Update, because I’ve been slacking again.
Moving on, because I’ve been held back again.
Heartbreaks, new boyfriend, old friends.

What the hell was my last post? Ahh, ok.

“Don’t hold someone in your heart that you can’t hold in your arms.

Letting go doesn’t mean you have to stop loving someone, or that you gave up,
it means that you understand that life goes on with or without him/her.”

Heartbreaks.
Ian and I broke up, for the last time. Fourth time, last time. Our difference finally got the best of us, he broke up with me, wanted to get back together a week later, and guess what? I said no. That’s right. Little, weak, run-back-to-him-all-the-time me told him no. Who am I kidding? This is the fourth time he’s broken up with me and I’m sick of crying, I’m sick of putting my life on hold waiting for him to come back, I’m sick of allowing the same thing to happen to me over and over again. Granted, I had a huge part in him breaking up with me this time, I’ll admit to that, but still. I finally started trusting the relationship enough to make plans for the future and it blows up in my face. I don’t really make plans, so this was a huge step, and a huge disappointment for me. I cried for one day and was refreshed the next day. Haven’t cried since and its been a few weeks. Why not? Every other time, I cried for days, months. Didn’t eat, didn’t sleep. What’s so different about this time? The quote above, that’s it. “

“Letting go doesn’t mean you have to stop loving someone, or that you gave up, it means that you understand that life goes on with or without him/her.” I’m always going to care about him, but I can’t be with him anymore and I’ve finally accepted that. I’m not giving up on him and I haven’t stopped loving him, but I am letting go. I do know that life goes on without him. It was hard doing this. I had to muster up every ounce of courage and strength in me to tell him no. Its been him for the past three years, I was interested in ONE other person the entire three years (yay for Sailors, I’ll be talking about this later on in here, too). Like said above, I went right back to him three times, but I couldn’t do it this time. I finally got the strength in myself to be selfish. I’m not a selfish person. As long as the people I care about are happy, I’ll think everything is ok, even if its killing me inside. Point is, I do love him and do care about him, always will, but its time to move on..and I have. Maybe not 100%, but I’m working on it.


New boyfriend.
Its one of the most difficult things for me to be with someone who drinks. I can put up with smoking, but still don’t like it. I’ve lost a lot in my life, because of alcohol. A lot. The last thing I need in my life is someone I’m in love with, whose a borderline alcoholic. The amount of hate I have for alcohol is enough to overpower the feeling of love. I’ve discovered that no matter how much I love someone, I’ll never 100% accept them for who they are if they drink. That sounds terrible to say, but Ian is proof. I was so in love with that kid, he was my world for three years, I’d do anything for him and everyone knew that (and everyone hated that), but when his drinking became extreme, I couldn’t do it. I could manage being friends with him, but I can’t stay with someone like that. I tried as hard as I could to keep my head up, be accepting, love him for who he was…I just couldn’t. I found myself falling out of love.

Its over now and I’m moving on. I’ve met one of God’s most perfect creations. His name is Matthew and he’s everything I’ve ever prayed for. The hate I have for alcohol, smoking, and drugs…he has, also. The silly faces I make at people, that make them look at me like I’m stupid…he makes back. The drive I have to make the person I’m with the happiest person alive…he shows for me. He pays attention to the little things that make me happy and does them all. He’s made a life for himself and wants me to be a part of it. For once, I’m being supported, not being the supporter. He wants all the same things that I want, which is a huge deal for me. He’s one of the goofiest people I’ve ever met and everything he does makes me smile. He pretends to be a racecar driver when we’re driving around, plays with Marvel action figures, gets his priorities in line and follows it, drinks as much Chai Tea as I do, drives twenty minutes to see me everyday, even if its for no longer than an hour, or just to kiss me goodnight. Come on, he evens freaks out as much as I do when a new superhero movie comes out. Our first date, The Incredible Hulk. Can’t top that. Batman comes out in two weeks, we got matching shirts and are going to be first in line, baby! Honestly, though, he’s like my own superhero. He saved me from ruining myself. I was about ready to settle for something I didn’t truly want. Everyone could see on my face that I didn’t want it, but since I didn’t know anything else, I was going to make everything ok with it. Matthew has proved to me that there is more out there. That there is someone who is going to give back everything I give to them. He’s that person. He’s everything I’ve ever prayed for and I couldn’t ask for more. And as much as I hated my job at Albertsons (which I already quit, by the way), there’s one good thing that came from it: needing black pants as part of my uniform, going to Hot Topic to find them, and meeting Matthew there, cause he works there. Thank God for getting that job, even if I quit a month later.

Old friends.
Since Ian, I’ve reconnected with quite a few people. I was so stupid in that relationship, that I let him control who I was friends with and who I talked to. I rarely ever talked to Ali anymore, because he didn’t like her, and she’s been one of my best friends since the sixth grade. I almost completely stopped talking to Sam, because Ian hated him, and Sam has been there for me more than just about anyone. I entirely stopped talking to Tony, because Ian didn’t like us talking, and Tony was there for me through everything Ian put me through. I stopped talking and hanging out with Eric, because Ian thought it was just unacceptable, and Eric has been there for near four years. I even disconnected with my family. They weren’t fond of Ian for one reason and one reason only, they knew he wasn’t what I ultimately wanted for myself, but I stayed with him. That caused conflict with my family and I because I refused to listen to them and fought to defend everything I thought was right. Luckily, all these people are true friends and love me enough to have accepted my apology. They were there for me more than anyone and I let Ian get in the way of that. So much for love, right? I accepted all of his friends and made them my own, despite the differences between us all, they’re awesome. Its a shame that he couldn’t do the same for me. I’ve learned my lesson. I lost a lot of friends for a stupid reason and I can’t apologize enough. I’ll never be able to make up for it, but I’m fortunate enough for them to still be here for me.

On another part, not my doing, but it adds to old friends and reconnecting – Nate talked to me yesterday for the first time since he left for Virginia. Yeah, you all know that story, so you can only imagine how great of a moment that was for me. Its like, I finally get everything going in the right direction, for once, and more things just start to follow. I finally have back all the friendships I’ve missed for so long and that makes me the happiest person in the world.

I never really realized what I had. I had good friends, good family ties, and I gave it all up because I put all of my faith into something I knew wasn’t going to happen. I’m not saying that I regret being with Ian, or that I don’t care about him, I’m just saying that I let him blind me for far too long. I wish I could have realized these things on my own, but sometimes, you need a superhero to help save the day.

Matthew opened my eyes. Now, I feel refreshed. I feel healthy. I feel happy.