I’m just gonna wing it. Monday, Nov 9 2009

I have so much shit running through my head.

I just had the most interesting of nights. I won’t say exactly what happened, but it was something I’ve never done before and I’m not proud of myself. I don’t regret it by any means, what-so-ever, I just feel super different and I’m not sure how to take it. Things have been changing so much lately, I don’t even know what to do with myself. Its changing me and I’m super scared about it. What happened tonight would have never happened if it weren’t for everything I’ve been going through and it only confuses me more. It makes for the worst situation in the world when the person involved in tonight’s shananigans just happens to be a good friend of one of the following people listed below.

I’ve been on my own since I was seventeen and I was with him the whole time. He’s all I knew. Now, I’m back with my parents, in the town I absolutely hate and I’m alone. It makes me feel better knowing I don’t HAVE to be here, I chose to be, but still. It just sucks. I hate seeing everything I own crammed into one small room knowing I use to be on my own. These use to be in MY home, not my mom’s. The only thing I saw for my future and wanted for my future isn’t there anymore. What the fuck do I do, now? I don’t want to start all the way back over. It scares me. I don’t have a plan in the world.

“Leading a life that is finally free of these endless nights and countless fights that turn us into who we hate to be. And this is so difficult for the both of us. I know we tried so hard, there’s just no hope for us. Well, its more than a shame that we lost to this game. All of my walking, talking, sleeping, breathing…nothing will ever be the same.”

One of my closest friends just admitted to me that he wants to be with me and always has. He said there’s always been something between us and I know he’s right, but I’m terrified of that, too. Last time this kinda/sorta happened, I pretended to like his brother so nothing would happen between us. Then we didn’t talk for over a year. We start talking again and a week later, this happens. He doesn’t hug me like he use to and he doesn’t look at me like he use to. I know he loves me and that scares the shit out of me, because I love him, too.

He always comes running back and I’m always here for it and he always seems to come back in a timely manner and at the best of times, but the worst of times, too. Almost five years, now, and he still loves me. This makes everything harder. He says he’ll change, but he’s said this before. He reminds me of my dad and that terrifies me. Its been nineteen years and I’ve never forgiven my dad. If I can’t forgive the person who gave me life, how can I forgive anyone else who did the same thing? He says it was my fault, too, but it wasn’t. He said I was trying to change him, but I wasn’t. I never once said those words. I said to calm down, don’t do it so much, this isn’t ok. And he’s still the same after all these years. He’s got a lot to prove. It doesn’t matter, I’d still do anything for him.

“How does it feel to know you’re everything I need. The butterflies in my stomach, they could bring me to my knees.“

I’d do anything for people I love and I don’t think that’s a good quality. It makes people feel like what they’re doing or what they’ve done is ok, because I can’t stand my fucking ground. I’m just terrified of hurting people. I don’t want anything with anyone, right now or for awhile, and people keep coming at me. What’s funny is that some of these people are the people who, for the past couple of years, have told me I just need to take time for myself and make myself happy and figure myself out…but now here they are. I’m trying to take their advice, for once, and they’re making it impossible.

Now, point A comes back into the picture. I’ve never just liked someone without having feelings right away. Its a completely different feeling and I can’t say I hate it, but people get jealous. No one knows. It was so good.

“The streets are dark,  my pulse is flatlined as I’m running to you. You sit completely unaware about what I’m about to do. The air is thick with tension, much like when we’re together.”

And him. Oh him. Here we go again. I fall for it every time. I even tell him this time that I didn’t want this to be the only thing keeping us talking and he did it anyways. I don’t know the full story or what is going on, but he’s ignoring me again. Classic. From past experiences, what else am I supposed to think. But I’ll fall for it every time, still.

“You do something to me that I can’t explain. So, would I be out of line if I said…”I miss you.”“

I have to get up early.

Leave a Response »

 

So Much For Holiday Spirit Thursday, Jan 15 2009

I haven’t posted in a very…very long time. But, I also moved and no longer have internet anymore, so get off my back haha.

