I wrote this almost two years ago. I just found it…and re-read it for the first time (you’ll understand what I mean by that after you read this).
“So, in a nutshell, it has been one of those days and one of those nights. The ones that make you think about everything, but nothing at all. The ones where you want to smile while crying. The ones where that one song makes you cry for hours. The ones where, even if you want to be ok, you still do whatever it is that is making you not ok? Something along those lines. This will probably be as real as I get. I usually think about everything before I do something. Meaning, before I write something and actually let people read it, I make sure it is up to par. I make sure it is in order and makes sense. I make sure there is nothing wrong with it and it is exactly how I feel. Maybe those end up being something the exact opposite? I need to stop thinking so much. I do not live because I constantly think about everything. I never just do anything. I have never been in deep trouble, I have never broken the law, I have never done anything like that. Maybe I need to? I am not saying I am going to be a bad person or anything, but maybe I need to get in trouble. Maybe I need to live for once. That is not really me, though. I do not really know who I am, but who does at sixteen? I want to meet them and add them to my list of comers and goers. I hate when that happens. People simply come into your life and leave it whenever they please. They give you no warning, no signs, they just come and go. I am at a block right now. I hate when that happens. Anywho, like Kendall. She was the best friend I ever had. She was closer to me than anyone ever could have been. One day, she just up and left. Made me feel like I was doing absolutely nothing when I thought I was doing so much. I tried everything I could to help, but it was never enough. I miss the times where her and Katie would dress up and try to scare me. I miss the late night talks we used to have. Our summers together. Those times where she felt like my real sister, when she would live with me for months on end. I miss being able to talk to her about anything when I needed her the most. Coming to now, when I do not have her at all. I think I take a lot of things for granted. I am never happy for the things I do have, I feel so ungrateful for that. Mikeal has a tendency to know exactly how I am feeling, when I have no clue. He said that maybe the things I do not have, are what makes me happy and the things I do have, are what I do not care for. I think he might be right. There is one thing, that one thing that makes me happy, that I do not have. I do not know if I will ever have it again. Maybe I will, but I do not think so. I hope so, but I have a tendency to hope for a lot of things that will never happen. Like, maybe my dad will be a real father someday. Maybe my mom will be able to relax one of these days. Yeah right. I hate when you devote your whole life to someone thinking that things between you will never end, and then they do. Then you feel like an absolute empty hole because you do not really know how to get that life back, no matter how hard you try. There are a few points in my life that have changed my life forever. I mean, they are not your typical everday, random, someone-amazing-came-into-your-life kind of points, but real life-altering points. I hate those points. They all happened so fast, I did not expect them at all and I did not expect the turnouts to be as they were. But, they were and now I feel hopeless, even though I have all the hope in the world. I do not believe in dreams, but I think I believe in people far too much. People are walking, talking, pieces of shit. Honestly. The only thing people are good for is making sure you are aware that you are still alive. They make you feel the best and worst of feelings, its like a pinch that makes sure you can still feel. Or, something along those lines. Jordan just let me know that I am crazy. It is nice to be re-informed of some things every once in awhile. For the first time since I have been writing, I have not gone through and re-read this. That is a huge step up. I have been tempted to, but I have not done it. At least I am making progress in something for once. I am so used to people questioning everything I say because I am so weird, I say odd things sometimes. I met someone a few days ago who does not ever really question anything. He kind of just takes things in as I say them as if they are changing his life or something, or maybe he just does not really care about what I say and is just pretending to? I do not know, either way, I think this kid has changed my life. He let me know, without knowing he has, that you do not always have to question everything in life. Sometimes, you just need to take things as they are. If you question everything, what the hell good is that going to do you? None, really. It will simply hold you back from living. Perhaps this is why I cannot ever live for the future? I am always caught up with the past. Its like, I cannot move on. If there is one thing I know for certain about myself, it is that I cannot move on from anything quickly at all. Its a curse, I tell you. I hate it. You know what else I hate? When you feel something you know you should not be, or maybe you just do not want to feel it, but at the same time, you want to because it is letting you know that you are still alive because it is reminding you that you can still feel. Maybe you just do not want to feel alive, so you try to put those feelings aside, but then you realize that you cannot put them aside, because as much as you hate to admit, you are still alive and that is just the way it is. I am not sure if any of this is