I’m An Asshole Sunday, Jul 13 2008

For two reasons.

REASON NUMBER ONE

My dad called me, while I was at work. This is how the conversation went:

Me: Hmm…dad. Guess I can answer.
Me: Helloooo (if you know me, you know how that “hello” sounds, haha)
Dad: Where are you?
Me: Uhm…at work, why?
Dad: Albertsons?
Me: No, High Valley, today.
Dad: Oh, you work there, now, too?
Me: Yep, mom finally discovered that I can be 17 and work here, not 18. So…here I am.
Dad: Oh. Are you ok?
Me: Uh…yes. I’m fine, just working. Off in an hour. Why?
Dad: You’re not hurt, or anything, are you? Has anything bad happened, lately?
Me: Dad, what’s going on? I’m fine.
Dad: Just making sure. I had a dream that you disappeared and no one could find you. I thought I lost you.
Me: I’m right here, dad. I’m fine, everything is ok.
Dad: Ok, good. I lost you once and I woke up, scared, thinking that I lost you again.
Me: Nope, I’m still here. Nothing to worry about.
Dad: Ok, that makes me feel better. I love you and I just got scared, so I had to call and make sure you were ok.
Me: Ok………I love you, too.
Dad: I’m going to get back to work, now. You should, too. Call me soon.
Me: Ok, have a good night.
Dad: You too.

That was a couple weeks ago, I haven’t talked to him since. Haven’t called him, like I said I would.

Keep a few things in mind:

1) I didn’t see my dad from age four, to age fifteen. At age fifteen, Ian and I were at Albertsons and I see him behind the butcher’s block. He looks at me…thinking he recognizes me…then I say “Uh…Kelly?” And he finally knows who I am. Weird moment. Since then, the only times I’ve seen him are if I just happen to be at the Albertsons in the next city over, and my brother’s wedding last summer. None for more than 10 minutes.

2) I’ve never heard the words “I love you” from him, nor have I ever said them to him. And he’s never hugged me, nor have I ever tried to hug him. The only thing that has happened, is him putting his arm around my shoulders, for a picture at my brother’s wedding.

3) He chose another girl, over his family. Then betrayed her and the two other kids he had with her, just like he did to us. Only, he stayed with her, because he “can’t handle another divorce”. So, he works all the time and drinks all the time to block out family number two. He chose alcohol over family. We all know how I feel about alcohol, this is your reason why. Congratulations on finally knowing why.

So, why am I an asshole in this sense? After writing all this…I actually don’t know. See, my brother gave up on him a long time ago. Didn’t even invite him to the wedding…I did. I told my dad that he better be there, or I’d give up on him, too (I wouldn’t have, but he showed up, so…) My brother has the capability to give up on him and shut him out, I don’t. I’ve tried, trust me, I’ve tried. My brother thinks its better to not have him there at all, then to have him at his leisure. I’m the exact opposite. I’d rather have him there for a few minutes, every couple months, than not at all. Even though it hurts more, because he constantly lets me down, I’d still rather have him there. For some reason, its impossible for me to give up on my dad and I don’t know why.

This is why I feel like an asshole. My whole life, I’ve tried to do the opposite of him, so that I don’t ever turn out like him. So, by him calling me this time and telling me to “call him soon”, which I agree to, but I didn’t. That makes me like him, in a very tiny portion. I haven’t called him, yet. I left him hanging, just like he’s left everyone in his life hanging. I shouldn’t feel bad, but I do. I should call him.