Anyways…

So Much For Holiday Spirit

In a small city, small enough to where most people know everyone else, but not big enough to have a trolley or a decent taxi system, you’d expect a little more. Let me tell you about my unfortunate events that led up to this particular blog.

Week one. I’m getting ready to leave work, Sarah and I are walking out to the parking lot, like any other day, getting ready to take her home, we get in the car…and no luck starting it. So, we take the first step of getting it started, opened the hood, and saw that my battery was completely covered in acid. My mom, being the clever woman she is, grabbed a can of coke, and poured it on the acid (and to think people actually drink that!). Still didn’t start…so we jump it. We trot down to Les Schwabb and end up having to get a new battery.

Week two, my car breaks down right in front of my client’s house. We try and try and try to get it going, but no such luck. I still don’t know exactly what happened here, but its fixed, now.

Week three, car is fine again, but five minutes after I get on the freeway, my heater stops working? Keep in mind that its winter and when you’re heater isn’t on, your windows fog. So…my windows start fogging super bad and I literally have to pull over on the freeway and wait for them to defog…and drive the rest of the thirty minutes home with a window down, so they didn’t fog again. Heater and air conditioner no longer work. Still don’t.

Week four. I trot downstairs to start my car to get it warmed up before I had to leave for work. I get down there…and it just turns over and over and over, but never starts. So, I did the logical thing and called Matthew down to jump it with his car. No luck? Well, shit. Call in to work and then get my stepdad over to have a look. New fuel filter, go figure.

Week five! Oh goodness. How often is it that someone’s clutch AND transmission go out…in the same day!? What the fuck, right?

So, I was officially out of luck when it came to a car, cause the last one was one thing I definitely couldn’t get fixed. Unless you have about $1000 laying around you’d like to lend me? Didn’t think so. So, the next two weeks were spent finding rides everywhere and sharing Matthew’s car. Keep in mind that we both have two jobs, two of which each of us has to drive thirty minutes to. So a) getting rides…during the winter…isn’t exactly anyone’s cup of tea and b) sharing a car with that much driving takes a shit ton of gas and back and forth action.

Oh, what’s that grandpa? You’ve had an extra car laying around this whole time that I could have been using? Fancy that. I’ve never driven anything older than a 2000…its a 1985 Ford Tempo…oh Jesus. Well, at least its getting me from point a to point b.

So, the point of this blog. During the two weeks I had to find rides everywhere and had to share Matthew’s car…one time, absolutely no one in my phone would give me a ride…and this was the close job, that wasn’t thirty minutes away. This was also the day of the first snow storm of the season. So…like, five inches on the ground and it was still coming down? I walked my happy ass TWO HOURS to work. Its a fifteen minute drive and I was walking…in the snow. Ugh.

So, about holiday spirit? During my tour hour walk, no one person offered me a ride. Not that I would have taken a ride from some random person anyways, but still. Its supposed to be Christmas, so where’s the spirit? I would have at least offered. Not one person. None.

I think Christmas spirit is a joke.

3 Responses »

 

Every Promise You Made Monday, Oct 27 2008

was just another mistake with me. Now, I can barely breathe.

Its amazing how fast things can change.

Leave a Response »

 

On Again Saturday, Oct 25 2008

Well, shit.

I think I’m beginning to come to terms with this whole ordeal.
I guess that’s better then getting upset about it every time.
Its like I almost expect it, now. I should start timing it.

Leave a Response »

 

Nestled. Average. Vulnerable. Yes. Tuesday, Sep 23 2008

There’s that damn word list again. Those words have nothing in common, nor do they describe anything that has anything to do with each other. “Yes” isn’t even an adjective, so that obviously doesn’t describe anything. This is a very important lesson, I’d say. This is time number two that I’ve used that word list. It could be educational if you study the list, it might teach you something and clue you into what I’m about to talk about. Even though I’m going to state my problem, but beat around the bush when it comes to actually saying anything in particular, so you probably wouldn’t know what I’m talking about anyways, even if you understood the word list. Except maybe Scott, he might catch on.

