So, this is how it feels? Wednesday, May 21 2008

Its the last day of school for me. Not until the summer is over, last day for good. Last day of my senior year in high school. Scott is sitting to my left, writing in my yearbook. George and Seth are to my right, playing games (like that’s anything new). Jason is across the room, ignoring me like he has for the past month and a half. Brandon is behind me, still annoying, I won’t miss that voice at all. All in all…nothing is different right now, its pretty chill. I’m still on wordpress like I have been consecutively for the past three and a half months. Not a whole lot happening.

So, George just made me watch Charlie the Unicorn and I’m pretty sure my IQ dropped at least 50%…at least. And George is totally drawing a picture of the creepy slug looking thing with the santa hat and fake eyelashes in my yearbook…that’s a memory worth remembering, hahahaha…ha…haha…ha! *sticks out tongue* (this is the point in time where Scott and I look like we’re on crack trying to figure out how to spell the sound the annoying unicorns make when they stick they’re tongue out) not working…bluhp!

Bluhp…bluhp bluhp bluhp…bluhp…

BLUHP!

Yep, no more school for me. Damn.

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The Danger In Starting A Fire Wednesday, May 14 2008

I noticed that, lately, I’ve been starting most of my blogs with song lyrics…or getting inspired for the blog from song lyrics. Its funny, because generally, the title of the blog is a different song than the lyrics actually in the blog, haha. Anyways, Its because I’ve been at a (bit) of a writer’s block. I’ve needed help striking up thoughts. Its almost pathetic, really. I think a lot, but lately, I can’t put anything into words and my blog has been empty. I’m not diggin’ it too much. I have some thoughts…and here’s my attempt to put something into words…and song lyrics, of course.

It’s Monday morning and I would kill for a chance to drive -
get so far away from here, with you my dear, then I’ll never leave your side.

- I’m so sick of this place. Where I live, where I sleep, where I work, where I walk, talk, think, run, drive, learn, everything and everyone. I live in the kind of place where everyone knows everyone, somehow. Its ridiculous - the amount of people I meet who know someone else I know - from yesterday, two years ago, everyone fucking knows everyone! I can’t get away from all the bullshit I need to get away from. I have way to much of a bullshit past with this bloody place and I just need to get away. Everyone keeps telling me that I’ll miss it here, I’ll miss my family, I’ll miss my friends. Yeah…ok. I’ve left this place plenty of times, I’ve been away from my family plenty of times, and there’s not a huge list of people here that are a good friend to me, they’re more or less just acquaintances that really, I could care less if I ever saw again. Everytime I’ve been away from it all, I was the best I’ve ever been and I absolutely loved it. I don’t like this place, I will go nowhere here. I’ve been to bigger and better places, why would I miss it? My family, sure, I’ll miss them from time to time, but I’m not close enough to them to miss them all the time when I leave. I’d be perfectly content talking every once in awhile and coming back once a year, or so. That’s it. And friends? Ha. There’s two or three that I truly give a shit about here (I can totally see people lurking my page and questioning the entire friendship I “have” with them, now…haha, bring it). And my best friend? She doesn’t even live here. She lives over a thousand miles away. Any other people I consider close friends, don’t live here, either. Really, the only people I give any shit about here anymore is Ian and his best friends, who are like family to me - Drew, Mike, Chaz - these guys are like the big brothers I can actually count on. What big brothers are supposed to be. The ones who actually look out for me (sorry Chris and Kyle, but you’ve never proven anything. I know you’re there, but you’ve never actually been there). I just can’t wait to leave and start MY life, not everyone else’s life. Its such bullshit. I’m done.

Miles away, and I wish this didn’t mean so much to me.