REASON NUMBER TWO

Scott sent me a message, over myspace, that almost made me cry. This is how that went:

“I really don’t know whats going on between us…is there any friendship left, or what? All the sudden, my brother came into town for one night, we had a few beers, and we hanged out..Is there really something *that bad* about me enjoying myself for one night in such a freakishly harmless way? I’m not a alcoholic, heck, I’ve never had a beer in my life until then..Just because you don’t like something doesn’t mean that you should totally screw over a friendship because of it. I’m sorry that I upset you and I probably shouldn’t of carried on with myself by telling you over & over. But if that’s how you really feel - “We’ll have to see” - over one little thing…Then that’s the most pointless thing to say to me ever because if YOU did something that I didn’t like..I would NEVER put myself in the position of giving up on you..friends are supposed to forgive each other. “I’ll always be here, don’t forget that.” or has that all been a bunch of baloney? In my eyes, nothing has really changed..but you have. I don’t know what it is, but you’ve changed somehow lately and I don’t know how to think of it. I’ve tried to say “Hey Kari, how are you?” to shred all of the drama, but you don’t seem to want to give it a chance. I’m still myself, the same old Scott. I’m sick of all this drama, if you don’t want me to text me, call you, talk to you, message you, or care for you; just tell me. I don’t ever back down on my word, so if you still want to be my friend, you know I’m here. If not, at least give me a real goodbye. We’ve been through a lot of shit, so a goodbye over the phone would be nice.“

That was a couple days ago and I haven’t talked to him about, yet. Haven’t called, texted, or done anything.

Keep a few things in mind:

1) Scott told me he wouldn’t drink. He told me he thought it was gross. He knows my story and why I hate it so much. He knows about all the bullshit I went through with Ian, because of drinking. So, obviously, he told me that he thought it was stupid and wouldn’t ever stoop to that level and that he was there for me. And if he did, he definitely wouldn’t give me the story about it.

2) Scott is one of my best friends. I’ve known him the least out of all my friends, but he’s easily one of the best. That kid can talk me through anything and I tell him everything, even the details he really doesn’t want to know, haha. He’s one of the closest people to me and one of the very few people who keep me sane.

3) He chose to drink and tell me all about it.

So, why do I feel like the asshole in this sense? Well, he drank a few beers with his brother, then decided to tell me all about it - breaking two things he’s told me, right then and there. I told him I really didn’t give a shit about how his night went with his brother and that I could give a shit less about how much he drank and whether he was drunk, or not. After that, I basically stopped talking to him. He tried texting me, and I never replied, until one day. I finally broke loose and let him know how I felt about the situation. But even after we settled things, I still didn’t talk to him. Doesn’t matter how busy I was, whether I lost my phone, or not, but I did have his number. I could have called to say something, but I didn’t. Its like I gave up in him and I don’t even have a legit reason as to why.

This is why I feel like an asshole. I’m to the point where I hate alcohol so much, that I’ll even give up a best friend for having a few, for the first time ever. He’s one of my best friends, for God’s sake. How can I be so selfish to try and give up a best friend for doing something that I hate? Its not like he’s an alcoholic, or that he’s done it since (I actually don’t know if he has, or not). So, why the hell am I acting so stupid about it and ignoring him? I don’t know.

So, all in all, I feel like an asshole and I don’t know if I should, or not. Looking from an outsider’s point of view, I don’t get why I feel like I’m in the wrong. These stories make pretty good sense to me
and these people screwed me over, so why do I feel like the asshole? But then again, if you know me, I’m a very genuine person and an even better friend, so for me to let these things slide as they would have, that would have been a defamation of my character, by my own self and I can’t do that.

That’s why I feel like an asshole.

But I still don’t know how I’ve changed (the line that’s bolded above, in Scott’s message). I’m almost positive that I haven’t changed. I would love to know how.

Oh, and Scott, you spelled “baloney” wrong. It works that way, but technically, its spelled “bologna”. Dork.

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Pick Some Wildflowers Saturday, Jul 5 2008

So hold your head up high and know it’s not the end of the road. Walk down this beaten path before you pack your things and head home. At the end of the road, you’ll find what you’ve been longing for.

One thing I have learned is that it’s more lonely to walk this road of life with a huge group of people, than it is to share it with one person who means the world to you. I’ll save you. Your breath, time, finger muscles and tell you that you won’t compare to him. I care about him so much that I can’t even begin to describe it. He is my best friend and my everything. Every moment spent with him is another moment I truly appreciate life. If you try pulling me away from him, you will see me pulling myself away from you.