Lets move on with this.

I NEED TO LEARN HOW TO LET THINGS GO! Why am I so fucking disturbed by this peppy sounding thing who continually makes smiley faces with the letter X? What kind of smiley face has an X in it!

Why
Why
Why
Why
Why

Maybe its because the exact reason WE were never this thing, is because of the situation…but THEY are! Either way, why does it bug me so freaking much? And why can’t I just let it go? God, I really need to let this go. Its getting me nowhere. Maybe, it’ll get me somewhere in three years, but whose to say what’s going to happen in three years? Exactly. All I know is that if I’m still here when that three years comes up, something good better happen of it. This is exactly what I’m NOT supposed to be doing, damnit. Not waiting, not even thinking about waiting. That word list didn’t want me to wait, even though I’m still going to, for some UNKNOWN fucking reason, but its perfectly fine for the weird smiley face to wait. No harm in that. Maybe its because I have the heart and so does the word list. It just sucks that only one of us can admit it and keep it on the table. Stupid word list.

I bet.

This blog was really about the relationship between the word list and I and how the stupid smiley face interferes. If you thought there were actual people involved, you’re crazy for believing that there was more to it. I just have an odd relationship with a group of words and an awkward hatred for smiley faces that contain the letter X. Get over it.

Leave a Response »

 

Fuck Straight Edge Thursday, Jun 12 2008

For those of you who are not aware – Straight Edge is a “unity” of people who have made a lifetime commitment (or what is supposed to be a lifetime commitment) to stay away from drugs, alcohol, and promiscuity. You can keep it simple, such as cigarettes, hard drugs, alcohol, and no sex in the absence of a serious relationship. Or, you can take it to the extreme and add in veganism, pro-life beliefs, no caffeine or anything with caffeine (including chocolate), and abstinence.

Like mentioned, this is supposed to be a “unity”, a group of people with one common goal, a family. So, why would they purposely attack other Straight Edge individuals because of their lives? If they broke Edge, then its understandable, but if not…its hypocritical.

I was recently one of these “other” Straight Edge individuals who was purposely attacked simply for the fact that my favourite movie is American History X. I was attacked as being “racist, fashion core, scene trash, a bitch, a liar, shooting indie bullshit out my ass, and someone who should be shot.” I was personally attacked over MYSPACE by multiple people in a Straight Edge group, one of which is a school teacher! They also attacked a person because of his religious beliefs. Wow, right? These coming from the people who are supposed to be “family”? I don’t know what kind of family they run, but mine doesn’t treat their family members this way. My friends are my family, also, and if I were racist, I wouldn’t have African American people as friends, nor openly say, “Hey! I’m racist!” Fuck that.

I took on the term “Straight Edge” as an eight year old child. Yes, that’s possible. I’ve argued this many times in my life. I’m now almost eighteen years old and after ten years, have decided to no longer carry the term. Its a cult, a term for people who can’t run their own lives. Its taken a lot to make me see this, but I’m glad I finally have. I don’t associate with people who are supposed to be family, people who are supposed to be a unity, but turn their back on someone who might be a little different. I don’t float that direction. The Straight Edge scene has proven to me to be hypocritical. Its nothing more than a cult and complete bullshit.

I will not label myself as part of something this abhorrent. I will not define my life by two words. I find it very weak that these people need this term to define themselves and their lives. I’m done and will no longer be apart of it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still going to be poison free and keep these things out of my life, but I won’t label myself. I’m Kari Alliah, and by sticking up for who I am, I now have over 20,000 people who hate me across the world and I couldn’t be more proud of myself, honestly.