- Why do I continually keep giving a shit about people and things that are miles and miles away from me? People I may never talk to again, things I may never see again. That’s how I live my life, lately, well…kind of always have. I don’t care about the things in front of me, I care about the ones that I only see through pictures. Why do these things mean so much to me? I kind of have an idea, but then again, there’s probably only a few solid, legit things I’ve ever said. My idea, I’m so drawn to the fact that I can almost get out of here. These people and things that already have, are my inspiration. I hang onto them, as if I’m tied to a long rope attached to both myself and these things, and perhaps they’ll pull me out, too, sooner or later. Really, though, if the people mentioned above (the Monday Morning paragraph) didn’t want to or couldn’t leave this place, neither would I. They are the only things that could keep me here. The only things. I mean, I can stay here and make a life and be happy with it, I just know it wouldn’t be the life I’ve dreamt of. But, I guess, who ever really gets the life they dream of? Really, the only things I want are my own family - growing up different than I did - some place new and working a job I’m passionate about. I can’t really work that job and make a life of it where I am, now. And I’m definitely not staying at Cold Stone for the rest of my life, fuck that. If I had to stay, though, I’d be happy anyways as long as it was with people I care about.

We’re getting older and I’ve started to fear for my life.
Is this the way that it should be? This whole thing’s riding on me.
It’s been a long road, so far, with nowhere to turn.
There’s no looking back from here, no more dwelling on my fears.

- I have six days of actual school left. Four and a half if you count the days I actually have to be here. And eight days left if you count all the days in general. So that, and graduation is in fifteen days. Really, I have absolutely no idea what I’m going to do. I’m scared shitless of it, actually. I’m getting older and the older I get, the more scared I get. The more excited, too, but I’m still terrified. I’m not scared because I have no plan, I’m scared because its actually happening. I’m terrified, though. This entire thing - graduating, the real world, starting a life, finding love - its what I’ve been looking forward to for as long as I can remember. Since I was a little kid…its all happening, finally. Its so much closer than I’m prepared for…and I’m absolutely terrified, honestly. I’ve been putting up a front this entire time to everyone - saying I’m not scared, that I’m ready, that I’m excited, that I know what I want to do, everything. That’s such bullshit. I’m scared, I’m not ready, I’m very excited, and I have no idea what I want to do. I mean, wanting to start a life  and move out of this place is one thing, but other than that, I mean I don’t know what I want to do with the rest of my life. I don’t know if I want to go to college, I don’t know what I want to do as a career. I don’t know any of that. Absolutely no idea. I keep bouncing back and forth through ideas and I’m not one to just pick and do it. I have to have a set plan, cause I won’t commit myself to something I’m not 100% sure about. I just can’t do it. Its been such a long, hard road for me. You have no idea. I’ve dealt with some of the biggest bullshit and I’m ready to move on from it. The only reason I’m not scared of any of this, is because I know I’m that much closer to where I want to be, wherever that is. Once I’m done and starting a life, I’ll never look back on any of this. Everyone keeps telling me to live my life, not make plans for a relationship, and that I’ll end up wishing I was back in high school. The thing is, I’m different than most people. You hate black cats, I’m in love with mine. Walking under a ladder gives you bad luck, it gives me good luck. Your hair fries from being dyed too much, mine gets softer. Those are just random…but you get the general point. You love high school and you live for prom, I could give a shit less. I don’t even care about graduation, I just want to be done.

I’m just ready to move on. Grow up some more and get on with it. Start making some legit decisions, the time’s finally calling for it. I’ve put off making decisions for the longest time, and now its catching up with me.

Here we go.

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Heaven’s Not A Place That You Go When You Die Wednesday, May 7 2008

There’s three, count ‘em - three - children playing on the beach.
They were eager to learn, to be taught, and to teach.

There’s Veronica;
she’s biting her lip as she watches the waves turn white at the tip.

There’s Vaida;
radiating with joy, and luckily she still can’t stand the sight of a boy.

And lastly, there’s Dade;
his hair dances in the wind, and he’s wondering what love is and why it has to end.

He can’t understand how everyone goes on breathing when true love ends.
His mother whispers quietly;

“Heaven’s not a place that you go when you die.
It’s that moment in life when you actually feel alive.”

