I’m An Asshole Sunday, Jul 13 2008

For two reasons.

REASON NUMBER ONE

My dad called me, while I was at work. This is how the conversation went:

Me: Hmm…dad. Guess I can answer.
Me: Helloooo (if you know me, you know how that “hello” sounds, haha)
Dad: Where are you?
Me: Uhm…at work, why?
Dad: Albertsons?
Me: No, High Valley, today.
Dad: Oh, you work there, now, too?
Me: Yep, mom finally discovered that I can be 17 and work here, not 18. So…here I am.
Dad: Oh. Are you ok?
Me: Uh…yes. I’m fine, just working. Off in an hour. Why?
Dad: You’re not hurt, or anything, are you? Has anything bad happened, lately?
Me: Dad, what’s going on? I’m fine.
Dad: Just making sure. I had a dream that you disappeared and no one could find you. I thought I lost you.
Me: I’m right here, dad. I’m fine, everything is ok.
Dad: Ok, good. I lost you once and I woke up, scared, thinking that I lost you again.
Me: Nope, I’m still here. Nothing to worry about.
Dad: Ok, that makes me feel better. I love you and I just got scared, so I had to call and make sure you were ok.
Me: Ok………I love you, too.
Dad: I’m going to get back to work, now. You should, too. Call me soon.
Me: Ok, have a good night.
Dad: You too.

That was a couple weeks ago, I haven’t talked to him since. Haven’t called him, like I said I would.

Keep a few things in mind:

1) I didn’t see my dad from age four, to age fifteen. At age fifteen, Ian and I were at Albertsons and I see him behind the butcher’s block. He looks at me…thinking he recognizes me…then I say “Uh…Kelly?” And he finally knows who I am. Weird moment. Since then, the only times I’ve seen him are if I just happen to be at the Albertsons in the next city over, and my brother’s wedding last summer. None for more than 10 minutes.

2) I’ve never heard the words “I love you” from him, nor have I ever said them to him. And he’s never hugged me, nor have I ever tried to hug him. The only thing that has happened, is him putting his arm around my shoulders, for a picture at my brother’s wedding.

3) He chose another girl, over his family. Then betrayed her and the two other kids he had with her, just like he did to us. Only, he stayed with her, because he “can’t handle another divorce”. So, he works all the time and drinks all the time to block out family number two. He chose alcohol over family. We all know how I feel about alcohol, this is your reason why. Congratulations on finally knowing why.

So, why am I an asshole in this sense? After writing all this…I actually don’t know. See, my brother gave up on him a long time ago. Didn’t even invite him to the wedding…I did. I told my dad that he better be there, or I’d give up on him, too (I wouldn’t have, but he showed up, so…) My brother has the capability to give up on him and shut him out, I don’t. I’ve tried, trust me, I’ve tried. My brother thinks its better to not have him there at all, then to have him at his leisure. I’m the exact opposite. I’d rather have him there for a few minutes, every couple months, than not at all. Even though it hurts more, because he constantly lets me down, I’d still rather have him there. For some reason, its impossible for me to give up on my dad and I don’t know why.

This is why I feel like an asshole. My whole life, I’ve tried to do the opposite of him, so that I don’t ever turn out like him. So, by him calling me this time and telling me to “call him soon”, which I agree to, but I didn’t. That makes me like him, in a very tiny portion. I haven’t called him, yet. I left him hanging, just like he’s left everyone in his life hanging. I shouldn’t feel bad, but I do. I should call him.

REASON NUMBER TWO

Scott sent me a message, over myspace, that almost made me cry. This is how that went:

“I really don’t know whats going on between us…is there any friendship left, or what? All the sudden, my brother came into town for one night, we had a few beers, and we hanged out..Is there really something *that bad* about me enjoying myself for one night in such a freakishly harmless way? I’m not a alcoholic, heck, I’ve never had a beer in my life until then..Just because you don’t like something doesn’t mean that you should totally screw over a friendship because of it. I’m sorry that I upset you and I probably shouldn’t of carried on with myself by telling you over & over. But if that’s how you really feel - “We’ll have to see” - over one little thing…Then that’s the most pointless thing to say to me ever because if YOU did something that I didn’t like..I would NEVER put myself in the position of giving up on you..friends are supposed to forgive each other. “I’ll always be here, don’t forget that.” or has that all been a bunch of baloney? In my eyes, nothing has really changed..but you have. I don’t know what it is, but you’ve changed somehow lately and I don’t know how to think of it. I’ve tried to say “Hey Kari, how are you?” to shred all of the drama, but you don’t seem to want to give it a chance. I’m still myself, the same old Scott. I’m sick of all this drama, if you don’t want me to text me, call you, talk to you, message you, or care for you; just tell me. I don’t ever back down on my word, so if you still want to be my friend, you know I’m here. If not, at least give me a real goodbye. We’ve been through a lot of shit, so a goodbye over the phone would be nice.“

That was a couple days ago and I haven’t talked to him about, yet. Haven’t called, texted, or done anything.