23 Responses »

 

Think About It Sunday, Jun 8 2008

- You pass me on the street and sneer in my direction. You call me “Cracker”, “Honkey”, “Whitey” and even “The Man” and you think it’s ok, but when I call you “Nigger”, “Kike”, “Towelhead”, “Sand-Nigger”, “Dune Coon”, “Camel Jockey”, “Beaner” or “Chink” you call me a racist.
- You say that whites commit a lot of violence against you, so why are the ghettos the most dangerous places to live?
- You say that you want to make a change in this country. How? By protesting everything that we believe in? By trying to change everything that has made this country run fine for centuries?
- You have Martin Luther King Day. You have Cesar Chavez Day. You have Yom Hashoah. You have Cinco de Mayo. You have Ma’uled Al-Nabi. You have BET. If we had WET (white entertainment television) we’d be racists.
- If we had a White Pride Day you would call us racists.
- If we had white history month, we’d be racists.
- In the Million Man March, you believed that you were marching for your race and rights. If we marched for our race and rights, you would call us racists.
- You enjoy the thought of Driver’s Licenses for illegals. We enjoy the thought of people obeying the laws of the land in which they reside. No negotiations.
- You are proud to be black, brown, yellow and orange, and you’re not afraid to announce it, but when we announce our white pride, you call us racists.
- You call each other “niggas”, and in doing that you’re saying its ok and that it doesn’t offend you, but when we say it, its racist.
- You rob us, carjack us, and shoot at us, but, when a white police officer shoots a black gang member or beats up a black drug-dealer running from the law and posing a threat to society, you call him a racist.
- You can have Hispanic clubs and Africans American clubs, but we couldnt even think of starting a white club without there being controversy.”

I am white. I am proud, but, you call me a racist. Why is it that only whites can be racists? Why should white people respect black people, if the black people can’t respect white people? That goes for every other race, also. I don’t get it.

4 Responses »

 

This Better Change Someone’s Life Friday, Jun 6 2008

I wrote this almost two years ago. I just found it…and re-read it for the first time (you’ll understand what I mean by that after you read this).