So live for the moment.
Take this advice, live by every word, love is just a hoax,
so forget anything that you have heard and live for the moment, now.

 

 

There’s three, count ‘em - three - children growing on the beach.
They were eager to learn, to be taught, and to teach.

There’s Veronica;
she’s licking her lips, as she waits for her real, first passionate kiss.

There’s Vaida;
she can’t admit her jealousy of her sister, Veronica, and how she’s so pretty.

And lastly there’s Dade;
still sitting on the dock, he ponders his life, and he skips his rocks and he wonders when his father will return, but he’s not coming back.

He can’t understand how everyone goes on breathing when true love ends.
His mother whispers quietly;

“Heaven’s not a place that you go when you die.
It’s that moment in life when you actually feel alive.”

So live for the moment.
Take this advice, live by every word, love is just a hoax,
so forget everything that you have heard.

 

 

There’s three, count ‘em - three - children missing from the beach.
They were eager to learn, to be taught, and to teach.

But the sad thing is that they never lived passed the age of fifteen,
due to neglect from their mother, who was bed ridden by her ex-lover, their father.
She didn’t even notice, or pay much attention as the tide came in and swept her
three into the ocean. Now all her advice, it seems useless.

Well,

Heaven’s not a place that you go when you die.
It’s that moment in life when you touch her and you feel alive.

So live for the moment.
Take this advice, live by every word, love’s completely real, 
so forget anything that you have heard and live for the moment, now.

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Keep Driving Saturday, May 3 2008

That little speck of pixels, holding the guitar, on that small stage, surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of people at The Great Salt Air…I use to be friends with him. His name is John Allred, you might know him as a musician, as just Allred. If not, why the hell are you reading this, right now? Go download something and listen to him. He was one of those people who wanted to play music his entire life. He was going to make it, whether it killed him, or not. Most people call it quits when they discover they can’t get signed within the first try. Johnny didn’t quit. He started off with an amazing first album called Some Place New, which I have one of the few original copies of. He’s up to six incredible albums and the seventh comes out May 9th. That little speck of pixels up there, he use to be bigger than that, playing for as much people as that front row of hundreds. He made it and I could not be more proud of anyone I’ve ever known.

It just goes to show that dreams, goals, plans - they can come true. You just have to put in a little more than some elbow grease to get there. Some commitment, some passion, some work harder than you’ve ever worked. You can’t get there in a week, you have to be passion enough to devote your life to it. I look up to anyone and everyone whose ever done something like this. Those people are the real heroes.

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You Have Only Been Gone For Ten Days Tuesday, Apr 29 2008

But already, I’m wasting away.

You left me last week and you told me, “Go on
and follow your dreams.” I think about that,
lately, still don’t know what it means, because
you’re what I dream of when I wake alone.
You do something to me that I can’t explain.
So, would I be out of line if I said, “I miss you”?
I know I’ll see you again, whether far or soon,
but I need you to know that I care and I miss you.

You’re what I want and that’s all that I know.

I know the signs are on and I feel this too, but,
none of that ever seems to matter when I’m holding
you…and I’m wasting away, away from you.
I’ve never seen a smile that can light up the room like yours.
It’s simply radiant, I feel more with everyday that goes by.
I watch the clock, so I can make my timing just right -

Would it be okay if I took your breath away?

What have I gotten into this time around?
I know that I had sworn I’d never trust
anyone again, but I didn’t have to…

You had me at hello.

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Wake Up Sunday, Apr 27 2008

My real estate, my life is dull and dried up like the sound a voice makes when the heart grows cold…and its going that way. I think I’ll move out of state, somewhere far from Seattle’s city lights, they burn my eyes. California sounds nice, but California is a lie. Maybe I’m out of luck, or maybe I’m just blind. Rain on my hopes, rain on my soul, rain on everything that I know. It feels so ludacris, the pursuit of this dream.

We thought we’d be there long ago.

