Here We Go Again Sunday, Aug 30 2009

I told you I knew what I wanted.
I even got it permanently attached to me.

How does it feel to know you’re everything I need?

If you’re a follower of my blog, you’ll know exactly where I’m going with this.

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Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Moe Sunday, Aug 30 2009

The
morning
will
come

In
the
press
of
every
kiss

With
your
head
upon
my
chest

Where
I
will
annoy
you

With
every
waking
breath

Until
you
decide
to
wake
up.

Eenie, meenie, miney, moe.

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Standing on the rooftop, wondering Thursday, Oct 23 2008

is it good? Yeah, it’s good for jumping.

Oh p.s. – he’s off again. Go figure.
I’m beginning to wonder if I trust his promise.

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If You’re A Bird, I’m A Bird Sunday, Oct 5 2008

Would you just stay with me?

Stay with you?
What for?
Look at us, we’re already fighting.

Well, that’s what we do.
We fight.
You tell me when I’m being an arrogant son of a bitch
and I tell you when you’re being a pain in the ass,
which you are, 99% of the time.
I’m not afraid to hurt your feelings.
They have like, a two second rebound rate
and you’re back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing.

So, what?

So it’s not gonna be easy.
It’s gonna be really hard and we’re gonna have to work
at this every day, but I want to do that, because I want you.
I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day.
Will you do something for me?
Please?
Will you just picture your life for me?
Years from now, what’s it look like?
If it’s with that guy, go!
Go!
I lost you once, I think I could do it again,
if I thought it’s what you really wanted,
but don’t you take the easy way out.

What easy way?
There is no easy way,
no matter what I do,
somebody gets hurt.

Would you stop thinking about what everyone wants.
Stop thinking about what I want,
what he wants,
what your parents want.
What do you want?

It’s not that simple.

What do you want?

It’s not…

Goddamnit, what do you want?
.
.
.
.
.
I know what I want and if it takes me seven years to finally stop being too proud to go with it, then I guess I’ll wait seven years. It doens’t matter how perfect something may appear to be, if it doesn’t make you as happy as the things that don’t appear as perfect, there shouldn’t be any hesitation as to which you should choose, because you’ll realize that in the end, that the things that don’t appear as perfect, really are and the things that appear perfect, really aren’t.

How does it feel to know you’re everything I need?

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You and Me and Everyone we Know Wednesday, Sep 24 2008

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Nestled. Average. Vulnerable. Yes. Tuesday, Sep 23 2008

There’s that damn word list again. Those words have nothing in common, nor do they describe anything that has anything to do with each other. “Yes” isn’t even an adjective, so that obviously doesn’t describe anything. This is a very important lesson, I’d say. This is time number two that I’ve used that word list. It could be educational if you study the list, it might teach you something and clue you into what I’m about to talk about. Even though I’m going to state my problem, but beat around the bush when it comes to actually saying anything in particular, so you probably wouldn’t know what I’m talking about anyways, even if you understood the word list. Except maybe Scott, he might catch on.

Lets move on with this.

I NEED TO LEARN HOW TO LET THINGS GO! Why am I so fucking disturbed by this peppy sounding thing who continually makes smiley faces with the letter X? What kind of smiley face has an X in it!

Why
Why
Why
Why
Why

Maybe its because the exact reason WE were never this thing, is because of the situation…but THEY are! Either way, why does it bug me so freaking much? And why can’t I just let it go? God, I really need to let this go. Its getting me nowhere. Maybe, it’ll get me somewhere in three years, but whose to say what’s going to happen in three years? Exactly. All I know is that if I’m still here when that three years comes up, something good better happen of it. This is exactly what I’m NOT supposed to be doing, damnit. Not waiting, not even thinking about waiting. That word list didn’t want me to wait, even though I’m still going to, for some UNKNOWN fucking reason, but its perfectly fine for the weird smiley face to wait. No harm in that. Maybe its because I have the heart and so does the word list. It just sucks that only one of us can admit it and keep it on the table. Stupid word list.

I bet.

This blog was really about the relationship between the word list and I and how the stupid smiley face interferes. If you thought there were actual people involved, you’re crazy for believing that there was more to it. I just have an odd relationship with a group of words and an awkward hatred for smiley faces that contain the letter X. Get over it.

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Simple Question Sunday, Aug 31 2008

Why do good-looking people date ugly people?

I’ve always thought about this. I usually see really really good-looking guys with pretty ugly girls, but I’ve seen some the other way around, as well. I have two theories on this:

1) The guy can accept her for who she is, even if she’s not gorgeous and the plus side is that he can feel good about no other guys trying to steal her, haha.

2) I just happen to catch the ugly ones on a bad day. Like, the other day, I went to visit Matthew at work and I was looking pretty haggard. I had my Earth Crisis hoodie on, unwashed hair, and was makeup-less. I noticed a group of three girls staring at him and giggling, then they saw him kiss me and tell me he loves me and they gave me a disgusting look like, “eew, why is he with her?”