Find a wide-open field to frolic in today. Pick some wildflowers and bring them to a vase on your kitchen table. Small things can bring a great deal of sunshine and hope to a stagnant situation. Try your best to clear your mind of unnecessary clutter and open it up for new possibilities to enter.

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Superheroes Saturday, Jul 5 2008

Update, because I’ve been slacking again.
Moving on, because I’ve been held back again.
Heartbreaks, new boyfriend, old friends.

What the hell was my last post? Ahh, ok.

“Don’t hold someone in your heart that you can’t hold in your arms.

Letting go doesn’t mean you have to stop loving someone, or that you gave up,
it means that you understand that life goes on with or without him/her.”

Heartbreaks.
Ian and I broke up, for the last time. Fourth time, last time. Our difference finally got the best of us, he broke up with me, wanted to get back together a week later, and guess what? I said no. That’s right. Little, weak, run-back-to-him-all-the-time me told him no. Who am I kidding? This is the fourth time he’s broken up with me and I’m sick of crying, I’m sick of putting my life on hold waiting for him to come back, I’m sick of allowing the same thing to happen to me over and over again. Granted, I had a huge part in him breaking up with me this time, I’ll admit to that, but still. I finally started trusting the relationship enough to make plans for the future and it blows up in my face. I don’t really make plans, so this was a huge step, and a huge disappointment for me. I cried for one day and was refreshed the next day. Haven’t cried since and its been a few weeks. Why not? Every other time, I cried for days, months. Didn’t eat, didn’t sleep. What’s so different about this time? The quote above, that’s it. “

“Letting go doesn’t mean you have to stop loving someone, or that you gave up, it means that you understand that life goes on with or without him/her.” I’m always going to care about him, but I can’t be with him anymore and I’ve finally accepted that. I’m not giving up on him and I haven’t stopped loving him, but I am letting go. I do know that life goes on without him. It was hard doing this. I had to muster up every ounce of courage and strength in me to tell him no. Its been him for the past three years, I was interested in ONE other person the entire three years (yay for Sailors, I’ll be talking about this later on in here, too). Like said above, I went right back to him three times, but I couldn’t do it this time. I finally got the strength in myself to be selfish. I’m not a selfish person. As long as the people I care about are happy, I’ll think everything is ok, even if its killing me inside. Point is, I do love him and do care about him, always will, but its time to move on..and I have. Maybe not 100%, but I’m working on it.

New boyfriend.
Its one of the most difficult things for me to be with someone who drinks. I can put up with smoking, but still don’t like it. I’ve lost a lot in my life, because of alcohol. A lot. The last thing I need in my life is someone I’m in love with, whose a borderline alcoholic. The amount of hate I have for alcohol is enough to overpower the feeling of love. I’ve discovered that no matter how much I love someone, I’ll never 100% accept them for who they are if they drink. That sounds terrible to say, but Ian is proof. I was so in love with that kid, he was my world for three years, I’d do anything for him and everyone knew that (and everyone hated that), but when his drinking became extreme, I couldn’t do it. I could manage being friends with him, but I can’t stay with someone like that. I tried as hard as I could to keep my head up, be accepting, love him for who he was…I just couldn’t. I found myself falling out of love.