Keep a few things in mind:

1) Scott told me he wouldn’t drink. He told me he thought it was gross. He knows my story and why I hate it so much. He knows about all the bullshit I went through with Ian, because of drinking. So, obviously, he told me that he thought it was stupid and wouldn’t ever stoop to that level and that he was there for me. And if he did, he definitely wouldn’t give me the story about it.

2) Scott is one of my best friends. I’ve known him the least out of all my friends, but he’s easily one of the best. That kid can talk me through anything and I tell him everything, even the details he really doesn’t want to know, haha. He’s one of the closest people to me and one of the very few people who keep me sane.

3) He chose to drink and tell me all about it.

So, why do I feel like the asshole in this sense? Well, he drank a few beers with his brother, then decided to tell me all about it - breaking two things he’s told me, right then and there. I told him I really didn’t give a shit about how his night went with his brother and that I could give a shit less about how much he drank and whether he was drunk, or not. After that, I basically stopped talking to him. He tried texting me, and I never replied, until one day. I finally broke loose and let him know how I felt about the situation. But even after we settled things, I still didn’t talk to him. Doesn’t matter how busy I was, whether I lost my phone, or not, but I did have his number. I could have called to say something, but I didn’t. Its like I gave up in him and I don’t even have a legit reason as to why.

This is why I feel like an asshole. I’m to the point where I hate alcohol so much, that I’ll even give up a best friend for having a few, for the first time ever. He’s one of my best friends, for God’s sake. How can I be so selfish to try and give up a best friend for doing something that I hate? Its not like he’s an alcoholic, or that he’s done it since (I actually don’t know if he has, or not). So, why the hell am I acting so stupid about it and ignoring him? I don’t know.

So, all in all, I feel like an asshole and I don’t know if I should, or not. Looking from an outsider’s point of view, I don’t get why I feel like I’m in the wrong. These stories make pretty good sense to me
and these people screwed me over, so why do I feel like the asshole? But then again, if you know me, I’m a very genuine person and an even better friend, so for me to let these things slide as they would have, that would have been a defamation of my character, by my own self and I can’t do that.

That’s why I feel like an asshole.

But I still don’t know how I’ve changed (the line that’s bolded above, in Scott’s message). I’m almost positive that I haven’t changed. I would love to know how.

Oh, and Scott, you spelled “baloney” wrong. It works that way, but technically, its spelled “bologna”. Dork.

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Superheroes Saturday, Jul 5 2008

Update, because I’ve been slacking again.
Moving on, because I’ve been held back again.
Heartbreaks, new boyfriend, old friends.

What the hell was my last post? Ahh, ok.

“Don’t hold someone in your heart that you can’t hold in your arms.

Letting go doesn’t mean you have to stop loving someone, or that you gave up,
it means that you understand that life goes on with or without him/her.”

Heartbreaks.
Ian and I broke up, for the last time. Fourth time, last time. Our difference finally got the best of us, he broke up with me, wanted to get back together a week later, and guess what? I said no. That’s right. Little, weak, run-back-to-him-all-the-time me told him no. Who am I kidding? This is the fourth time he’s broken up with me and I’m sick of crying, I’m sick of putting my life on hold waiting for him to come back, I’m sick of allowing the same thing to happen to me over and over again. Granted, I had a huge part in him breaking up with me this time, I’ll admit to that, but still. I finally started trusting the relationship enough to make plans for the future and it blows up in my face. I don’t really make plans, so this was a huge step, and a huge disappointment for me. I cried for one day and was refreshed the next day. Haven’t cried since and its been a few weeks. Why not? Every other time, I cried for days, months. Didn’t eat, didn’t sleep. What’s so different about this time? The quote above, that’s it. “

“Letting go doesn’t mean you have to stop loving someone, or that you gave up, it means that you understand that life goes on with or without him/her.” I’m always going to care about him, but I can’t be with him anymore and I’ve finally accepted that. I’m not giving up on him and I haven’t stopped loving him, but I am letting go. I do know that life goes on without him. It was hard doing this. I had to muster up every ounce of courage and strength in me to tell him no. Its been him for the past three years, I was interested in ONE other person the entire three years (yay for Sailors, I’ll be talking about this later on in here, too). Like said above, I went right back to him three times, but I couldn’t do it this time. I finally got the strength in myself to be selfish. I’m not a selfish person. As long as the people I care about are happy, I’ll think everything is ok, even if its killing me inside. Point is, I do love him and do care about him, always will, but its time to move on..and I have. Maybe not 100%, but I’m working on it.

