Think About It Sunday, Jun 8 2008

- You pass me on the street and sneer in my direction. You call me “Cracker”, “Honkey”, “Whitey” and even “The Man” and you think it’s ok, but when I call you “Nigger”, “Kike”, “Towelhead”, “Sand-Nigger”, “Dune Coon”, “Camel Jockey”, “Beaner” or “Chink” you call me a racist.
- You say that whites commit a lot of violence against you, so why are the ghettos the most dangerous places to live?
- You say that you want to make a change in this country. How? By protesting everything that we believe in? By trying to change everything that has made this country run fine for centuries?
- You have Martin Luther King Day. You have Cesar Chavez Day. You have Yom Hashoah. You have Cinco de Mayo. You have Ma’uled Al-Nabi. You have BET. If we had WET (white entertainment television) we’d be racists.
- If we had a White Pride Day you would call us racists.
- If we had white history month, we’d be racists.
- In the Million Man March, you believed that you were marching for your race and rights. If we marched for our race and rights, you would call us racists.
- You enjoy the thought of Driver’s Licenses for illegals. We enjoy the thought of people obeying the laws of the land in which they reside. No negotiations.
- You are proud to be black, brown, yellow and orange, and you’re not afraid to announce it, but when we announce our white pride, you call us racists.
- You call each other “niggas”, and in doing that you’re saying its ok and that it doesn’t offend you, but when we say it, its racist.
- You rob us, carjack us, and shoot at us, but, when a white police officer shoots a black gang member or beats up a black drug-dealer running from the law and posing a threat to society, you call him a racist.
- You can have Hispanic clubs and Africans American clubs, but we couldnt even think of starting a white club without there being controversy.”

I am white. I am proud, but, you call me a racist. Why is it that only whites can be racists? Why should white people respect black people, if the black people can’t respect white people? That goes for every other race, also. I don’t get it.

3 Responses »

 

I Hate the Phone Wednesday, Jun 4 2008

but I wish you’d call.

This is one thing I REALLY need to stop dwelling on, its ridiculous. I have a great life, honestly. I could use a new job, but other than that, things are perfect. I can, with my entire heart, say that things have never been better than they have been the past couple months. So, why am I still dwelling on some sailor trapped in Virginia? I can’t answer that, I wish I could. I’d like to know the answer just as much as everyone else. I think it’s because I’m a talker. I can’t have an argument and not talk to the person face to face until its settled. I think the reason I’m still dwelling, is because he left with no words whatsoever and hasn’t said anything since. Friendships are stupid, honestly. Why have someone close to you, better yet, why get so close to someone, who isn’t going to get close back? I think that’s what I meant to say. I have no idea. All I know, is that someone I thought I was very close to and I thought was just as close back, left without a word. I thought I knew him, guess not. Its making me wonder about everything else I think I know. Maybe I don’t really know those things, either? Ugh, time. Time time time, as much as it can bring you up, it can shut you down just as easily. Eew, fuck the Navy.

On the bright side, Ian got his early birthday present from me on Monday. I paid for a five hour session on his sleeve. We came to find that that was too long of a session for him to handle and needless to say, he’s in a lot of pain, haha. It looks awesome, though. Only about an hour left until his sleeve is completely finished. I have tattoo fever, now. No bueno, never is, lol. I get my stomach piece finished on July 19th and I’m super stoked. Anyways, Ian’s birthday isn’t for another month, but I couldn’t wait and I wanted him to have his sleeve as soon as possible. I get too excited about the gifts I get for people, haha. I always end up telling them, or giving it to them early. I need to try and contain myself.

Fuck, I haven’t posted in forever. I think its almost around the two week mark. What a shame. My views, comments, all my stats - have dropped dramatically. I know there are a lot of people who love reading my stuff, sorry guys :/ but, I’m trying to make a comeback. Its not like I don’t have time, I have all the time in the world, lately. I graduated, quit my job, so all I do is sit at home, or sit at Ian’s house. I HAVE THE TIME, why the hell haven’t I posted? Fuck if I know. I’m going to get back on this, though. Full swing like before. Of course, I say that now, but one of two things will probably happen now that I said that - 1) I’ll get a job and not have time anymore or 2) I really won’t, even if I have the time, haha. Ohhhh shit, my arms hurt for some reason.