Its over now and I’m moving on. I’ve met one of God’s most perfect creations. His name is Matthew and he’s everything I’ve ever prayed for. The hate I have for alcohol, smoking, and drugs…he has, also. The silly faces I make at people, that make them look at me like I’m stupid…he makes back. The drive I have to make the person I’m with the happiest person alive…he shows for me. He pays attention to the little things that make me happy and does them all. He’s made a life for himself and wants me to be a part of it. For once, I’m being supported, not being the supporter. He wants all the same things that I want, which is a huge deal for me. He’s one of the goofiest people I’ve ever met and everything he does makes me smile. He pretends to be a racecar driver when we’re driving around, plays with Marvel action figures, gets his priorities in line and follows it, drinks as much Chai Tea as I do, drives twenty minutes to see me everyday, even if its for no longer than an hour, or just to kiss me goodnight. Come on, he evens freaks out as much as I do when a new superhero movie comes out. Our first date, The Incredible Hulk. Can’t top that. Batman comes out in two weeks, we got matching shirts and are going to be first in line, baby! Honestly, though, he’s like my own superhero. He saved me from ruining myself. I was about ready to settle for something I didn’t truly want. Everyone could see on my face that I didn’t want it, but since I didn’t know anything else, I was going to make everything ok with it. Matthew has proved to me that there is more out there. That there is someone who is going to give back everything I give to them. He’s that person. He’s everything I’ve ever prayed for and I couldn’t ask for more. And as much as I hated my job at Albertsons (which I already quit, by the way), there’s one good thing that came from it: needing black pants as part of my uniform, going to Hot Topic to find them, and meeting Matthew there, cause he works there. Thank God for getting that job, even if I quit a month later.

Old friends.
Since Ian, I’ve reconnected with quite a few people. I was so stupid in that relationship, that I let him control who I was friends with and who I talked to. I rarely ever talked to Ali anymore, because he didn’t like her, and she’s been one of my best friends since the sixth grade. I almost completely stopped talking to Sam, because Ian hated him, and Sam has been there for me more than just about anyone. I entirely stopped talking to Tony, because Ian didn’t like us talking, and Tony was there for me through everything Ian put me through. I stopped talking and hanging out with Eric, because Ian thought it was just unacceptable, and Eric has been there for near four years. I even disconnected with my family. They weren’t fond of Ian for one reason and one reason only, they knew he wasn’t what I ultimately wanted for myself, but I stayed with him. That caused conflict with my family and I because I refused to listen to them and fought to defend everything I thought was right. Luckily, all these people are true friends and love me enough to have accepted my apology. They were there for me more than anyone and I let Ian get in the way of that. So much for love, right? I accepted all of his friends and made them my own, despite the differences between us all, they’re awesome. Its a shame that he couldn’t do the same for me. I’ve learned my lesson. I lost a lot of friends for a stupid reason and I can’t apologize enough. I’ll never be able to make up for it, but I’m fortunate enough for them to still be here for me.

On another part, not my doing, but it adds to old friends and reconnecting - Nate talked to me yesterday for the first time since he left for Virginia. Yeah, you all know that story, so you can only imagine how great of a moment that was for me. Its like, I finally get everything going in the right direction, for once, and more things just start to follow. I finally have back all the friendships I’ve missed for so long and that makes me the happiest person in the world.

I never really realized what I had. I had good friends, good family ties, and I gave it all up because I put all of my faith into something I knew wasn’t going to happen. I’m not saying that I regret being with Ian, or that I don’t care about him, I’m just saying that I let him blind me for far too long. I wish I could have realized these things on my own, but sometimes, you need a superhero to help save the day.

Matthew opened my eyes. Now, I feel refreshed. I feel healthy. I feel happy.

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So Much Friday, Jun 6 2008

I didn’t know who you were,
but I knew you were worth the wait.

You call me beautiful not because of how I look, but because of how you feel. You kiss me in the middle of crowds to show people that I am yours and only yours. I can always count on you to whisper cute little things in my ear at random moments. You always put your hand out first when we’re walking together. You always know when to call me, so that your voice is the first sound I hear to start to my day. You let me play with your hair whenever I want, and you know I will even if it is greasy and unwashed. You make cute little faces because you know it makes me laugh and you know I’ll kiss you anyways. You always make sure that whenever we’re together, we make every second a memory. You hold my hand, kiss me, and tell me you love me in front of your friends, not worrying about what they’ll say. You give the best hugs and I can always feel the beating of your heart as my head rests against your chest. I always have to get on my tiptoes to kiss you. You respect everything there is about me. We’re always different and do weird things, simply because we can. The way we look at each other lets everyone know we are each other’s everything. No matter what it is you’re doing, you always seem to amaze me. You always make me feel comfortable enough to share my thoughts and feelings with you. You always tell me the truth, even if its not what I want to hear. You’re always yourself around me, even if I dislike some of the things you do.