New boyfriend.
Its one of the most difficult things for me to be with someone who drinks. I can put up with smoking, but still don’t like it. I’ve lost a lot in my life, because of alcohol. A lot. The last thing I need in my life is someone I’m in love with, whose a borderline alcoholic. The amount of hate I have for alcohol is enough to overpower the feeling of love. I’ve discovered that no matter how much I love someone, I’ll never 100% accept them for who they are if they drink. That sounds terrible to say, but Ian is proof. I was so in love with that kid, he was my world for three years, I’d do anything for him and everyone knew that (and everyone hated that), but when his drinking became extreme, I couldn’t do it. I could manage being friends with him, but I can’t stay with someone like that. I tried as hard as I could to keep my head up, be accepting, love him for who he was…I just couldn’t. I found myself falling out of love.

Its over now and I’m moving on. I’ve met one of God’s most perfect creations. His name is Matthew and he’s everything I’ve ever prayed for. The hate I have for alcohol, smoking, and drugs…he has, also. The silly faces I make at people, that make them look at me like I’m stupid…he makes back. The drive I have to make the person I’m with the happiest person alive…he shows for me. He pays attention to the little things that make me happy and does them all. He’s made a life for himself and wants me to be a part of it. For once, I’m being supported, not being the supporter. He wants all the same things that I want, which is a huge deal for me. He’s one of the goofiest people I’ve ever met and everything he does makes me smile. He pretends to be a racecar driver when we’re driving around, plays with Marvel action figures, gets his priorities in line and follows it, drinks as much Chai Tea as I do, drives twenty minutes to see me everyday, even if its for no longer than an hour, or just to kiss me goodnight. Come on, he evens freaks out as much as I do when a new superhero movie comes out. Our first date, The Incredible Hulk. Can’t top that. Batman comes out in two weeks, we got matching shirts and are going to be first in line, baby! Honestly, though, he’s like my own superhero. He saved me from ruining myself. I was about ready to settle for something I didn’t truly want. Everyone could see on my face that I didn’t want it, but since I didn’t know anything else, I was going to make everything ok with it. Matthew has proved to me that there is more out there. That there is someone who is going to give back everything I give to them. He’s that person. He’s everything I’ve ever prayed for and I couldn’t ask for more. And as much as I hated my job at Albertsons (which I already quit, by the way), there’s one good thing that came from it: needing black pants as part of my uniform, going to Hot Topic to find them, and meeting Matthew there, cause he works there. Thank God for getting that job, even if I quit a month later.

Old friends.
Since Ian, I’ve reconnected with quite a few people. I was so stupid in that relationship, that I let him control who I was friends with and who I talked to. I rarely ever talked to Ali anymore, because he didn’t like her, and she’s been one of my best friends since the sixth grade. I almost completely stopped talking to Sam, because Ian hated him, and Sam has been there for me more than just about anyone. I entirely stopped talking to Tony, because Ian didn’t like us talking, and Tony was there for me through everything Ian put me through. I stopped talking and hanging out with Eric, because Ian thought it was just unacceptable, and Eric has been there for near four years. I even disconnected with my family. They weren’t fond of Ian for one reason and one reason only, they knew he wasn’t what I ultimately wanted for myself, but I stayed with him. That caused conflict with my family and I because I refused to listen to them and fought to defend everything I thought was right. Luckily, all these people are true friends and love me enough to have accepted my apology. They were there for me more than anyone and I let Ian get in the way of that. So much for love, right? I accepted all of his friends and made them my own, despite the differences between us all, they’re awesome. Its a shame that he couldn’t do the same for me. I’ve learned my lesson. I lost a lot of friends for a stupid reason and I can’t apologize enough. I’ll never be able to make up for it, but I’m fortunate enough for them to still be here for me.

On another part, not my doing, but it adds to old friends and reconnecting - Nate talked to me yesterday for the first time since he left for Virginia. Yeah, you all know that story, so you can only imagine how great of a moment that was for me. Its like, I finally get everything going in the right direction, for once, and more things just start to follow. I finally have back all the friendships I’ve missed for so long and that makes me the happiest person in the world.