Do we just exist? And does love persist? The questions of purpose and love and of destiny. Our conquest for bliss is as much hit or miss as it is skimming the fat off of our beliefs. If grace knows my name, then I am to blame for constantly spreading my fear and my shame.

I left you a note on the table, I hope it finds you well. I hope you don’t hurt like you did, cause I’d just blame myself. And I know its for me, that I’m out on these streets, bleeding nightly for these people I meet. But its you who I long for when I cannot sleep. I am almost nowhere and I’m getting there fast. You’re the hope in my cold stare. When I picked up, you broke into tears. I still don’t know why you need me and my broken down love. With each second that ticks, your voice rings in my ear and the memories flood back from all of our years. And I tell you its ok, there’s nothing to fear and I secretly hope I am right. You left me last week and you told me, “Go on and follow your dreams.” I think about that, lately, still don’t know what it means. Because you’re what I dream of when I wake alone, as I drift away as we talk on the phone.

You’re what I want and that’s all that I know.

I don’t know much, but I know about love and how it hurts me to give up. Why do we always say we’re fine, when its obvious we’re lying? Why don’t we ever tell the truth, what do we have to lose?

I’ve got a bad taste in me. Its like I’ve been robbed of something I once was in my childhood memories. Its buried in sandboxes, backyard, where we used to see that dreams could come true if believed. The sidewalks scream our names, but now we are so far from home. I’ve got a bad pain in my heart. Its like the first time that I looked in your eyes. The first time it all fell apart. All I have is words, to which I’m a slave. I scribble them down, hoping they’ll save me, but I’m lost, I’m so lost. These pages will burn and I’ll pass away. Yesterday’s gone and I just can’t shake the fact that I’m lost. I’m so lost.

We are so far from home.

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Ten Dolla Bill Sunday, Apr 27 2008

I need to stop jumping to conclusions. I’ve found myself doing that more than usual, lately. It hit me yesterday at work, when I got a ten dollar tip.

I was working alone from five to six, which is the period of time between when the opening shift manager leaves, I come on, and the first crew member comes on. We weren’t busy…at all. I had three customers that entire hour. My story is about two of them, it was an odd looking couple. The girl looked twelve, was around four feet, ten inches tall, and weighed probably ninety pounds. The guy had to be at least six feet tall and easily over two hundred and fifty pounds. They didn’t look clean, well-kept, and not to stereotype, but they didn’t look like they had a whole lot of money, either. They were the nicest people ever, though. Struck up a good conversation and kept a smile on my face. The girl got a like it size of plain banana ice cream and the guy got a gotta have it size of cheesecake ice cream with cherries mixed in. Not a hard order, whatsoever. I’ve handled a group of thirty people, by myself, with no tip before.

So, we get to the register to ring the couple up and they’re total comes to seven dollars and fifty two cents. I slide their debit card, hand them the slip to sign, check the tip after they hand it back so I can key it in, and notice ten dollars, for a total of seventeen dollars and fifty two cents. I was thinking, “Nah, they probably meant one dollar”, so I asked the guy, “Oh, this is a ten dollar tip, are you sure about that?” He just smiled and they walked out the door.

Jumping to conclusions, when this couple walked in, I was thinking, “Oh man, another dollar tip. Four more and I can get Subway.” What if these people were loaded and just don’t let it effect how they were before the money? No one would ever know. Maybe they’re just nice people. Maybe they don’t have the money, but love making people smile. You don’t know, I don’t know, but these people honestly changed my perspective.

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Yashanti Friday, Apr 18 2008

Gone are the days of selling my integrity.
Paid for like delicate wall paintings.
I realized that my hands were
always found empty when God asked.
I wrapped this world around my head
and choked on my tears as I layed in bed.
Smothered underneath sheets of dread,

I kept you somewhere there.

Gone are the days when I swallowed my words,
Letting them crack my ribs to keep from being heard,
While I devoured spoiled thoughts and prayed for the worst.

I was better off dead.