I could point out all of your flaws and imperfections, but I like much more to look past them and love you for who you are. I love the sense of laying next to you and memorizing the way you breathe, the way you blink, the way you move, the way your heart beats. I wish I could record every moment we’re together and everything we do - every hug, every kiss, every argument, every look, every walk, every touch, everything - and play it all back to you when you feel like you’re not enough. I wish I could prove to you that you are enough. You keep me alive and make me forget that there is a world outside of being in your arms. You make me feel like if I were anywhere with anyone else, something would be missing. I love piecing together the meaning and strength behind every mumble you make when you’re too tired to string together the words you need to form a sentence. You’re always so sure of yourself in my eyes. There is nothing questionable or doubtful about us. We’re not perfect - nor will we ever be perfect - but maybe what we have is more than perfection could bring together. Maybe what we have is past the point of perfection. The love we have for each other’s imperfections makes up for everything. That’s the beauty and truth behind you and I and after all that -

Our hands could have held anything they wanted to,
but they still chose to hold each other.

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From Your Drunken, Dusty Ray Friday, Jun 6 2008

“God save the world, it doesn’t believe me. Fuck the smiles on their faces, because it hurts just to open my eyes. I have to swallow my pride just to breathe, and I don’t care about anyone. I don’t care about this monopoly for life - tell me when to jump and I will. No chance to vindicate my selfish ways back to a feeling a little sane. My father took his steps and he lies in his bed, because he made it and now I’m right next to him, because I don’t think that anything is worth it. This is because I don’t think in the first place.

If I sit alone forever, I won’t hope for anything, because the regret on your lips still stings - its permanent and irrevocable. Kill me as you will and fuck me as you should, but I won’t hope for anything except for nicotine and things that put me here in this position. I’m bringing this world down with me and I hope we all burn in hell together. Its a jealous dance to proclaim what we have become - nothing and everything all at once.”

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10987654321 Friday, Jun 6 2008

10 Random Facts About Me:
1. I laugh or giggle at just about everything.
2. I think most of those things are actually really stupid.
3. I don’t get embarassed easily at all.
4. I don’t ever do my hair or makeup anymore.
5. I touch the left or right side of every door I walk in or out of.
6. I have a New Years Day song stuck in my head.
7. I used to have butt-length blonde hair.
8. My best friend lives 1676 miles away.
9. I graduated a year early, but I’m not that smart.
10. I just ate a bowl of Apple Jacks.

9 Ways To Win My Heart:
1. Give me flowers on a random day, just because.
2. Call me really early and tell me “Good Morning”.
3. Take me to feed ducks and climb trees.
4. Make me butterflies out of dollar bills.
5. Get me plastic rings from Pojos.
6. Take a lot of random pictures with me at the zoo.
7. Argue with me about Meese (Moose).
8. Tell me what I mean to you.
9. Be on the phone with me, not saying anything, and love every second.

8 Random Favourites:
1. Lucky Charms.
2. Wonderwall.
3. A Day To Remember.
4. To Write Love On Her Arms.
5. Body Modification.
6. Meaningful Conversations.
7. Staring at stars from elementary school rooftops.
8. Parking Garages.

7 Memories:
1. Shopping at Fred Meyer with Nathan.
2. The Incredible Hulk with Matthew.
3. The night before Connor left, when we sat on my porch at 1am talking.
4. When I used to be a punk, good times.
5. My graduation.
6. Ian at the park, when he fell in the water trying to jump over it.
7. The first time Ian and I hung out, under the bandshell, big spider, fire, haha.

6 Things That Annoy Me:
1. People who lie to themselves.
2. People who try to sing to songs they don’t know.
3. People who act like they know what they’re talking about.
4. When my dogs scratch at the window, when they want back inside.
5. Alarm clocks, not just because I have to get up, they’re just annoying.
6. The fact that my room is the temperature it is outside.