I did the funniest thing last night. Ok, so I quit Cold Stone about two weeks ago. The owner of the one I worked at owns two other stores in my area. So, last night, I decided to apply to one of the other neighbor stores, that she doesn’t own, lol. Its not that I didn’t like my job, I fucking loved that job, I just couldn’t work that dumb broad anymore. So, that’d be hilarious if I got that job, because I know the store I was working at - went to complete SHIT after I left, its rather entertaining.

Ohhhhh dear, I’m bored and I feel useless.

No Responses »

 

The Danger In Starting A Fire Wednesday, May 14 2008

I noticed that, lately, I’ve been starting most of my blogs with song lyrics…or getting inspired for the blog from song lyrics. Its funny, because generally, the title of the blog is a different song than the lyrics actually in the blog, haha. Anyways, Its because I’ve been at a (bit) of a writer’s block. I’ve needed help striking up thoughts. Its almost pathetic, really. I think a lot, but lately, I can’t put anything into words and my blog has been empty. I’m not diggin’ it too much. I have some thoughts…and here’s my attempt to put something into words…and song lyrics, of course.

It’s Monday morning and I would kill for a chance to drive -
get so far away from here, with you my dear, then I’ll never leave your side.

- I’m so sick of this place. Where I live, where I sleep, where I work, where I walk, talk, think, run, drive, learn, everything and everyone. I live in the kind of place where everyone knows everyone, somehow. Its ridiculous - the amount of people I meet who know someone else I know - from yesterday, two years ago, everyone fucking knows everyone! I can’t get away from all the bullshit I need to get away from. I have way to much of a bullshit past with this bloody place and I just need to get away. Everyone keeps telling me that I’ll miss it here, I’ll miss my family, I’ll miss my friends. Yeah…ok. I’ve left this place plenty of times, I’ve been away from my family plenty of times, and there’s not a huge list of people here that are a good friend to me, they’re more or less just acquaintances that really, I could care less if I ever saw again. Everytime I’ve been away from it all, I was the best I’ve ever been and I absolutely loved it. I don’t like this place, I will go nowhere here. I’ve been to bigger and better places, why would I miss it? My family, sure, I’ll miss them from time to time, but I’m not close enough to them to miss them all the time when I leave. I’d be perfectly content talking every once in awhile and coming back once a year, or so. That’s it. And friends? Ha. There’s two or three that I truly give a shit about here (I can totally see people lurking my page and questioning the entire friendship I “have” with them, now…haha, bring it). And my best friend? She doesn’t even live here. She lives over a thousand miles away. Any other people I consider close friends, don’t live here, either. Really, the only people I give any shit about here anymore is Ian and his best friends, who are like family to me - Drew, Mike, Chaz - these guys are like the big brothers I can actually count on. What big brothers are supposed to be. The ones who actually look out for me (sorry Chris and Kyle, but you’ve never proven anything. I know you’re there, but you’ve never actually been there). I just can’t wait to leave and start MY life, not everyone else’s life. Its such bullshit. I’m done.

Miles away, and I wish this didn’t mean so much to me.

- Why do I continually keep giving a shit about people and things that are miles and miles away from me? People I may never talk to again, things I may never see again. That’s how I live my life, lately, well…kind of always have. I don’t care about the things in front of me, I care about the ones that I only see through pictures. Why do these things mean so much to me? I kind of have an idea, but then again, there’s probably only a few solid, legit things I’ve ever said. My idea, I’m so drawn to the fact that I can almost get out of here. These people and things that already have, are my inspiration. I hang onto them, as if I’m tied to a long rope attached to both myself and these things, and perhaps they’ll pull me out, too, sooner or later. Really, though, if the people mentioned above (the Monday Morning paragraph) didn’t want to or couldn’t leave this place, neither would I. They are the only things that could keep me here. The only things. I mean, I can stay here and make a life and be happy with it, I just know it wouldn’t be the life I’ve dreamt of. But, I guess, who ever really gets the life they dream of? Really, the only things I want are my own family - growing up different than I did - some place new and working a job I’m passionate about. I can’t really work that job and make a life of it where I am, now. And I’m definitely not staying at Cold Stone for the rest of my life, fuck that. If I had to stay, though, I’d be happy anyways as long as it was with people I care about.

