showed up, so…) My brother has the capability to give up on him and shut him out, I don’t. I’ve tried, trust me, I’ve tried. My brother thinks its better to not have him there at all, then to have him at his leisure. I’m the exact opposite. I’d rather have him there for a few minutes, every couple months, than not at all. Even though it hurts more, because he constantly lets me down, I’d still rather have him there. For some reason, its impossible for me to give up on my dad and I don’t know why.

This is why I feel like an asshole. My whole life, I’ve tried to do the opposite of him, so that I don’t ever turn out like him. So, by him calling me this time and telling me to “call him soon”, which I agree to, but I didn’t. That makes me like him, in a very tiny portion. I haven’t called him, yet. I left him hanging, just like he’s left everyone in his life hanging. I shouldn’t feel bad, but I do. I should call him.

REASON NUMBER TWO

Scott sent me a message, over myspace, that almost made me cry. This is how that went:

“I really don’t know whats going on between us…is there any friendship left, or what? All the sudden, my brother came into town for one night, we had a few beers, and we hanged out..Is there really something *that bad* about me enjoying myself for one night in such a freakishly harmless way? I’m not a alcoholic, heck, I’ve never had a beer in my life until then..Just because you don’t like something doesn’t mean that you should totally screw over a friendship because of it. I’m sorry that I upset you and I probably shouldn’t of carried on with myself by telling you over & over. But if that’s how you really feel – “We’ll have to see” – over one little thing…Then that’s the most pointless thing to say to me ever because if YOU did something that I didn’t like..I would NEVER put myself in the position of giving up on you..friends are supposed to forgive each other. “I’ll always be here, don’t forget that.” or has that all been a bunch of baloney? In my eyes, nothing has really changed..but you have. I don’t know what it is, but you’ve changed somehow lately and I don’t know how to think of it. I’ve tried to say “Hey Kari, how are you?” to shred all of the drama, but you don’t seem to want to give it a chance. I’m still myself, the same old Scott. I’m sick of all this drama, if you don’t want me to text me, call you, talk to you, message you, or care for you; just tell me. I don’t ever back down on my word, so if you still want to be my friend, you know I’m here. If not, at least give me a real goodbye. We’ve been through a lot of shit, so a goodbye over the phone would be nice.“

That was a couple days ago and I haven’t talked to him about, yet. Haven’t called, texted, or done anything.

Keep a few things in mind:

1) Scott told me he wouldn’t drink. He told me he thought it was gross. He knows my story and why I hate it so much. He knows about all the bullshit I went through with Ian, because of drinking. So, obviously, he told me that he thought it was stupid and wouldn’t ever stoop to that level and that he was there for me. And if he did, he definitely wouldn’t give me the story about it.

2) Scott is one of my best friends. I’ve known him the least out of all my friends, but he’s easily one of the best. That kid can talk me through anything and I tell him everything, even the details he really doesn’t want to know, haha. He’s one of the closest people to me and one of the very few people who keep me sane.

3) He chose to drink and tell me all about it.

So, why do I feel like the asshole in this sense? Well, he drank a few beers with his brother, then decided to tell me all about it – breaking two things he’s told me, right then and there. I told him I really didn’t give a shit about how his night went with his brother and that I could give a shit less about how much he drank and whether he was drunk, or not. After that, I basically stopped talking to him. He tried texting me, and I never replied, until one day. I finally broke loose and let him know how I felt about the situation. But even after we settled things, I still didn’t talk to him. Doesn’t matter how busy I was, whether I lost my phone, or not, but I did have his number. I could have called to say something, but I didn’t. Its like I gave up in him and I don’t even have a legit reason as to why.

This is why I feel like an asshole. I’m to the point where I hate alcohol so much, that I’ll even give up a best friend for having a few, for the first time ever. He’s one of my best friends, for God’s sake. How can I be so selfish to try and give up a best friend for doing something that I hate? Its not like he’s an alcoholic, or that he’s done it since (I actually don’t know if he has, or not). So, why the hell am I acting so stupid about it and ignoring him? I don’t know.