I sulk away when the sun awakes.
For it places my mistakes on brilliant display
And how deep grows this painful shame
That latches in me like roots.
From here till dirt which is not much further,

I will refuse to remember you.

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You Had Me At Hello Thursday, Apr 10 2008

Is it possible to be in love with someone for years, and never realize it until the circumstances are far beyond easy to deal with? As if it is almost too late for it all?

“I miss you most in the morning, when a day without you has just begun.
And all the simple things do nothing, but help the stars chase away the sun.
I know this is hardly what we asked for, but I’ll thankfully make it much more.
And even if the dawn goes slowly, another night sleeps; left my own.
And all the pillows - they do nothing. I guess a comfort is with you alone.
I know this is hardly what we asked for, but I’ll thankfully make it much more.
I know that I’m nothing. I’m trying to be something. If ever I am, then I…
I promise you’ll still be, and you always will be mine. You’ll be mine.”

So, five days ago, I had that “butterfly” feeling. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t focus. I had never been so excited in my life. The day finally came, the one I’ve been waiting for for what seems like a lifetime, and even after…I still can’t eat, still can’t sleep, still can’t focus. I have the sickest, most terrifying feeling in the pit of my stomach. All these emotions, feelings, thoughts, worries - they’re literally making me sick. I’m exhausted, delirious, tired, I’ve had a migraine for two days straight. I’m slowly starting to lose myself over this entire situation. I’ve never felt this way in my life.

I’ve given up a lot for this situation. “I know this is hardly what we asked for, but I’ll thankfully make it much more.” Neither person in this situation asked for what we got, but we’ve been fighting to make it so much more. I always feel like I fight so much more than everyone else. Its starting to drain me of all energy, enthusiam - everything.

I put my entire heart into things, if I want them badly enough, no matter what I get back from it. I care way too much for my own good. I am way too sensitive for my own good. I just straight up don’t take care of myself for my own good. I put the ones I love and care for before myself in any situation, I don’t care what the outcome could be, I’d rather me get hurt, than them. It gets even worse when I’m in love. I will do anything and everything to make that person happy. I will give everything that is me to that person, until I have absolutely nothing left to give…and rarely do I get any of it back.

I’m not a selfish person…at all, but fuck, I’m so sick and tired (literally, now) of never getting the same thing in return. I can proudly and truthfully say that I’m one of the most genuine people you’ll ever meet, but I’ve never had anyone be that person to me. I thought I finally found that person, then something like all this happens, and I lose all that is my sanity. I kill myself over it, thinking it was me who did something wrong, which, in turn, makes me think less of myself. Makes me feel like I’m not doing enough, so I give and give and give. I constantly keep digging, as far as I possibly can, trying to find more to give. I keep finding things, but I’m mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted - but I’ll never quit giving to this person…and I don’t even think he has any idea.

I don’t break promises, and I made a promise to never quit on him. I promised him that I was ready to fight for everything that is us, no matter what time and distance gets put between us.

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Writer’s Block Thursday, Apr 10 2008

I haven’t blogged in a few days. I have so much to say, but I don’t exactly know how to say any of it? I don’t want to complain, but I don’t want to brag. Which are about the only things I have to talk about, resulting from the past few days - but I still don’t know how to put anything, anyways, so this is where I’m at.

I hate having writer’s block, I love writing, but I guess I’ll try to say some things.

I haven’t slept in days. I’d say Monday night, two nights ago, was the last time I actually got more than three hours of sleep. Tuesday night, I got about two and a half, last night…well, I got nothing. I let things sink into my head so badly, that I don’t sleep and barely eat, because I revolve myself around that thing until I am content with it.

This thing puts me in the best mood…and worst mood…of my entire life. How does something effect you that much? To think of the intensity in those feelings is unbelievable. I’ll never understand.

I’m in a hard place, right now. I have nine days to get everything figured out with this thing, or it will be hell until I can make my way to Norfolk…if this thing even still wants me to be there. I really hope so. I’m ready to fight for anything and everything to do with it. I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life.

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