I never really realized what I had. I had good friends, good family ties, and I gave it all up because I put all of my faith into something I knew wasn’t going to happen. I’m not saying that I regret being with Ian, or that I don’t care about him, I’m just saying that I let him blind me for far too long. I wish I could have realized these things on my own, but sometimes, you need a superhero to help save the day.

Matthew opened my eyes. Now, I feel refreshed. I feel healthy. I feel happy.

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So Much Friday, Jun 6 2008

I didn’t know who you were,
but I knew you were worth the wait.

You call me beautiful not because of how I look, but because of how you feel. You kiss me in the middle of crowds to show people that I am yours and only yours. I can always count on you to whisper cute little things in my ear at random moments. You always put your hand out first when we’re walking together. You always know when to call me, so that your voice is the first sound I hear to start to my day. You let me play with your hair whenever I want, and you know I will even if it is greasy and unwashed. You make cute little faces because you know it makes me laugh and you know I’ll kiss you anyways. You always make sure that whenever we’re together, we make every second a memory. You hold my hand, kiss me, and tell me you love me in front of your friends, not worrying about what they’ll say. You give the best hugs and I can always feel the beating of your heart as my head rests against your chest. I always have to get on my tiptoes to kiss you. You respect everything there is about me. We’re always different and do weird things, simply because we can. The way we look at each other lets everyone know we are each other’s everything. No matter what it is you’re doing, you always seem to amaze me. You always make me feel comfortable enough to share my thoughts and feelings with you. You always tell me the truth, even if its not what I want to hear. You’re always yourself around me, even if I dislike some of the things you do.

I could point out all of your flaws and imperfections, but I like much more to look past them and love you for who you are. I love the sense of laying next to you and memorizing the way you breathe, the way you blink, the way you move, the way your heart beats. I wish I could record every moment we’re together and everything we do - every hug, every kiss, every argument, every look, every walk, every touch, everything - and play it all back to you when you feel like you’re not enough. I wish I could prove to you that you are enough. You keep me alive and make me forget that there is a world outside of being in your arms. You make me feel like if I were anywhere with anyone else, something would be missing. I love piecing together the meaning and strength behind every mumble you make when you’re too tired to string together the words you need to form a sentence. You’re always so sure of yourself in my eyes. There is nothing questionable or doubtful about us. We’re not perfect - nor will we ever be perfect - but maybe what we have is more than perfection could bring together. Maybe what we have is past the point of perfection. The love we have for each other’s imperfections makes up for everything. That’s the beauty and truth behind you and I and after all that -

Our hands could have held anything they wanted to,
but they still chose to hold each other.

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I Hate the Phone Wednesday, Jun 4 2008

but I wish you’d call.

This is one thing I REALLY need to stop dwelling on, its ridiculous. I have a great life, honestly. I could use a new job, but other than that, things are perfect. I can, with my entire heart, say that things have never been better than they have been the past couple months. So, why am I still dwelling on some sailor trapped in Virginia? I can’t answer that, I wish I could. I’d like to know the answer just as much as everyone else. I think it’s because I’m a talker. I can’t have an argument and not talk to the person face to face until its settled. I think the reason I’m still dwelling, is because he left with no words whatsoever and hasn’t said anything since. Friendships are stupid, honestly. Why have someone close to you, better yet, why get so close to someone, who isn’t going to get close back? I think that’s what I meant to say. I have no idea. All I know, is that someone I thought I was very close to and I thought was just as close back, left without a word. I thought I knew him, guess not. Its making me wonder about everything else I think I know. Maybe I don’t really know those things, either? Ugh, time. Time time time, as much as it can bring you up, it can shut you down just as easily. Eew, fuck the Navy.

On the bright side, Ian got his early birthday present from me on Monday. I paid for a five hour session on his sleeve. We came to find that that was too long of a session for him to handle and needless to say, he’s in a lot of pain, haha. It looks awesome, though. Only about an hour left until his sleeve is completely finished. I have tattoo fever, now. No bueno, never is, lol. I get my stomach piece finished on July 19th and I’m super stoked. Anyways, Ian’s birthday isn’t for another month, but I couldn’t wait and I wanted him to have his sleeve as soon as possible. I get too excited about the gifts I get for people, haha. I always end up telling them, or giving it to them early. I need to try and contain myself.