We’re getting older and I’ve started to fear for my life.
Is this the way that it should be? This whole thing’s riding on me.
It’s been a long road, so far, with nowhere to turn.
There’s no looking back from here, no more dwelling on my fears.

- I have six days of actual school left. Four and a half if you count the days I actually have to be here. And eight days left if you count all the days in general. So that, and graduation is in fifteen days. Really, I have absolutely no idea what I’m going to do. I’m scared shitless of it, actually. I’m getting older and the older I get, the more scared I get. The more excited, too, but I’m still terrified. I’m not scared because I have no plan, I’m scared because its actually happening. I’m terrified, though. This entire thing - graduating, the real world, starting a life, finding love - its what I’ve been looking forward to for as long as I can remember. Since I was a little kid…its all happening, finally. Its so much closer than I’m prepared for…and I’m absolutely terrified, honestly. I’ve been putting up a front this entire time to everyone - saying I’m not scared, that I’m ready, that I’m excited, that I know what I want to do, everything. That’s such bullshit. I’m scared, I’m not ready, I’m very excited, and I have no idea what I want to do. I mean, wanting to start a life  and move out of this place is one thing, but other than that, I mean I don’t know what I want to do with the rest of my life. I don’t know if I want to go to college, I don’t know what I want to do as a career. I don’t know any of that. Absolutely no idea. I keep bouncing back and forth through ideas and I’m not one to just pick and do it. I have to have a set plan, cause I won’t commit myself to something I’m not 100% sure about. I just can’t do it. Its been such a long, hard road for me. You have no idea. I’ve dealt with some of the biggest bullshit and I’m ready to move on from it. The only reason I’m not scared of any of this, is because I know I’m that much closer to where I want to be, wherever that is. Once I’m done and starting a life, I’ll never look back on any of this. Everyone keeps telling me to live my life, not make plans for a relationship, and that I’ll end up wishing I was back in high school. The thing is, I’m different than most people. You hate black cats, I’m in love with mine. Walking under a ladder gives you bad luck, it gives me good luck. Your hair fries from being dyed too much, mine gets softer. Those are just random…but you get the general point. You love high school and you live for prom, I could give a shit less. I don’t even care about graduation, I just want to be done.

I’m just ready to move on. Grow up some more and get on with it. Start making some legit decisions, the time’s finally calling for it. I’ve put off making decisions for the longest time, and now its catching up with me.

Here we go.

2 Responses »

 

I Hate This Song Monday, Mar 31 2008

Wow, another day.

Wake up to my alarm, turn it off, and sleep another hour, which makes me late…as usual. Force myself out of bed, step on my sister who is sleeping on my floor, and blind myself by turning on the light. Rummage through piles and piles of clothes that I’m too lazy to put away and pull out something that looks like what I wore the million other days of the year. Black and white, if you don’t know what kind of person I am. I usually only wear black and white. Didn’t feel like showering, I did yesterday. I’m over it. Brush my hair, make it look somewhat decent, go downstairs, get poptarts and a water bottle, and head out.

Yay! Good ‘ol Columbia. I hate school, I’m so sick of it. I have to force myself to come. *Fifty nine days until graduation, fifty nine days until graduation, fifty nine days until graduation.* Ugh. I texted Scott to tell him to let the teacher know “I’m working on it”…which means I’m walking as slow as possible, stalling, because I’m already late anyways. Get to class, see Jason, my day just got horrible. It was pretty shitty to start with (as is everyday when I have to wake up at 7am), but now its definitely shitty. I hate it. Plus, I’ve been sick for a week and a half, so being in class, right now…not exactly a thriller. Sick, Jason, back hurts, neck hurts, and bored - most definitely not a good mixture. But, what can you do, I guess.

I don’t know what’s in store for me the rest of the day. More classes (yay!…), work, then Maddi is picking me up early from work. That should improve my mood a bit, I hope. I don’t know, though, she was crying all day yesterday, so it might be a vent session from her to me tonight…probably not a mood bringer-upper.