5 Things I Want To Do Before I Die:
1. See the wonders of the world and discover new ones.
2. Have a family.
3. Make sure everyone I truly love and care about knows.
4. Conquer my fears.
5. Take the longest road trip known to man.

4 Things I’m Afraid Of:
1. Not being able to settle with myself.
2. Being old and alone.
3. Clowns, barbed wire, darkness, daddy long legs.
4. Dying before I’ve had the chance to live.

3 Things I Do Everyday:
1. Eat.
2. Breathe.
3. Sleep.

2 Things I’m Trying Not To Do:
1. Eat when I’m bored, not hungry.
2. Be someone I’m not.

1 Person I Want To See Right Now:
1. My best friend, Chelsea.

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I Hate the Phone Wednesday, Jun 4 2008

but I wish you’d call.

This is one thing I REALLY need to stop dwelling on, its ridiculous. I have a great life, honestly. I could use a new job, but other than that, things are perfect. I can, with my entire heart, say that things have never been better than they have been the past couple months. So, why am I still dwelling on some sailor trapped in Virginia? I can’t answer that, I wish I could. I’d like to know the answer just as much as everyone else. I think it’s because I’m a talker. I can’t have an argument and not talk to the person face to face until its settled. I think the reason I’m still dwelling, is because he left with no words whatsoever and hasn’t said anything since. Friendships are stupid, honestly. Why have someone close to you, better yet, why get so close to someone, who isn’t going to get close back? I think that’s what I meant to say. I have no idea. All I know, is that someone I thought I was very close to and I thought was just as close back, left without a word. I thought I knew him, guess not. Its making me wonder about everything else I think I know. Maybe I don’t really know those things, either? Ugh, time. Time time time, as much as it can bring you up, it can shut you down just as easily. Eew, fuck the Navy.

On the bright side, Ian got his early birthday present from me on Monday. I paid for a five hour session on his sleeve. We came to find that that was too long of a session for him to handle and needless to say, he’s in a lot of pain, haha. It looks awesome, though. Only about an hour left until his sleeve is completely finished. I have tattoo fever, now. No bueno, never is, lol. I get my stomach piece finished on July 19th and I’m super stoked. Anyways, Ian’s birthday isn’t for another month, but I couldn’t wait and I wanted him to have his sleeve as soon as possible. I get too excited about the gifts I get for people, haha. I always end up telling them, or giving it to them early. I need to try and contain myself.

Fuck, I haven’t posted in forever. I think its almost around the two week mark. What a shame. My views, comments, all my stats - have dropped dramatically. I know there are a lot of people who love reading my stuff, sorry guys :/ but, I’m trying to make a comeback. Its not like I don’t have time, I have all the time in the world, lately. I graduated, quit my job, so all I do is sit at home, or sit at Ian’s house. I HAVE THE TIME, why the hell haven’t I posted? Fuck if I know. I’m going to get back on this, though. Full swing like before. Of course, I say that now, but one of two things will probably happen now that I said that - 1) I’ll get a job and not have time anymore or 2) I really won’t, even if I have the time, haha. Ohhhh shit, my arms hurt for some reason.

I did the funniest thing last night. Ok, so I quit Cold Stone about two weeks ago. The owner of the one I worked at owns two other stores in my area. So, last night, I decided to apply to one of the other neighbor stores, that she doesn’t own, lol. Its not that I didn’t like my job, I fucking loved that job, I just couldn’t work that dumb broad anymore. So, that’d be hilarious if I got that job, because I know the store I was working at - went to complete SHIT after I left, its rather entertaining.

Ohhhhh dear, I’m bored and I feel useless.