making sense to anyone and I do not really think I am sure I know exactly what I have written in this, but I really hope it changes someone’s life. I have always wanted to know if I changed someone’s life, so far, no one has told me anything. I must be a loser. Something that makes me feel like an even bigger loser, is the fact that my nose is runny and I just happen to be wearing my From First To Last sweater and wiping my nose on my sleeve. I feel like the epitome of emo, how cool, right? Anywho, back to Caleb. That kid, I have known him for about a week and he has already changed my life. I do not know if I like the fact that he does not question me, or if I hate it beyond all reason. I love having to explain myself to others, but I hate it when people do not ask things. I believe I am one very large, walking contradiction, eh. It is not very fun. I think I may have repeated myself a few times in this, but oh well, I am going to continue on my winning streak of not re-reading it and fixing anything. I wish I could do this with the letter I was supposed to send Jerold like, three months ago. I refuse to send it to him because I do not think it is good enough. Wow, I really need to live more. I remember living once, and nothing good came from it. Or, maybe it was good? I do not really know. All I know, is that one thing I did in this process, was by far the stupidest thing I have ever done and the one thing I regret. I do not regret anything, except this one thing. My ear is bleeding. How random. I babysat my three month old cousin tonight. It was so frustrating. I could not figure out what I was doing wrong and I almost wanted to cry. It made me realize how much I cannot wait to start a real life, though. One with more frustrations than not being able to pass geometry. One where I have to worry more about feeding a family and less about how my hair looks. This will probably scare my mom. She will probably think I mean I want a baby right now, that is not what I am getting at. Although, that would make me like her. She may be stressed a lot and act like she always has so many things to do, but my mom is the strongest woman I know. She raised three kids on her own by age 21. I think if she did not go through all that, she would not be as strong as she is today. I would love to be that strong, but I do not think I will. I think I take my mom for granted. I do not thank her enough for what she has done. I look at what I have, not thinking it is a lot, but it really is. I feel so ungrateful. I hate it. It brings me down. I think I feel like I need all the answers right now, which, because I do not, I feel depressed a lot because I do not have some things. Its like, I have been in love, I know I have and when I lost that, I felt like I lost my whole world not realizing that I am only sixteen and will more than likely find another. I do not want another, though. I want to be one of those couples that stay together forever with the very first person they fell in love with. I want to know the feeling of never loving someone, but that one person. I would do anything to have that. That is another thing I hope for. I refuse to move on because I do not want another. What if I am forced to move on? I cannot be alone forever, can I? What am I saying, we all leave this world the same way we came in it. Alone and possibly bloody. I could definitely go on and on with this, but frankly, I am tired and my head hurts. Tonight was my first night of parenthood, without actually being the parent and I have to say, I feel for my brother and my sister-in-law. I need sleep. I think I am delirious. I do not even think I spelled that right, but I am over it. If you actually read all this, let me know so I can be sure to tell you how big of a loser you are and that you need to get a life.”
Wow, right? Maybe I’m the one who needs a life. Either way, I was obviously a newly-aged, sixteen year old, with no direction for my life when I wrote this. I’m doing better now, by the way. A lot better. The person I loved, that I thought I’d never get back, yeah, I got him back. We plan on getting married, actually, and starting the family I’ve been dying to have. We still have awhile before we are going to, though. I’ve never been so excited for anything in my entire life. I guess I was right, though, up there – about not being able to move on, because I was stuck on having the picture perfect “marry your high school sweetheart” thing. I didn’t move on, I waited, and here we are. You can’t lose hope for things, don’t listen to anything I said up there. DO NOT lose hope for things, hope is what keeps you afloat. I was a stupid sixteen year old, who was obviously hating the world, when I wrote all that above. Oh! And the friend, Kendall, she came back around. She’s doing a lot better and, for lack of better words, isn’t so stupid and inconsiderate anymore. And Caleb, the kid who inspired me after a week? We’re still friends and he’s still the same. He’s one of the better friends I have and he really did inspire my life. I thank him so much for that.
All in all, I’m a much better person, now. I’ve grown up a lot. I know I don’t need the answers right this moment and I’m perfectly content with that. I absolutely love my life, right now. I honestly can’t say its ever been better. I feel more alive and more happy than ever. I wouldn’t change a thing.
If you take anything from this (if you actually read all of it?) please take the fact that you should never lose hope. Not in yourself, not in your friends, not in love. If you want something, or you want change, you better keep afloat with it. Keep hope and I promise you, it will happen. It may take awhile, but it will be more than worth the wait when it happens. Trust me.