Scott is texting me, trying to make me feel better, giving me ideas on what to do. I feel so lame today, ugh. Knowing me, I’ll just put on a fake smile and get through this day…until I have this class again and this same process repeats.

I’m hungry, too, what the fuck. Those poptarts did not do justice.

5 Responses »

 

Shit, Shit, and more Shit Saturday, Mar 29 2008

I’ve been extremely irritable the past few days, or past two weeks? Yeah, that’s more like it. This is basically one big FUCK YOU to just about everything that’s pissed me off recently. Whether its happened directly to me, or someone close to me.

Starting at the top, I guess.

What the hell kind of person feeds you lies, upon lies, and makes you feel really good, then completely contradicts themselves? You talk to someone everyday for awhile and things are awesome, then they just stop. From the get-go, this person claims that you’re “not another number on their list” and really make you believe that you’re not, then DAMN, what do you know!? Oh shit, you’re another number. They get what they want and peace out. Not that I’m pointing fingers, or anything, but apparently, I was number sixty-one.

Work, fuck work. Fuck Cold Stone and everything about this place. The people I work for and the people I serve. Seriously, first off, your goddamn six year old DOES NOT need a gotta have it size, its too damn big. Why would you let your kid lick the sneezguards? Are you stupid? They have that name for a reason, I hope your kid gets a disease and starts rotting from the inside out. Don’t order something, then tell me you want a replacement mix-in, AFTER I’ve already put the original in. If you’re going to order more than one of the same thing, tell me at the same time, so I can make them together, ESPECIALLY if it includes peanut butter. Also, don’t be friends with a co-worker who has higher power than you, that’s all I have to say about that. Oh yeah, and fuck your cakes. I’m sick of decorating impossible shit for you and not getting shit in return. You just bought a $30 cake, tip me a dollar at least you stuck up piece of shit. I had to ice my wrist for an hour after finishing a cake order, the bitches didn’t give me shit for it. They took it and left. FUCK YOU, TOO!

DON’T tell someone you love them, then completely contradict everything that the word consists of. Hellooooo, do you know what love is, you shitbag? That doesn’t mean you lay there with someone, tell them you love them, then ignore them for a week (while also being an asshole about everything). What the fuck is that? Figure out what it really means, before you say it.

Make sure you know who you’re talking about, before you talk about them. If you go to strip clubs and decide to talk about how big of whores the girls are to a friend, make sure that friend ISN’T friends with the stripper, first! Actually, fuck that, the proper name is DANCER and don’t talk shit unless you know the story. Did it ever occur to you pussy-driven dickheads that maybe some of those girls don’t even want to dance for your money? Did it ever occure to you that maybe their life is a little bit more complex than yours that they have to dance for your shitbag self to get by? Yeah, exactly. Don’t talk to me about dancers, fuck off.

Dude, people sleep. Don’t constantly text someone bitching because they haven’t texted you back. Hello, dipshit, its 3am, I’d like to sleep and really, as much as I pretend to give a shit, I really don’t care what you have to say, anyways. There’s a few, rare, people that I will wake up to talk to at 3am, and odds are, it isn’t you. Get over it and leave me alone. Oh, also, some of us work, don’t expect instant responses all the fucking time. Chill your shit out and unfuck yourself, then we’ll talk.

Don’t make a promise so someone who cares more about you than life itself, that you’ll do something…then not fucking hold your word. If there’s someone who cares about you so much, they literally make themselves sick over it, don’t promise them you won’t get drunk three or four times a week…then do it three nights in a row. Its called a little respect.

For God’s sake, stop stalking people. If you dated a guy and he has a new girlfriend, don’t think that their business is your business. He moved on, maybe you should, too. Don’t stalk his new girlfriend, seriously. I don’t mean looking at her myspace and seeing who she is, I mean literally, finding EVERYTHING out about this girl and literally going out to find her just to see what she does, where she goes, who she’s with, etc. Its creepy. Stop. I don’t care how in love with this guy you are or were, fucking stop.

Hmm…

6 Responses »