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So, this is how it feels? Wednesday, May 21 2008

Its the last day of school for me. Not until the summer is over, last day for good. Last day of my senior year in high school. Scott is sitting to my left, writing in my yearbook. George and Seth are to my right, playing games (like that’s anything new). Jason is across the room, ignoring me like he has for the past month and a half. Brandon is behind me, still annoying, I won’t miss that voice at all. All in all…nothing is different right now, its pretty chill. I’m still on wordpress like I have been consecutively for the past three and a half months. Not a whole lot happening.

So, George just made me watch Charlie the Unicorn and I’m pretty sure my IQ dropped at least 50%…at least. And George is totally drawing a picture of the creepy slug looking thing with the santa hat and fake eyelashes in my yearbook…that’s a memory worth remembering, hahahaha…ha…haha…ha! *sticks out tongue* (this is the point in time where Scott and I look like we’re on crack trying to figure out how to spell the sound the annoying unicorns make when they stick they’re tongue out) not working…bluhp!

Bluhp…bluhp bluhp bluhp…bluhp…

BLUHP!

Yep, no more school for me. Damn.

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The Danger In Starting A Fire Wednesday, May 14 2008

I noticed that, lately, I’ve been starting most of my blogs with song lyrics…or getting inspired for the blog from song lyrics. Its funny, because generally, the title of the blog is a different song than the lyrics actually in the blog, haha. Anyways, Its because I’ve been at a (bit) of a writer’s block. I’ve needed help striking up thoughts. Its almost pathetic, really. I think a lot, but lately, I can’t put anything into words and my blog has been empty. I’m not diggin’ it too much. I have some thoughts…and here’s my attempt to put something into words…and song lyrics, of course.

It’s Monday morning and I would kill for a chance to drive -
get so far away from here, with you my dear, then I’ll never leave your side.

- I’m so sick of this place. Where I live, where I sleep, where I work, where I walk, talk, think, run, drive, learn, everything and everyone. I live in the kind of place where everyone knows everyone, somehow. Its ridiculous - the amount of people I meet who know someone else I know - from yesterday, two years ago, everyone fucking knows everyone! I can’t get away from all the bullshit I need to get away from. I have way to much of a bullshit past with this bloody place and I just need to get away. Everyone keeps telling me that I’ll miss it here, I’ll miss my family, I’ll miss my friends. Yeah…ok. I’ve left this place plenty of times, I’ve been away from my family plenty of times, and there’s not a huge list of people here that are a good friend to me, they’re more or less just acquaintances that really, I could care less if I ever saw again. Everytime I’ve been away from it all, I was the best I’ve ever been and I absolutely loved it. I don’t like this place, I will go nowhere here. I’ve been to bigger and better places, why would I miss it? My family, sure, I’ll miss them from time to time, but I’m not close enough to them to miss them all the time when I leave. I’d be perfectly content talking every once in awhile and coming back once a year, or so. That’s it. And friends? Ha. There’s two or three that I truly give a shit about here (I can totally see people lurking my page and questioning the entire friendship I “have” with them, now…haha, bring it). And my best friend? She doesn’t even live here. She lives over a thousand miles away. Any other people I consider close friends, don’t live here, either. Really, the only people I give any shit about here anymore is Ian and his best friends, who are like family to me - Drew, Mike, Chaz - these guys are like the big brothers I can actually count on. What big brothers are supposed to be. The ones who actually look out for me (sorry Chris and Kyle, but you’ve never proven anything. I know you’re there, but you’ve never actually been there). I just can’t wait to leave and start MY life, not everyone else’s life. Its such bullshit. I’m done.

Miles away, and I wish this didn’t mean so much to me.