“So, in a nutshell, it has been one of those days and one of those nights. The ones that make you think about everything, but nothing at all. The ones where you want to smile while crying. The ones where that one song makes you cry for hours. The ones where, even if you want to be ok, you still do whatever it is that is making you not ok? Something along those lines. This will probably be as real as I get. I usually think about everything before I do something. Meaning, before I write something and actually let people read it, I make sure it is up to par. I make sure it is in order and makes sense. I make sure there is nothing wrong with it and it is exactly how I feel. Maybe those end up being something the exact opposite? I need to stop thinking so much. I do not live because I constantly think about everything. I never just do anything. I have never been in deep trouble, I have never broken the law, I have never done anything like that. Maybe I need to? I am not saying I am going to be a bad person or anything, but maybe I need to get in trouble. Maybe I need to live for once. That is not really me, though. I do not really know who I am, but who does at sixteen? I want to meet them and add them to my list of comers and goers. I hate when that happens. People simply come into your life and leave it whenever they please. They give you no warning, no signs, they just come and go. I am at a block right now. I hate when that happens. Anywho, like Kendall. She was the best friend I ever had. She was closer to me than anyone ever could have been. One day, she just up and left. Made me feel like I was doing absolutely nothing when I thought I was doing so much. I tried everything I could to help, but it was never enough. I miss the times where her and Katie would dress up and try to scare me. I miss the late night talks we used to have. Our summers together. Those times where she felt like my real sister, when she would live with me for months on end. I miss being able to talk to her about anything when I needed her the most. Coming to now, when I do not have her at all. I think I take a lot of things for granted. I am never happy for the things I do have, I feel so ungrateful for that. Mikeal has a tendency to know exactly how I am feeling, when I have no clue. He said that maybe the things I do not have, are what makes me happy and the things I do have, are what I do not care for. I think he might be right. There is one thing, that one thing that makes me happy, that I do not have. I do not know if I will ever have it again. Maybe I will, but I do not think so. I hope so, but I have a tendency to hope for a lot of things that will never happen. Like, maybe my dad will be a real father someday. Maybe my mom will be able to relax one of these days. Yeah right. I hate when you devote your whole life to someone thinking that things between you will never end, and then they do. Then you feel like an absolute empty hole because you do not really know how to get that life back, no matter how hard you try. There are a few points in my life that have changed my life forever. I mean, they are not your typical everday, random, someone-amazing-came-into-your-life kind of points, but real life-altering points. I hate those points. They all happened so fast, I did not expect them at all and I did not expect the turnouts to be as they were. But, they were and now I feel hopeless, even though I have all the hope in the world. I do not believe in dreams, but I think I believe in people far too much. People are walking, talking, pieces of shit. Honestly. The only thing people are good for is making sure you are aware that you are still alive. They make you feel the best and worst of feelings, its like a pinch that makes sure you can still feel. Or, something along those lines. Jordan just let me know that I am crazy. It is nice to be re-informed of some things every once in awhile. For the first time since I have been writing, I have not gone through and re-read this. That is a huge step up. I have been tempted to, but I have not done it. At least I am making progress in something for once. I am so used to people questioning everything I say because I am so weird, I say odd things sometimes. I met someone a few days ago who does not ever really question anything. He kind of just takes things in as I say them as if they are changing his life or something, or maybe he just does not really care about what I say and is just pretending to? I do not know, either way, I think this kid has changed my life. He let me know, without knowing he has, that you do not always have to question everything in life. Sometimes, you just need to take things as they are. If you question everything, what the hell good is that going to do you? None, really. It will simply hold you back from living. Perhaps this is why I cannot ever live for the future? I am always caught up with the past. Its like, I cannot move on. If there is one thing I know for certain about myself, it is that I cannot move on from anything quickly at all. Its a curse, I tell you. I hate it. You know what else I hate? When you feel something you know you should not be, or maybe you just do not want to feel it, but at the same time, you want to because it is letting you know that you are still alive because it is reminding you that you can still feel. Maybe you just do not want to feel alive, so you try to put those feelings aside, but then you realize that you cannot put them aside, because as much as you hate to admit, you are still alive and that is just the way it is. I am not sure if any of this is making sense to anyone and I do not really think I am sure I know exactly what I have written in this, but I really hope it changes someone’s life. I have always wanted to know if I changed someone’s life, so far, no one has told me anything. I must be a loser. Something that makes me feel like an even bigger loser, is the fact that my nose is runny and I just happen to be wearing my From First To Last sweater and wiping my nose on my sleeve. I feel like the epitome of emo, how cool, right? Anywho, back to Caleb. That kid, I have known him for about a week and he has already changed my life. I do not know if I like the fact that he does not question me, or if I hate it beyond all reason. I love having to explain myself to others, but I hate it when people do not ask things. I believe I am one very large, walking contradiction, eh. It is not very fun. I think I may have repeated myself a few times in this, but oh well, I am going to continue on my winning streak of not re-reading it and fixing anything. I wish I could do this with the letter I was supposed to send Jerold like, three months ago. I refuse to send it to him because I do not think it is good enough. Wow, I really need to live more. I remember living once, and nothing good came from it. Or, maybe it was good? I do not really know. All I know, is that one thing I did in this process, was by far the stupidest thing I have ever done and the one thing I regret. I do not regret anything, except this one thing. My ear is bleeding. How random. I babysat my three month old cousin tonight. It was so frustrating. I could not figure out what I was doing wrong and I almost wanted to cry. It made me realize how much I cannot wait to start a real life, though. One with more frustrations than not being able to pass geometry. One where I have to worry more about feeding a family and less about how my hair looks. This will probably scare my mom. She will probably think I mean I want a baby right now, that is not what I am getting at. Although, that would make me like her. She may be stressed a lot and act like she always has so many things to do, but my mom is the strongest woman I know. She raised three kids on her own by age 21. I think if she did not go through all that, she would not be as strong as she is today. I would love to be that strong, but I do not think I will. I think I take my mom for granted. I do not thank her enough for what she has done. I look at what I have, not thinking it is a lot, but it really is. I feel so ungrateful. I hate it. It brings me down. I think I feel like I need all the answers right now, which, because I do not, I feel depressed a lot because I do not have some things. Its like, I have been in love, I know I have and when I lost that, I felt like I lost my whole world not realizing that I am only sixteen and will more than likely find another. I do not want another, though. I want to be one of those couples that stay together forever with the very first person they fell in love with. I want to know the feeling of never loving someone, but that one person. I would do anything to have that. That is another thing I hope for. I refuse to move on because I do not want another. What if I am forced to move on? I cannot be alone forever, can I? What am I saying, we all leave this world the same way we came in it. Alone and possibly bloody. I could definitely go on and on with this, but frankly, I am tired and my head hurts. Tonight was my first night of parenthood, without actually being the parent and I have to say, I feel for my brother and my sister-in-law. I need sleep. I think I am delirious. I do not even think I spelled that right, but I am over it. If you actually read all this, let me know so I can be sure to tell you how big of a loser you are and that you need to get a life.”

