I have so much shit running through my head.
I just had the most interesting of nights. I won’t say exactly what happened, but it was something I’ve never done before and I’m not proud of myself. I don’t regret it by any means, what-so-ever, I just feel super different and I’m not sure how to take it. Things have been changing so much lately, I don’t even know what to do with myself. Its changing me and I’m super scared about it. What happened tonight would have never happened if it weren’t for everything I’ve been going through and it only confuses me more. It makes for the worst situation in the world when the person involved in tonight’s shananigans just happens to be a good friend of one of the following people listed below.
I’ve been on my own since I was seventeen and I was with him the whole time. He’s all I knew. Now, I’m back with my parents, in the town I absolutely hate and I’m alone. It makes me feel better knowing I don’t HAVE to be here, I chose to be, but still. It just sucks. I hate seeing everything I own crammed into one small room knowing I use to be on my own. These use to be in MY home, not my mom’s. The only thing I saw for my future and wanted for my future isn’t there anymore. What the fuck do I do, now? I don’t want to start all the way back over. It scares me. I don’t have a plan in the world.
“Leading a life that is finally free of these endless nights and countless fights that turn us into who we hate to be. And this is so difficult for the both of us. I know we tried so hard, there’s just no hope for us. Well, its more than a shame that we lost to this game. All of my walking, talking, sleeping, breathing…nothing will ever be the same.”
One of my closest friends just admitted to me that he wants to be with me and always has. He said there’s always been something between us and I know he’s right, but I’m terrified of that, too. Last time this kinda/sorta happened, I pretended to like his brother so nothing would happen between us. Then we didn’t talk for over a year. We start talking again and a week later, this happens. He doesn’t hug me like he use to and he doesn’t look at me like he use to. I know he loves me and that scares the shit out of me, because I love him, too.
He always comes running back and I’m always here for it and he always seems to come back in a timely manner and at the best of times, but the worst of times, too. Almost five years, now, and he still loves me. This makes everything harder. He says he’ll change, but he’s said this before. He reminds me of my dad and that terrifies me. Its been nineteen years and I’ve never forgiven my dad. If I can’t forgive the person who gave me life, how can I forgive anyone else who did the same thing? He says it was my fault, too, but it wasn’t. He said I was trying to change him, but I wasn’t. I never once said those words. I said to calm down, don’t do it so much, this isn’t ok. And he’s still the same after all these years. He’s got a lot to prove. It doesn’t matter, I’d still do anything for him.
“How does it feel to know you’re everything I need. The butterflies in my stomach, they could bring me to my knees.“
I’d do anything for people I love and I don’t think that’s a good quality. It makes people feel like what they’re doing or what they’ve done is ok, because I can’t stand my fucking ground. I’m just terrified of hurting people. I don’t want anything with anyone, right now or for awhile, and people keep coming at me. What’s funny is that some of these people are the people who, for the past couple of years, have told me I just need to take time for myself and make myself happy and figure myself out…but now here they are. I’m trying to take their advice, for once, and they’re making it impossible.
Now, point A comes back into the picture. I’ve never just liked someone without having feelings right away. Its a completely different feeling and I can’t say I hate it, but people get jealous. No one knows. It was so good.
“The streets are dark, my pulse is flatlined as I’m running to you. You sit completely unaware about what I’m about to do. The air is thick with tension, much like when we’re together.”
And him. Oh him. Here we go again. I fall for it every time. I even tell him this time that I didn’t want this to be the only thing keeping us talking and he did it anyways. I don’t know the full story or what is going on, but he’s ignoring me again. Classic. From past experiences, what else am I supposed to think. But I’ll fall for it every time, still.
“You do something to me that I can’t explain. So, would I be out of line if I said…”I miss you.”“
I have to get up early.