So, all in all, I feel like an asshole and I don’t know if I should, or not. Looking from an outsider’s point of view, I don’t get why I feel like I’m in the wrong. These stories make pretty good sense to me
and these people screwed me over, so why do I feel like the asshole? But then again, if you know me, I’m a very genuine person and an even better friend, so for me to let these things slide as they would have, that would have been a defamation of my character, by my own self and I can’t do that.

That’s why I feel like an asshole.

But I still don’t know how I’ve changed (the line that’s bolded above, in Scott’s message). I’m almost positive that I haven’t changed. I would love to know how.

Oh, and Scott, you spelled “baloney” wrong. It works that way, but technically, its spelled “bologna”. Dork.

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Pick Some Wildflowers Saturday, Jul 5 2008

So hold your head up high and know it’s not the end of the road. Walk down this beaten path before you pack your things and head home. At the end of the road, you’ll find what you’ve been longing for.

One thing I have learned is that it’s more lonely to walk this road of life with a huge group of people, than it is to share it with one person who means the world to you. I’ll save you. Your breath, time, finger muscles and tell you that you won’t compare to him. I care about him so much that I can’t even begin to describe it. He is my best friend and my everything. Every moment spent with him is another moment I truly appreciate life. If you try pulling me away from him, you will see me pulling myself away from you.

Find a wide-open field to frolic in today. Pick some wildflowers and bring them to a vase on your kitchen table. Small things can bring a great deal of sunshine and hope to a stagnant situation. Try your best to clear your mind of unnecessary clutter and open it up for new possibilities to enter.

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Superheroes Saturday, Jul 5 2008

Update, because I’ve been slacking again.
Moving on, because I’ve been held back again.
Heartbreaks, new boyfriend, old friends.

What the hell was my last post? Ahh, ok.

“Don’t hold someone in your heart that you can’t hold in your arms.

Letting go doesn’t mean you have to stop loving someone, or that you gave up,
it means that you understand that life goes on with or without him/her.”

Heartbreaks.
Ian and I broke up, for the last time. Fourth time, last time. Our difference finally got the best of us, he broke up with me, wanted to get back together a week later, and guess what? I said no. That’s right. Little, weak, run-back-to-him-all-the-time me told him no. Who am I kidding? This is the fourth time he’s broken up with me and I’m sick of crying, I’m sick of putting my life on hold waiting for him to come back, I’m sick of allowing the same thing to happen to me over and over again. Granted, I had a huge part in him breaking up with me this time, I’ll admit to that, but still. I finally started trusting the relationship enough to make plans for the future and it blows up in my face. I don’t really make plans, so this was a huge step, and a huge disappointment for me. I cried for one day and was refreshed the next day. Haven’t cried since and its been a few weeks. Why not? Every other time, I cried for days, months. Didn’t eat, didn’t sleep. What’s so different about this time? The quote above, that’s it. “

“Letting go doesn’t mean you have to stop loving someone, or that you gave up, it means that you understand that life goes on with or without him/her.” I’m always going to care about him, but I can’t be with him anymore and I’ve finally accepted that. I’m not giving up on him and I haven’t stopped loving him, but I am letting go. I do know that life goes on without him. It was hard doing this. I had to muster up every ounce of courage and strength in me to tell him no. Its been him for the past three years, I was interested in ONE other person the entire three years (yay for Sailors, I’ll be talking about this later on in here, too). Like said above, I went right back to him three times, but I couldn’t do it this time. I finally got the strength in myself to be selfish. I’m not a selfish person. As long as the people I care about are happy, I’ll think everything is ok, even if its killing me inside. Point is, I do love him and do care about him, always will, but its time to move on..and I have. Maybe not 100%, but I’m working on it.

New boyfriend.
Its one of the most difficult things for me to be with someone who drinks. I can put up with smoking, but still don’t like it. I’ve lost a lot in my life, because of alcohol. A lot. The last thing I need in my life is someone I’m in love with, whose a borderline alcoholic. The amount of hate I have for alcohol is enough to overpower the feeling of love. I’ve discovered that no matter how much I love someone, I’ll never 100% accept them for who they are if they drink. That sounds terrible to say, but Ian is proof. I was so in love with that kid, he was my world for three years, I’d do anything for him and everyone knew that (and everyone hated that), but when his drinking became extreme, I couldn’t do it. I could manage being friends with him, but I can’t stay with someone like that. I tried as hard as I could to keep my head up, be accepting, love him for who he was…I just couldn’t. I found myself falling out of love.