Wow, right? Maybe I’m the one who needs a life. Either way, I was obviously a newly-aged, sixteen year old, with no direction for my life when I wrote this. I’m doing better now, by the way. A lot better. The person I loved, that I thought I’d never get back, yeah, I got him back. We plan on getting married, actually, and starting the family I’ve been dying to have. We still have awhile before we are going to, though. I’ve never been so excited for anything in my entire life. I guess I was right, though, up there – about not being able to move on, because I was stuck on having the picture perfect “marry your high school sweetheart” thing. I didn’t move on, I waited, and here we are. You can’t lose hope for things, don’t listen to anything I said up there. DO NOT lose hope for things, hope is what keeps you afloat. I was a stupid sixteen year old, who was obviously hating the world, when I wrote all that above. Oh! And the friend, Kendall, she came back around. She’s doing a lot better and, for lack of better words, isn’t so stupid and inconsiderate anymore. And Caleb, the kid who inspired me after a week? We’re still friends and he’s still the same. He’s one of the better friends I have and he really did inspire my life. I thank him so much for that.

All in all, I’m a much better person, now. I’ve grown up a lot. I know I don’t need the answers right this moment and I’m perfectly content with that. I absolutely love my life, right now. I honestly can’t say its ever been better. I feel more alive and more happy than ever. I wouldn’t change a thing.

If you take anything from this (if you actually read all of it?) please take the fact that you should never lose hope. Not in yourself, not in your friends, not in love. If you want something, or you want change, you better keep afloat with it. Keep hope and I promise you, it will happen. It may take awhile, but it will be more than worth the wait when it happens. Trust me.

One Response »

 

I Hate the Phone Wednesday, Jun 4 2008

but I wish you’d call.

This is one thing I REALLY need to stop dwelling on, its ridiculous. I have a great life, honestly. I could use a new job, but other than that, things are perfect. I can, with my entire heart, say that things have never been better than they have been the past couple months. So, why am I still dwelling on some sailor trapped in Virginia? I can’t answer that, I wish I could. I’d like to know the answer just as much as everyone else. I think it’s because I’m a talker. I can’t have an argument and not talk to the person face to face until its settled. I think the reason I’m still dwelling, is because he left with no words whatsoever and hasn’t said anything since. Friendships are stupid, honestly. Why have someone close to you, better yet, why get so close to someone, who isn’t going to get close back? I think that’s what I meant to say. I have no idea. All I know, is that someone I thought I was very close to and I thought was just as close back, left without a word. I thought I knew him, guess not. Its making me wonder about everything else I think I know. Maybe I don’t really know those things, either? Ugh, time. Time time time, as much as it can bring you up, it can shut you down just as easily. Eew, fuck the Navy.