- Why do I continually keep giving a shit about people and things that are miles and miles away from me? People I may never talk to again, things I may never see again. That’s how I live my life, lately, well…kind of always have. I don’t care about the things in front of me, I care about the ones that I only see through pictures. Why do these things mean so much to me? I kind of have an idea, but then again, there’s probably only a few solid, legit things I’ve ever said. My idea, I’m so drawn to the fact that I can almost get out of here. These people and things that already have, are my inspiration. I hang onto them, as if I’m tied to a long rope attached to both myself and these things, and perhaps they’ll pull me out, too, sooner or later. Really, though, if the people mentioned above (the Monday Morning paragraph) didn’t want to or couldn’t leave this place, neither would I. They are the only things that could keep me here. The only things. I mean, I can stay here and make a life and be happy with it, I just know it wouldn’t be the life I’ve dreamt of. But, I guess, who ever really gets the life they dream of? Really, the only things I want are my own family - growing up different than I did - some place new and working a job I’m passionate about. I can’t really work that job and make a life of it where I am, now. And I’m definitely not staying at Cold Stone for the rest of my life, fuck that. If I had to stay, though, I’d be happy anyways as long as it was with people I care about.

We’re getting older and I’ve started to fear for my life.
Is this the way that it should be? This whole thing’s riding on me.
It’s been a long road, so far, with nowhere to turn.
There’s no looking back from here, no more dwelling on my fears.

- I have six days of actual school left. Four and a half if you count the days I actually have to be here. And eight days left if you count all the days in general. So that, and graduation is in fifteen days. Really, I have absolutely no idea what I’m going to do. I’m scared shitless of it, actually. I’m getting older and the older I get, the more scared I get. The more excited, too, but I’m still terrified. I’m not scared because I have no plan, I’m scared because its actually happening. I’m terrified, though. This entire thing - graduating, the real world, starting a life, finding love - its what I’ve been looking forward to for as long as I can remember. Since I was a little kid…its all happening, finally. Its so much closer than I’m prepared for…and I’m absolutely terrified, honestly. I’ve been putting up a front this entire time to everyone - saying I’m not scared, that I’m ready, that I’m excited, that I know what I want to do, everything. That’s such bullshit. I’m scared, I’m not ready, I’m very excited, and I have no idea what I want to do. I mean, wanting to start a life  and move out of this place is one thing, but other than that, I mean I don’t know what I want to do with the rest of my life. I don’t know if I want to go to college, I don’t know what I want to do as a career. I don’t know any of that. Absolutely no idea. I keep bouncing back and forth through ideas and I’m not one to just pick and do it. I have to have a set plan, cause I won’t commit myself to something I’m not 100% sure about. I just can’t do it. Its been such a long, hard road for me. You have no idea. I’ve dealt with some of the biggest bullshit and I’m ready to move on from it. The only reason I’m not scared of any of this, is because I know I’m that much closer to where I want to be, wherever that is. Once I’m done and starting a life, I’ll never look back on any of this. Everyone keeps telling me to live my life, not make plans for a relationship, and that I’ll end up wishing I was back in high school. The thing is, I’m different than most people. You hate black cats, I’m in love with mine. Walking under a ladder gives you bad luck, it gives me good luck. Your hair fries from being dyed too much, mine gets softer. Those are just random…but you get the general point. You love high school and you live for prom, I could give a shit less. I don’t even care about graduation, I just want to be done.

I’m just ready to move on. Grow up some more and get on with it. Start making some legit decisions, the time’s finally calling for it. I’ve put off making decisions for the longest time, and now its catching up with me.

Here we go.

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You Have Only Been Gone For Ten Days Tuesday, Apr 29 2008

But already, I’m wasting away.

You left me last week and you told me, “Go on
and follow your dreams.” I think about that,
lately, still don’t know what it means, because
you’re what I dream of when I wake alone.
You do something to me that I can’t explain.
So, would I be out of line if I said, “I miss you”?
I know I’ll see you again, whether far or soon,
but I need you to know that I care and I miss you.

You’re what I want and that’s all that I know.

I know the signs are on and I feel this too, but,
none of that ever seems to matter when I’m holding
you…and I’m wasting away, away from you.
I’ve never seen a smile that can light up the room like yours.
It’s simply radiant, I feel more with everyday that goes by.
I watch the clock, so I can make my timing just right -

Would it be okay if I took your breath away?

What have I gotten into this time around?
I know that I had sworn I’d never trust
anyone again, but I didn’t have to…

You had me at hello.

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