Its over now and I’m moving on. I’ve met one of God’s most perfect creations. His name is Matthew and he’s everything I’ve ever prayed for. The hate I have for alcohol, smoking, and drugs…he has, also. The silly faces I make at people, that make them look at me like I’m stupid…he makes back. The drive I have to make the person I’m with the happiest person alive…he shows for me. He pays attention to the little things that make me happy and does them all. He’s made a life for himself and wants me to be a part of it. For once, I’m being supported, not being the supporter. He wants all the same things that I want, which is a huge deal for me. He’s one of the goofiest people I’ve ever met and everything he does makes me smile. He pretends to be a racecar driver when we’re driving around, plays with Marvel action figures, gets his priorities in line and follows it, drinks as much Chai Tea as I do, drives twenty minutes to see me everyday, even if its for no longer than an hour, or just to kiss me goodnight. Come on, he evens freaks out as much as I do when a new superhero movie comes out. Our first date, The Incredible Hulk. Can’t top that. Batman comes out in two weeks, we got matching shirts and are going to be first in line, baby! Honestly, though, he’s like my own superhero. He saved me from ruining myself. I was about ready to settle for something I didn’t truly want. Everyone could see on my face that I didn’t want it, but since I didn’t know anything else, I was going to make everything ok with it. Matthew has proved to me that there is more out there. That there is someone who is going to give back everything I give to them. He’s that person. He’s everything I’ve ever prayed for and I couldn’t ask for more. And as much as I hated my job at Albertsons (which I already quit, by the way), there’s one good thing that came from it: needing black pants as part of my uniform, going to Hot Topic to find them, and meeting Matthew there, cause he works there. Thank God for getting that job, even if I quit a month later.

Old friends.
Since Ian, I’ve reconnected with quite a few people. I was so stupid in that relationship, that I let him control who I was friends with and who I talked to. I rarely ever talked to Ali anymore, because he didn’t like her, and she’s been one of my best friends since the sixth grade. I almost completely stopped talking to Sam, because Ian hated him, and Sam has been there for me more than just about anyone. I entirely stopped talking to Tony, because Ian didn’t like us talking, and Tony was there for me through everything Ian put me through. I stopped talking and hanging out with Eric, because Ian thought it was just unacceptable, and Eric has been there for near four years. I even disconnected with my family. They weren’t fond of Ian for one reason and one reason only, they knew he wasn’t what I ultimately wanted for myself, but I stayed with him. That caused conflict with my family and I because I refused to listen to them and fought to defend everything I thought was right. Luckily, all these people are true friends and love me enough to have accepted my apology. They were there for me more than anyone and I let Ian get in the way of that. So much for love, right? I accepted all of his friends and made them my own, despite the differences between us all, they’re awesome. Its a shame that he couldn’t do the same for me. I’ve learned my lesson. I lost a lot of friends for a stupid reason and I can’t apologize enough. I’ll never be able to make up for it, but I’m fortunate enough for them to still be here for me.

On another part, not my doing, but it adds to old friends and reconnecting – Nate talked to me yesterday for the first time since he left for Virginia. Yeah, you all know that story, so you can only imagine how great of a moment that was for me. Its like, I finally get everything going in the right direction, for once, and more things just start to follow. I finally have back all the friendships I’ve missed for so long and that makes me the happiest person in the world.

I never really realized what I had. I had good friends, good family ties, and I gave it all up because I put all of my faith into something I knew wasn’t going to happen. I’m not saying that I regret being with Ian, or that I don’t care about him, I’m just saying that I let him blind me for far too long. I wish I could have realized these things on my own, but sometimes, you need a superhero to help save the day.

Matthew opened my eyes. Now, I feel refreshed. I feel healthy. I feel happy.

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