I have so much shit running through my head.

I just had the most interesting of nights. I won’t say exactly what happened, but it was something I’ve never done before and I’m not proud of myself. I don’t regret it by any means, what-so-ever, I just feel super different and I’m not sure how to take it. Things have been changing so much lately, I don’t even know what to do with myself. Its changing me and I’m super scared about it. What happened tonight would have never happened if it weren’t for everything I’ve been going through and it only confuses me more. It makes for the worst situation in the world when the person involved in tonight’s shananigans just happens to be a good friend of one of the following people listed below.

I’ve been on my own since I was seventeen and I was with him the whole time. He’s all I knew. Now, I’m back with my parents, in the town I absolutely hate and I’m alone. It makes me feel better knowing I don’t HAVE to be here, I chose to be, but still. It just sucks. I hate seeing everything I own crammed into one small room knowing I use to be on my own. These use to be in MY home, not my mom’s. The only thing I saw for my future and wanted for my future isn’t there anymore. What the fuck do I do, now? I don’t want to start all the way back over. It scares me. I don’t have a plan in the world.

“Leading a life that is finally free of these endless nights and countless fights that turn us into who we hate to be. And this is so difficult for the both of us. I know we tried so hard, there’s just no hope for us. Well, its more than a shame that we lost to this game. All of my walking, talking, sleeping, breathing…nothing will ever be the same.”

One of my closest friends just admitted to me that he wants to be with me and always has. He said there’s always been something between us and I know he’s right, but I’m terrified of that, too. Last time this kinda/sorta happened, I pretended to like his brother so nothing would happen between us. Then we didn’t talk for over a year. We start talking again and a week later, this happens. He doesn’t hug me like he use to and he doesn’t look at me like he use to. I know he loves me and that scares the shit out of me, because I love him, too.

He always comes running back and I’m always here for it and he always seems to come back in a timely manner and at the best of times, but the worst of times, too. Almost five years, now, and he still loves me. This makes everything harder. He says he’ll change, but he’s said this before. He reminds me of my dad and that terrifies me. Its been nineteen years and I’ve never forgiven my dad. If I can’t forgive the person who gave me life, how can I forgive anyone else who did the same thing? He says it was my fault, too, but it wasn’t. He said I was trying to change him, but I wasn’t. I never once said those words. I said to calm down, don’t do it so much, this isn’t ok. And he’s still the same after all these years. He’s got a lot to prove. It doesn’t matter, I’d still do anything for him.

“How does it feel to know you’re everything I need. The butterflies in my stomach, they could bring me to my knees.“

I’d do anything for people I love and I don’t think that’s a good quality. It makes people feel like what they’re doing or what they’ve done is ok, because I can’t stand my fucking ground. I’m just terrified of hurting people. I don’t want anything with anyone, right now or for awhile, and people keep coming at me. What’s funny is that some of these people are the people who, for the past couple of years, have told me I just need to take time for myself and make myself happy and figure myself out…but now here they are. I’m trying to take their advice, for once, and they’re making it impossible.

Now, point A comes back into the picture. I’ve never just liked someone without having feelings right away. Its a completely different feeling and I can’t say I hate it, but people get jealous. No one knows. It was so good.

“The streets are dark,  my pulse is flatlined as I’m running to you. You sit completely unaware about what I’m about to do. The air is thick with tension, much like when we’re together.”

And him. Oh him. Here we go again. I fall for it every time. I even tell him this time that I didn’t want this to be the only thing keeping us talking and he did it anyways. I don’t know the full story or what is going on, but he’s ignoring me again. Classic. From past experiences, what else am I supposed to think. But I’ll fall for it every time, still.

“You do something to me that I can’t explain. So, would I be out of line if I said…”I miss you.”“

I have to get up early.

I told you I knew what I wanted.
I even got it permanently attached to me.

How does it feel to know you’re everything I need?

If you’re a follower of my blog, you’ll know exactly where I’m going with this.

The
morning
will
come

In
the
press
of
every
kiss

With
your
head
upon
my
chest

Where
I
will
annoy
you

With
every
waking
breath

Until
you
decide
to
wake
up.

Eenie, meenie, miney, moe.

I haven’t posted in a very…very long time. But, I also moved and no longer have internet anymore, so get off my back haha.

Anyways…

So Much For Holiday Spirit

In a small city, small enough to where most people know everyone else, but not big enough to have a trolley or a decent taxi system, you’d expect a little more. Let me tell you about my unfortunate events that led up to this particular blog.

Week one. I’m getting ready to leave work, Sarah and I are walking out to the parking lot, like any other day, getting ready to take her home, we get in the car…and no luck starting it. So, we take the first step of getting it started, opened the hood, and saw that my battery was completely covered in acid. My mom, being the clever woman she is, grabbed a can of coke, and poured it on the acid (and to think people actually drink that!). Still didn’t start…so we jump it. We trot down to Les Schwabb and end up having to get a new battery.

Week two, my car breaks down right in front of my client’s house. We try and try and try to get it going, but no such luck. I still don’t know exactly what happened here, but its fixed, now.