I’m not trying to be cocky, but I feel like I’m pretty damn good-looking. The constant compliments and the line of guys I have trying to be with me kind of justifies that, as well. But, this one day, I just happen to look like one of the ugly girls who is with a really good-looking guy.

I don’t know, its just a thought that I always think about, for some reason.

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Bus Stops, Chai Tea, Downtown, Good Day Saturday, Aug 30 2008

Did I ever tell the story of Matthew and I’s first few days? Well, then.

I had just gotten a job at Albertsons (you all know how that went, haha) and I needed to get black jeans as part of my uniform. I headed to the mall and looked everywhere for some “nice” ones, when I finally gave up and went to Hot Topic to get some that weren’t exactly “corporate” ok, but who cares. So, I walk in and stop instantly, turn to Ali, and whisper “Good God…” She knew exactly what I was talking about and agreed. The most gorgeous person I had ever seen, Matthew, greeted us with a HUGE smile, which totally reeled me in. His smile was, hands down, one of the greatest things I’ve ever seen. It made me melt.

So anyways, I took my sweet time finding jeans, just so I could be around him longer. I finally decided on a pair and told him that I’d be back shortly to get them and he replied with a “You’re leaving!?” and his smile faded. I promised him I’d be back and sure enough, about twenty minutes later, I went back. He got such a goofy smile on when I came back in, it was adorable. So, I grabbed my jeans and took them to the counter. I asked the other guy if they were hiring (not just because Matthew worked there, although that did help, haha) and he said yes, so I asked for an application. He had Matthew look for the application and I didn’t know this until a couple weeks ago, but Matthew acted like he couldn’t find the applications, just so he could talk to me longer. He finally printed one off and it took me about twenty minutes to fill it out, just because we were talking the whole time. One of our first conversations was about how we thought it was stupid that people could say “I love you” after being together for two weeks. This is a vital thing to remember in this story.

So, anyways, out of nowhere he was like, “So…I think I’m gonna go see the Hulk tonight…” I replied with, “Really! I freakin love the Hulk!” He said I could come along, if I wanted to. I really wanted to see the movie and it was the opening night so, of course, I wanted to go. So, I wrote down my number and slid it across the counter to him and told him to call me and let me know the details. SCORE! The funny thing, was that he wasn’t even planning on going to see the movie, haha. He just whipped it out of his head to say something. We ended up going to see it and he casually slipped his hand in mine halfway through. You know that feeling you get, when you get really nautious in the best way possible? Haha, that’s what I felt like. It was an instant connection, one I had never felt before.

That was date one.

Date two was short and sweet. The next day, he picked me up from work and we went to the park. It was dark out and we were swinging, talking, laughing. We got bored of the swings and went to the main playground and went on the slides. He was standing on the little stairs, and I was at the top, so we were level with each other. He held both of my hands and kissed me. One of the most gentle kisses I’ve ever felt. I had known the guy for two days and was already falling in love with him. A few minutes later, we see a cop pull up. Apparently, its against the law to be at a park after 10pm, haha. We had a pretty fun conversation with the guy, though. It was alright.

I spent time with him almost everyday for the next couple weeks and by week three, we hypocritically went against our very first conversation and he told me he loved me and honestly, I said it back. Which is suuuuper weird for me, cause 1) I can’t be around ANYONE as much as I was around him and 2) I don’t get close to people that easily at all, let alone this close. Three months later and we’re still together and I’ve never been this happy in my life. That’s a lot to say after only three months, but it feels like a lifetime and I’m not a stupid person. If there’s anyone in the world who takes too long to process ANYTHING and EVERYTHING – its me. Trust me, I’ve questioned myself, thought long and hard about it and I honestly am happier than I have ever been.

I had a final thinking process about it the other day, which was actually the end of a two day thing, which is actually the inspiration for this entire blog. The first day was last Wednesday. I woke up and got ready for work, like always, and left with my stepdad (we work together). When we got to the center, he didn’t have anything for me to do (he’s also my boss). So, I just told him to drop me off at Matthew’s apartment, since I was going to be spending time with him later on, anyways. So, he did. I was there for about an hour, then got kind of bored, so I went on a walk downtown. For the first time in a long time, I decided to buy something for myself. I ended up buying a few things at Urban Outfitters and then started walking back to the apartment. During that walk, I noticed that I had a sweater on and I wasn’t hot at all, which is freaking fantastic because sweaters are my favourite. The weather was perfect and when the weather is perfect, it puts me in a really good mood, especially if I’m outside. So, I got to thinking as I was walking down the street; the weather was perfect, everyone was outside, everyone was smiling, I had just bought some stuff, I had my chai tea, I was walking back to the apartment, which means I was going to the one place that feels like home to me, to see my most favourite person in the entire world. It seriously felt like nothing could possibly ruin my day and that is one of the greatest feelings you’ll ever feel. What topped it all off? Being there for Matthew to come home to. Its my favourite thing ever. I was taking a nap on the bed and he woke me up by kissing me and telling me he loves me. That’s the best thing in the world to wake up to. It was a perfect day and it really got me thinking about how good life really is.