Fuck, I haven’t posted in forever. I think its almost around the two week mark. What a shame. My views, comments, all my stats - have dropped dramatically. I know there are a lot of people who love reading my stuff, sorry guys :/ but, I’m trying to make a comeback. Its not like I don’t have time, I have all the time in the world, lately. I graduated, quit my job, so all I do is sit at home, or sit at Ian’s house. I HAVE THE TIME, why the hell haven’t I posted? Fuck if I know. I’m going to get back on this, though. Full swing like before. Of course, I say that now, but one of two things will probably happen now that I said that - 1) I’ll get a job and not have time anymore or 2) I really won’t, even if I have the time, haha. Ohhhh shit, my arms hurt for some reason.

I did the funniest thing last night. Ok, so I quit Cold Stone about two weeks ago. The owner of the one I worked at owns two other stores in my area. So, last night, I decided to apply to one of the other neighbor stores, that she doesn’t own, lol. Its not that I didn’t like my job, I fucking loved that job, I just couldn’t work that dumb broad anymore. So, that’d be hilarious if I got that job, because I know the store I was working at - went to complete SHIT after I left, its rather entertaining.

Ohhhhh dear, I’m bored and I feel useless.

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So, this is how it feels? Wednesday, May 21 2008

Its the last day of school for me. Not until the summer is over, last day for good. Last day of my senior year in high school. Scott is sitting to my left, writing in my yearbook. George and Seth are to my right, playing games (like that’s anything new). Jason is across the room, ignoring me like he has for the past month and a half. Brandon is behind me, still annoying, I won’t miss that voice at all. All in all…nothing is different right now, its pretty chill. I’m still on wordpress like I have been consecutively for the past three and a half months. Not a whole lot happening.

So, George just made me watch Charlie the Unicorn and I’m pretty sure my IQ dropped at least 50%…at least. And George is totally drawing a picture of the creepy slug looking thing with the santa hat and fake eyelashes in my yearbook…that’s a memory worth remembering, hahahaha…ha…haha…ha! *sticks out tongue* (this is the point in time where Scott and I look like we’re on crack trying to figure out how to spell the sound the annoying unicorns make when they stick they’re tongue out) not working…bluhp!

Bluhp…bluhp bluhp bluhp…bluhp…

BLUHP!

Yep, no more school for me. Damn.

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Heaven’s Not A Place That You Go When You Die Wednesday, May 7 2008

There’s three, count ‘em - three - children playing on the beach.
They were eager to learn, to be taught, and to teach.

There’s Veronica;
she’s biting her lip as she watches the waves turn white at the tip.

There’s Vaida;
radiating with joy, and luckily she still can’t stand the sight of a boy.

And lastly, there’s Dade;
his hair dances in the wind, and he’s wondering what love is and why it has to end.

He can’t understand how everyone goes on breathing when true love ends.
His mother whispers quietly;

“Heaven’s not a place that you go when you die.
It’s that moment in life when you actually feel alive.”

So live for the moment.
Take this advice, live by every word, love is just a hoax,
so forget anything that you have heard and live for the moment, now.

 

 

There’s three, count ‘em - three - children growing on the beach.
They were eager to learn, to be taught, and to teach.

There’s Veronica;
she’s licking her lips, as she waits for her real, first passionate kiss.

There’s Vaida;
she can’t admit her jealousy of her sister, Veronica, and how she’s so pretty.

And lastly there’s Dade;
still sitting on the dock, he ponders his life, and he skips his rocks and he wonders when his father will return, but he’s not coming back.

He can’t understand how everyone goes on breathing when true love ends.
His mother whispers quietly;

“Heaven’s not a place that you go when you die.
It’s that moment in life when you actually feel alive.”

So live for the moment.
Take this advice, live by every word, love is just a hoax,
so forget everything that you have heard.

 

 

There’s three, count ‘em - three - children missing from the beach.
They were eager to learn, to be taught, and to teach.

But the sad thing is that they never lived passed the age of fifteen,
due to neglect from their mother, who was bed ridden by her ex-lover, their father.
She didn’t even notice, or pay much attention as the tide came in and swept her
three into the ocean. Now all her advice, it seems useless.

Well,

Heaven’s not a place that you go when you die.
It’s that moment in life when you touch her and you feel alive.

So live for the moment.
Take this advice, live by every word, love’s completely real, 
so forget anything that you have heard and live for the moment, now.