Week three, car is fine again, but five minutes after I get on the freeway, my heater stops working? Keep in mind that its winter and when you’re heater isn’t on, your windows fog. So…my windows start fogging super bad and I literally have to pull over on the freeway and wait for them to defog…and drive the rest of the thirty minutes home with a window down, so they didn’t fog again. Heater and air conditioner no longer work. Still don’t.

Week four. I trot downstairs to start my car to get it warmed up before I had to leave for work. I get down there…and it just turns over and over and over, but never starts. So, I did the logical thing and called Matthew down to jump it with his car. No luck? Well, shit. Call in to work and then get my stepdad over to have a look. New fuel filter, go figure.

Week five! Oh goodness. How often is it that someone’s clutch AND transmission go out…in the same day!? What the fuck, right?

So, I was officially out of luck when it came to a car, cause the last one was one thing I definitely couldn’t get fixed. Unless you have about $1000 laying around you’d like to lend me? Didn’t think so. So, the next two weeks were spent finding rides everywhere and sharing Matthew’s car. Keep in mind that we both have two jobs, two of which each of us has to drive thirty minutes to. So a) getting rides…during the winter…isn’t exactly anyone’s cup of tea and b) sharing a car with that much driving takes a shit ton of gas and back and forth action.

Oh, what’s that grandpa? You’ve had an extra car laying around this whole time that I could have been using? Fancy that. I’ve never driven anything older than a 2000…its a 1985 Ford Tempo…oh Jesus. Well, at least its getting me from point a to point b.

So, the point of this blog. During the two weeks I had to find rides everywhere and had to share Matthew’s car…one time, absolutely no one in my phone would give me a ride…and this was the close job, that wasn’t thirty minutes away. This was also the day of the first snow storm of the season. So…like, five inches on the ground and it was still coming down? I walked my happy ass TWO HOURS to work. Its a fifteen minute drive and I was walking…in the snow. Ugh.

So, about holiday spirit? During my tour hour walk, no one person offered me a ride. Not that I would have taken a ride from some random person anyways, but still. Its supposed to be Christmas, so where’s the spirit? I would have at least offered. Not one person. None.

I think Christmas spirit is a joke.

was just another mistake with me. Now, I can barely breathe.

Its amazing how fast things can change.

but I’m never broken down.“

I think one of my top five favourite things in the world is when Matthew sings along to Less Than Jake, specifically to the song “City of Gainesville.” And he does all his little hand movements to it…

“Livin’ in the three-five-twooo.“

As often as he drives, we at least try to make it fun. I like it best when we rock it to ska in the car and pretend we’re playing trombones. It makes me smile.

Ooooh, and “Dave’s Shiny New Rap” by Big D and the Kids Table, I love when he sings along to that one, too. Its probably the cutest thing in the world.

“I just realized that I left my favourite cap at the club last night,
which is tickin’ me right off cause I’ve had that cap since I was real real small.“

Ahh, the simple things that make me love life and where I’m at.

Well, shit.

I think I’m beginning to come to terms with this whole ordeal.
I guess that’s better then getting upset about it every time.
Its like I almost expect it, now. I should start timing it.

is it good? Yeah, it’s good for jumping.

Oh p.s. – he’s off again. Go figure.
I’m beginning to wonder if I trust his promise.

I smiled a much larger smile than usual, today…twice.

#1:
The text I got at 9am, as I pulled up to work this morning. I was dreading work today and I was getting out of the car when I received the text. I wasn’t expecting it at all, but then again, he always seems to know when to text me the perfect words at the perfect time.

#2:
Those books that you’ve read, you will read again, after enough time passes. You’ll remember some names, but not how they end, after enough time passes. Your heart will break all over again, after enough time passes – and so on and so forth…and seeing his smile at the exact same time.

Would you just stay with me?

Stay with you?
What for?
Look at us, we’re already fighting.

Well, that’s what we do.
We fight.
You tell me when I’m being an arrogant son of a bitch
and I tell you when you’re being a pain in the ass,
which you are, 99% of the time.
I’m not afraid to hurt your feelings.
They have like, a two second rebound rate
and you’re back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing.

So, what?

So it’s not gonna be easy.
It’s gonna be really hard and we’re gonna have to work
at this every day, but I want to do that, because I want you.
I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day.
Will you do something for me?
Please?
Will you just picture your life for me?
Years from now, what’s it look like?
If it’s with that guy, go!
Go!
I lost you once, I think I could do it again,
if I thought it’s what you really wanted,
but don’t you take the easy way out.

What easy way?
There is no easy way,
no matter what I do,
somebody gets hurt.

Would you stop thinking about what everyone wants.
Stop thinking about what I want,
what he wants,
what your parents want.
What do you want?

It’s not that simple.

What do you want?

It’s not…

Goddamnit, what do you want?
.
.
.
.
.
I know what I want and if it takes me seven years to finally stop being too proud to go with it, then I guess I’ll wait seven years. It doens’t matter how perfect something may appear to be, if it doesn’t make you as happy as the things that don’t appear as perfect, there shouldn’t be any hesitation as to which you should choose, because you’ll realize that in the end, that the things that don’t appear as perfect, really are and the things that appear perfect, really aren’t.

How does it feel to know you’re everything I need?