Day two, the next day, was what really got me thinking. I went to work and my sister and I decided to take the bus. It was my first time riding the city bus, cause I could never figure out how to read the schedule, but I FINALLY figured it out, so we went. We took one bus downtown, where I got the greatest chai I’ve ever had in my life. It was cold out, I was in a sweater, so I got hot chai with whipped cream on top, from Dawson’s. Dawson’s makes the best chai I’ve ever had, but today was especially good. My first hot chai of the season, ahh. We got back on the bus and headed down State Street, where the bus makes a few more stops until we reached our destination. Each and every stop we made, you’d see the regulars get on and smile at everyone. The bus driver says, “Hello, Fred. How are you today?” And Fred smile’s and replies. All the regulars are so friendly and it made me think what a good place the world can be sometimes. Being in that atmosphere made me feel so good about myself and put me in generally fantastic mood.

After we took the bus back downtown, the bus to take us back to the center wasn’t scheduled to arrive for another half an hour, so we got some newspaper and sat on a bench around the corner. It was the perfect morning, no doubt. It was here that really really got me thinking. I started thinking about the bad things in life and how the good things easily cancel them out. I thought about how someone smiling at you instantly puts you in a better mood, even if its only a little better. I thought about how perfect weather and a hot chai can make you forget about the small things in life that upset you. I thought about my past a lot and the things I’ve been through, and it all came back down to Matthew.

Being in the happy atmosphere generally would have made me think about the bad things in my life and how I wanted things to be more like Fred’s life. Happy and smiley. Ever since Matthew came along, I learned how to be happy with everything. Happy with myself, my job, my friends, my family. I learned how much the little things in life really matter. I learned about true love, especially. Not just between two people in a relationship, but between you and the world itself. Before, I wanted to have this life, now I do have it. I don’t make wishes anymore, because wishes, when they don’t come true, only make you doubt. Its better to stop wishing and to start making things happen, he taught me that, too. No one can make wishes come true, the only time they do is when you get lucky and the universe coincidentally makes things happen the way you wished they would. That doesn’t always happen, I’ve learned that first hand.

I was in a pretty dark place before Matthew came along. I didn’t have a whole lot of hope for things and I kind of just took things as they came. There’s been multiple times when I’ve had days like the ones mentioned above, but I ignored everything around me and kept going on my way. I never sat to think about what was really going on around me. When you’re in the dark, you see the dark. It doesn’t matter how much positivity is around you, you’ll still see the dark side of it all. I discovered that when you’re finally content with things and when you finally realize how good life really is, you start seeing the lighter side of things. I’ve seen both ends and I’d much rather be in the light, which is where I finally am. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. My eyes are finally open. I’ve been waiting for this to happen for as long as I can remember and in an instant, one person brought me to it.

So, we can’t be together as much as we’d like and we don’t talk as much as we’d like. It causes a lot of issues in our relationship, a lot. A lot to the point where he’s actually begun to doubt our relationship and we still have four months to go before we can be where we want to be. After an hour and a half long conversation with him this morning, I realized that if things don’t change, I’ll lose him, which is the very last thing in the world that I want. Being in the light of things gives me a lot of hope that we can change things. There’s a lot we can’t do, but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t still things we can do. We both discovered today that there’s nothing either of us won’t do to make things work and that’s a great feeling.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that life is good and that everything is going to be ok, no matter how bad it might get. Aside from true love, this is the greatest feeling I’ve ever felt and both of these feelings just happen to be the cause of one life entering another. One life I don’t ever plan on losing.

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“And Shepherds We Shall Be Monday, Aug 4 2008

For thee, my Lord, for thee.
Power hath descended forth from Thy hand.
Our feet may swiftly carry out Thy commands.
So, we shall flow a river forth to Thee
And teeming with souls shall it ever be.
In Nomeni Patri, Et Filii, Spiritus Sancti.”

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4, 5, 6…you make me sick Monday, Aug 4 2008

Why walk on water, when we’ve got boats?
Watch what you say on the stand.

You’re running in circles.

I know more than you think and your words are empty of all the heavenly hosts!
This will all make sense when the record’s gold.
What’s a few more units for your soul?
You’re wasting my time, while they’re wasting away.

You’ll never, you’ll never save me.

You’ve dropped every line, but they don’t mean a thing.
You’ll never, you’ll never save me.
You live your life in the saddest way I’ve ever seen.

You are the reason I don’t believe.

I’m not denying the worth of things unseen and this isn’t a part of the

next

b i g

thing

I’m just dying to show them all that you are…you are nothing.

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