On the bright side, Ian got his early birthday present from me on Monday. I paid for a five hour session on his sleeve. We came to find that that was too long of a session for him to handle and needless to say, he’s in a lot of pain, haha. It looks awesome, though. Only about an hour left until his sleeve is completely finished. I have tattoo fever, now. No bueno, never is, lol. I get my stomach piece finished on July 19th and I’m super stoked. Anyways, Ian’s birthday isn’t for another month, but I couldn’t wait and I wanted him to have his sleeve as soon as possible. I get too excited about the gifts I get for people, haha. I always end up telling them, or giving it to them early. I need to try and contain myself.

Fuck, I haven’t posted in forever. I think its almost around the two week mark. What a shame. My views, comments, all my stats – have dropped dramatically. I know there are a lot of people who love reading my stuff, sorry guys :/ but, I’m trying to make a comeback. Its not like I don’t have time, I have all the time in the world, lately. I graduated, quit my job, so all I do is sit at home, or sit at Ian’s house. I HAVE THE TIME, why the hell haven’t I posted? Fuck if I know. I’m going to get back on this, though. Full swing like before. Of course, I say that now, but one of two things will probably happen now that I said that – 1) I’ll get a job and not have time anymore or 2) I really won’t, even if I have the time, haha. Ohhhh shit, my arms hurt for some reason.

I did the funniest thing last night. Ok, so I quit Cold Stone about two weeks ago. The owner of the one I worked at owns two other stores in my area. So, last night, I decided to apply to one of the other neighbor stores, that she doesn’t own, lol. Its not that I didn’t like my job, I fucking loved that job, I just couldn’t work that dumb broad anymore. So, that’d be hilarious if I got that job, because I know the store I was working at – went to complete SHIT after I left, its rather entertaining.

Ohhhhh dear, I’m bored and I feel useless.

One Response »

 

The Danger In Starting A Fire Wednesday, May 14 2008

I noticed that, lately, I’ve been starting most of my blogs with song lyrics…or getting inspired for the blog from song lyrics. Its funny, because generally, the title of the blog is a different song than the lyrics actually in the blog, haha. Anyways, Its because I’ve been at a (bit) of a writer’s block. I’ve needed help striking up thoughts. Its almost pathetic, really. I think a lot, but lately, I can’t put anything into words and my blog has been empty. I’m not diggin’ it too much. I have some thoughts…and here’s my attempt to put something into words…and song lyrics, of course.

It’s Monday morning and I would kill for a chance to drive -
get so far away from here, with you my dear, then I’ll never leave your side.

- I’m so sick of this place. Where I live, where I sleep, where I work, where I walk, talk, think, run, drive, learn, everything and everyone. I live in the kind of place where everyone knows everyone, somehow. Its ridiculous – the amount of people I meet who know someone else I know – from yesterday, two years ago, everyone fucking knows everyone! I can’t get away from all the bullshit I need to get away from. I have way to much of a bullshit past with this bloody place and I just need to get away. Everyone keeps telling me that I’ll miss it here, I’ll miss my family, I’ll miss my friends. Yeah…ok. I’ve left this place plenty of times, I’ve been away from my family plenty of times, and there’s not a huge list of people here that are a good friend to me, they’re more or less just acquaintances that really, I could care less if I ever saw again. Everytime I’ve been away from it all, I was the best I’ve ever been and I absolutely loved it. I don’t like this place, I will go nowhere here. I’ve been to bigger and better places, why would I miss it? My family, sure, I’ll miss them from time to time, but I’m not close enough to them to miss them all the time when I leave. I’d be perfectly content talking every once in awhile and coming back once a year, or so. That’s it. And friends? Ha. There’s two or three that I truly give a shit about here (I can totally see people lurking my page and questioning the entire friendship I “have” with them, now…haha, bring it). And my best friend? She doesn’t even live here. She lives over a thousand miles away. Any other people I consider close friends, don’t live here, either. Really, the only people I give any shit about here anymore is Ian and his best friends, who are like family to me – Drew, Mike, Chaz – these guys are like the big brothers I can actually count on. What big brothers are supposed to be. The ones who actually look out for me (sorry Chris and Kyle, but you’ve never proven anything. I know you’re there, but you’ve never actually been there). I just can’t wait to leave and start MY life, not everyone else’s life. Its such bullshit. I’m done.