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Keep Driving Saturday, May 3 2008

That little speck of pixels, holding the guitar, on that small stage, surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of people at The Great Salt Air…I use to be friends with him. His name is John Allred, you might know him as a musician, as just Allred. If not, why the hell are you reading this, right now? Go download something and listen to him. He was one of those people who wanted to play music his entire life. He was going to make it, whether it killed him, or not. Most people call it quits when they discover they can’t get signed within the first try. Johnny didn’t quit. He started off with an amazing first album called Some Place New, which I have one of the few original copies of. He’s up to six incredible albums and the seventh comes out May 9th. That little speck of pixels up there, he use to be bigger than that, playing for as much people as that front row of hundreds. He made it and I could not be more proud of anyone I’ve ever known.

It just goes to show that dreams, goals, plans - they can come true. You just have to put in a little more than some elbow grease to get there. Some commitment, some passion, some work harder than you’ve ever worked. You can’t get there in a week, you have to be passion enough to devote your life to it. I look up to anyone and everyone whose ever done something like this. Those people are the real heroes.

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Ten Dolla Bill Sunday, Apr 27 2008

I need to stop jumping to conclusions. I’ve found myself doing that more than usual, lately. It hit me yesterday at work, when I got a ten dollar tip.

I was working alone from five to six, which is the period of time between when the opening shift manager leaves, I come on, and the first crew member comes on. We weren’t busy…at all. I had three customers that entire hour. My story is about two of them, it was an odd looking couple. The girl looked twelve, was around four feet, ten inches tall, and weighed probably ninety pounds. The guy had to be at least six feet tall and easily over two hundred and fifty pounds. They didn’t look clean, well-kept, and not to stereotype, but they didn’t look like they had a whole lot of money, either. They were the nicest people ever, though. Struck up a good conversation and kept a smile on my face. The girl got a like it size of plain banana ice cream and the guy got a gotta have it size of cheesecake ice cream with cherries mixed in. Not a hard order, whatsoever. I’ve handled a group of thirty people, by myself, with no tip before.

So, we get to the register to ring the couple up and they’re total comes to seven dollars and fifty two cents. I slide their debit card, hand them the slip to sign, check the tip after they hand it back so I can key it in, and notice ten dollars, for a total of seventeen dollars and fifty two cents. I was thinking, “Nah, they probably meant one dollar”, so I asked the guy, “Oh, this is a ten dollar tip, are you sure about that?” He just smiled and they walked out the door.

Jumping to conclusions, when this couple walked in, I was thinking, “Oh man, another dollar tip. Four more and I can get Subway.” What if these people were loaded and just don’t let it effect how they were before the money? No one would ever know. Maybe they’re just nice people. Maybe they don’t have the money, but love making people smile. You don’t know, I don’t know, but these people honestly changed my perspective.

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Yashanti Friday, Apr 18 2008

Gone are the days of selling my integrity.
Paid for like delicate wall paintings.
I realized that my hands were
always found empty when God asked.
I wrapped this world around my head
and choked on my tears as I layed in bed.
Smothered underneath sheets of dread,

I kept you somewhere there.

Gone are the days when I swallowed my words,
Letting them crack my ribs to keep from being heard,
While I devoured spoiled thoughts and prayed for the worst.

I was better off dead.

I sulk away when the sun awakes.
For it places my mistakes on brilliant display
And how deep grows this painful shame
That latches in me like roots.
From here till dirt which is not much further,

I will refuse to remember you.

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Only Accept It Wednesday, Apr 2 2008

Jump back to the moment your wet heels hit the floor like a thunderclap; you came racing toward me. My eyes were tiny beads of the blackest pearl. My fear erased itself and I quickly jumped to the instance you flung my bedroom door open. The white water running from your tear ducts, making every bone in my body tremble with a faint, undeniable, weakness. Jump to opening my eyes, raising my head, ties, ties, ties. My harmony sewn together, seam by seam. This suit, slowly choking my every memory of your diseased body, into the nothingness that I prayed would never become of you.

Just remember that your memory could never haunt a single night of my life. Every memory of you, as scant as they are, empties my heart of every painful, delicately misplaced emotion. Leaving my bones tingling with nothing, except the taste of the cool breeze that surrounded you. As we, the few regarded as “lucky“, attempted to find any tear in the seams of our skin to pull each inch of our hearts to give to you. Just remember that I will hear your words each night as my restless body tortures the earth in search of the comfort that you always brought. Memorizing blankets, faces, and songs. Lullabies for the weak and the weaker.

I memorized tastes that you gave me, so those lifeless hands could finally rest. In harmony, I would leave everything in their memorized place, but I will always forget and leave you to creep back upon me.

And so, we must jump to the stories ending.

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