Miles away, and I wish this didn’t mean so much to me.

- Why do I continually keep giving a shit about people and things that are miles and miles away from me? People I may never talk to again, things I may never see again. That’s how I live my life, lately, well…kind of always have. I don’t care about the things in front of me, I care about the ones that I only see through pictures. Why do these things mean so much to me? I kind of have an idea, but then again, there’s probably only a few solid, legit things I’ve ever said. My idea, I’m so drawn to the fact that I can almost get out of here. These people and things that already have, are my inspiration. I hang onto them, as if I’m tied to a long rope attached to both myself and these things, and perhaps they’ll pull me out, too, sooner or later. Really, though, if the people mentioned above (the Monday Morning paragraph) didn’t want to or couldn’t leave this place, neither would I. They are the only things that could keep me here. The only things. I mean, I can stay here and make a life and be happy with it, I just know it wouldn’t be the life I’ve dreamt of. But, I guess, who ever really gets the life they dream of? Really, the only things I want are my own family – growing up different than I did – some place new and working a job I’m passionate about. I can’t really work that job and make a life of it where I am, now. And I’m definitely not staying at Cold Stone for the rest of my life, fuck that. If I had to stay, though, I’d be happy anyways as long as it was with people I care about.

We’re getting older and I’ve started to fear for my life.
Is this the way that it should be? This whole thing’s riding on me.
It’s been a long road, so far, with nowhere to turn.
There’s no looking back from here, no more dwelling on my fears.

- I have six days of actual school left. Four and a half if you count the days I actually have to be here. And eight days left if you count all the days in general. So that, and graduation is in fifteen days. Really, I have absolutely no idea what I’m going to do. I’m scared shitless of it, actually. I’m getting older and the older I get, the more scared I get. The more excited, too, but I’m still terrified. I’m not scared because I have no plan, I’m scared because its actually happening. I’m terrified, though. This entire thing – graduating, the real world, starting a life, finding love – its what I’ve been looking forward to for as long as I can remember. Since I was a little kid…its all happening, finally. Its so much closer than I’m prepared for…and I’m absolutely terrified, honestly. I’ve been putting up a front this entire time to everyone – saying I’m not scared, that I’m ready, that I’m excited, that I know what I want to do, everything. That’s such bullshit. I’m scared, I’m not ready, I’m very excited, and I have no idea what I want to do. I mean, wanting to start a life  and move out of this place is one thing, but other than that, I mean I don’t know what I want to do with the rest of my life. I don’t know if I want to go to college, I don’t know what I want to do as a career. I don’t know any of that. Absolutely no idea. I keep bouncing back and forth through ideas and I’m not one to just pick and do it. I have to have a set plan, cause I won’t commit myself to something I’m not 100% sure about. I just can’t do it. Its been such a long, hard road for me. You have no idea. I’ve dealt with some of the biggest bullshit and I’m ready to move on from it. The only reason I’m not scared of any of this, is because I know I’m that much closer to where I want to be, wherever that is. Once I’m done and starting a life, I’ll never look back on any of this. Everyone keeps telling me to live my life, not make plans for a relationship, and that I’ll end up wishing I was back in high school. The thing is, I’m different than most people. You hate black cats, I’m in love with mine. Walking under a ladder gives you bad luck, it gives me good luck. Your hair fries from being dyed too much, mine gets softer. Those are just random…but you get the general point. You love high school and you live for prom, I could give a shit less. I don’t even care about graduation, I just want to be done.

I’m just ready to move on. Grow up some more and get on with it. Start making some legit decisions, the time’s finally calling for it. I’ve put off making decisions for the longest time, and now its catching up with me.

Here we go.

2 Responses »